Dear Amrita:

You shared in your post elsewhere, and here, that when you were a child, you always felt that you were an unwanted child, that people did not need you, and as a result, you went out of your way “in working or doing things for people just for that appreciation, that I am important at some place… I go to a maximum limit of helping people or doing something for someone just for having a place in someone’s life”. You currently have a good job, but “there is always a feel that I lack something. I always feel unwanted in a group may be family, workplace or friends”.

My input: for a child to feel okay, the child has to be considered important to her mother, or if the family consists of more than just the mother, then the child has to feel important to the family. A child cannot feel okay otherwise.

The reason for this is that we people are social animals, like coyotes and domestic dogs, or elk and even bees. In a social group, an individual has to have a role, something he/she does that is valued by the group. The guard dog feels valued when successfully guarding his human family’s property. In the bees society, the male bees, once they don’t have a role in the hive, they are kicked out! In other societies as well, individual animals who are not valued by the group are expelled and even killed.

All it takes for a child to feel valued in her family, is for family members to smile when they see her, to say a kind word, in a kind tone, sending the child the message: I am glad you are here. It makes me feel good that you are a part of this family! And then, it takes giving the child little jobs, like clearing the table, and saying: good job; you made my life easier, thank you!

It doesn’t sound like much, does it? And yet, it is too much for so many parents to do, these simple things. What was your experience, in your family?

I will  be glad to share mine.

anita