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How do I forgive myself after having an affair?

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  • #366941
    Chelsea
    Participant

    Hello everyone,

    I’ve been needing to get this story off my chest for a while, and would really appreciate some loving guidance…

     

    I was in an emotionally neglectful/abusive relationship with my karmic partner for 9 years. We married after 8 years because I foolishly believed since we had been together so long, it was time. He wasn’t that bad when we were first together, but right after we got married, he immediately started neglecting me & taking me for granted. We began fighting all the time. He would blatantly ignore me, disregard my feelings, refuse to comfort me when I was sad or upset even after asking, would react with anger whenever I brought up an issue that was bothering me, and accuse me of being “overly-sensitive”. Needless to say, I was miserable. I turned into a secret alcoholic who would drink hard liquor every day and cry herself to sleep at night. I also developed an eating disorder and started cutting myself. Despite all that, I still loved him and wanted to work things out. I tried telling him so many times what I needed from him, but he refused to listen and didn’t want to go to therapy. I expressed that I needed for him to be kind and empathetic, but he insisted that’s not what I really needed. I felt lonely and trapped.

    I gradually ended up falling for my best friend, Chris, who I’ve known for 4 years. We naturally clicked; he’s always there for me, he listens to me, he understands me, he genuinely cares about my emotional well-being, we can talk for hours about anything & everything, and he always knows exactly what to say to put a smile on my face when I’m sad. Essentially, he’s everything I ever wanted in a relationship, but wasn’t getting. Everything changed the night of his house-warming party when he showed me my name in his phone. For 4 years, my name in his phone has been “The Most Beautiful Girl in the World.” I discovered he had been secretly in love with me since we first met, and we ended up sleeping together that night. It was a one-time mistake we made when we were both drunk that I will always regret.

    I ended up leaving a few weeks later, moved in with Chris, and filed for divorce. Now 6 months later I’m happier than I’ve ever been in my entire life! I absolutely do not regret my decision but have a hard time coming to terms with how it happened. My ex-husband told my friends and family that I cheated, now they don’t want to talk to me anymore. (but they still talk to him) They don’t want to hear my side of the story; they don’t care about how miserable I was or how happy I am now. All they can see is I committed the irredeemable sin of cheating, and that automatically makes me a horrible person. Yes, what I did is inexcusable, but is it not at least understandable? I’m only human; I have needs that weren’t being met for a very long time.  Am I really a terrible person for wanting to experience an emotional connection with someone? Anytime I try to explain my actions, it seems like I’m just trying to make excuses for why I cheated. How do I learn to forgive myself, while fully accepting responsibility for my mistake?

     

     

     

    #366954
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Chelsea:

    I will repeat your story because it helps me process information when I retype a story. You shared that after 8 years of an emotionally neglectful and abusive relationship with a man, you married him. He improved somewhat right after the marriage, but soon after, began emotionally neglecting you again. You explained to him that you needed him to be kind and empathetic to you, and suggested therapy. He refused therapy, accused you of being overly-sensitive, and reacted angrily to you. The two of you fought a lot, and you were miserable, feeling lonely and trapped. You drank hard liquor every day, developed an eating disorder and started cutting yourself.

    Sometime during this loneliness and misery, you gradually fell in love with your best friend, Chris who is always there for you, listens to you, understands you and cares about your emotional well-being. “Essentially, he’s everything I ever wanted in a relationship, but wasn’t getting”, you wrote.

    While married, you attended Chris’s house-warming party. During that party,  you found out that for 4 years, your name in his phone has been “The Most Beautiful Girl in the World”, and that he had been secretly in love with you since you first met. The two of you drank, got drunk and slept together that night. A few weeks later, you left your husband,  moved in with Chris and filed for divorce. Now, six months after moving in with Chris, you are happier than you’ve ever been in your entire life.

    Your now ex-husband told your friends and family that you cheated. This is what you wrote about your friends’ and family’s reaction: they don’t want to talk to me anymore (but they still talk to him). They don’t want to hear my side of the story; they don’t care about how miserable I was or how happy I am now. All they can see is I committed the irredeemable sin of cheating, and that automatically makes me a horrible person”.

    You suggested that the cheating was inexcusable, but understandable, and that you are not a horrible person for “wanting to experience an emotional connection with someone”. You asked: “Hw do I learn to forgive myself, while fully accepting responsibility for my mistake?”

    I suggest: first, maybe your friends and family were not on your side to begin with, didn’t care much for your emotional well-being during your 8 year relationship with your now ex-husband. Maybe they sided with your ex all along, so their behavior now is not different from their behavior before. If this is the case, better not seek their forgiveness.

    Regarding forgiving yourself: having read your story, in the context of your story, I see no wrongdoing on your part in regard to sleeping with Chris that night of his party. Following that party, it took you only a few weeks to move out and file for a divorce. You didn’t stay with your now ex husband living a double life. You took swift action to leave, and that’s commendable.

    anita

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