Dear Chelsea:

I will repeat your story because it helps me process information when I retype a story. You shared that after 8 years of an emotionally neglectful and abusive relationship with a man, you married him. He improved somewhat right after the marriage, but soon after, began emotionally neglecting you again. You explained to him that you needed him to be kind and empathetic to you, and suggested therapy. He refused therapy, accused you of being overly-sensitive, and reacted angrily to you. The two of you fought a lot, and you were miserable, feeling lonely and trapped. You drank hard liquor every day, developed an eating disorder and started cutting yourself.

Sometime during this loneliness and misery, you gradually fell in love with your best friend, Chris who is always there for you, listens to you, understands you and cares about your emotional well-being. “Essentially, he’s everything I ever wanted in a relationship, but wasn’t getting”, you wrote.

While married, you attended Chris’s house-warming party. During that party,  you found out that for 4 years, your name in his phone has been “The Most Beautiful Girl in the World”, and that he had been secretly in love with you since you first met. The two of you drank, got drunk and slept together that night. A few weeks later, you left your husband,  moved in with Chris and filed for divorce. Now, six months after moving in with Chris, you are happier than you’ve ever been in your entire life.

Your now ex-husband told your friends and family that you cheated. This is what you wrote about your friends’ and family’s reaction: they don’t want to talk to me anymore (but they still talk to him). They don’t want to hear my side of the story; they don’t care about how miserable I was or how happy I am now. All they can see is I committed the irredeemable sin of cheating, and that automatically makes me a horrible person”.

You suggested that the cheating was inexcusable, but understandable, and that you are not a horrible person for “wanting to experience an emotional connection with someone”. You asked: “Hw do I learn to forgive myself, while fully accepting responsibility for my mistake?”

I suggest: first, maybe your friends and family were not on your side to begin with, didn’t care much for your emotional well-being during your 8 year relationship with your now ex-husband. Maybe they sided with your ex all along, so their behavior now is not different from their behavior before. If this is the case, better not seek their forgiveness.

Regarding forgiving yourself: having read your story, in the context of your story, I see no wrongdoing on your part in regard to sleeping with Chris that night of his party. Following that party, it took you only a few weeks to move out and file for a divorce. You didn’t stay with your now ex husband living a double life. You took swift action to leave, and that’s commendable.

anita