Dear Smiley face:

I re-read your original post and I want to summarize (with quotes) what you shared about yourself so to understand you better.

You shared that you are a man, that you suffer from OCD, “about many things”. Five years ago, you visited a psychiatrist for about a year and was on medication for it. You also shared: “I have very low self esteem and my thinking through life was mostly negative, rarely positive… I have some anger management issues, I sometimes get angry about myself or get nervous about the most stupid stuff”.

From a young age you had “a lot of crushes on girls”, and you were “always attracted to the male sexual organ” but for the most part didn’t think much about it. As a teenager, you watched some gay porn, and fantasized about “doing sexual stuff” with a male friend, “it was a big turn on”.

When you were older, you still had “a lot of crushes toward women.. sexually attracted to them”, and you fantasized about having sex with other male friends, feeling ashamed of those fantasies.

At about 18, you wanted to have a girlfriend and be in a relationship for the first time but you were not successful. At about 22 you had your first sexual experience with a “very sexually attractive woman.. felt she was way out of my league”,  whom you met in college. You had an erection with her, but soon after she started to give you oral pleasure, you lost your erection. You told her that you may be bisexual and she withdrew from you. It took you a year and a half to get over her.

Seven years ago, in 2013- you met “a great and beautiful woman”, you fell in love with each other, and she was your “first true relationship with someone”. But at that time, you “started to have bigger psychological problems.. started to see a psychiatrist” who helped you “to be more in control of my mind”. You had sex with this woman, but “it was not successful every time because I still had erection problems which weighed very  heavy on me”. You didn’t tell her that you may be bisexual because you were afraid she would leave you for that reason. After three years(2016) she left you for other reasons.

Eight months later, you “started something with a woman friend”. You told her right away about your erection problems and about thinking that you were bisexual. She was okay with the latter, even aroused by it, but she was still in love with her ex, and left you so to be with her ex. The two of you remained in contact for 1.5 years while she was with her ex, and then- the two of you got back together for a year, “which was wonderful for me, although we did fight sometimes, and I was also very insecure about her ex”. During this year, she still “wanted also to hang out with her ex and sometimes she told me that she thought about being with him”, asking you to be patience with her.

After that year, she left you again, and came back to you 1.5 months later, “and she gave me much love and I also loved her back, but at the same time she was never sure she wanted to be with me”. Some time later, “she  left me again but this time we didn’t get back together”. She is now in a new relationship, and she told you recently that with you, “it was more of a safe relationship and she still loves me, but more as a friend, because with him she has a spark and wants to be with him.. although sometimes she tells me that she is not sure and thinks about leaving him”.

It’s been about a year and three months since the two of you broke up, a year since she’s been in her new relationship, the two of you are still in contact, and she lives in a different country from yours. You “miss her still.. want to be with her.. still love her.. miss physical intimacy”, and you are “afraid to start something new with a woman, because I don’t want to hurt them. Most of the time I feel guilty about being with a woman if I don’t know who I am (bisexual or gay or something different).. being with (a woman) when I don’t know who I am- at the same time I love being in a relationship and don’t want to be alone.”

And now, my input with yet more of your quotes: it seems to me that your attraction to the male sexual organ aka penis (“I was always attracted to the male sexual organ.. physical attraction about the male organ”), your arousal when watching male gay porn, and your fantasies about having sex with male friends- are all about your attraction to your own penis because it feels so good.

I will explain: you experienced from an early age the wonderful sensations in your penis, that’s the reason boys masturbate, it’s “a big turn on” to stimulate one’s own penis. It is not uncommon for boys to stimulate their own penises and their male friends’ penises (when together without adult supervision)- simply because it feels good, simply because it is a big turn on. In some societies this kind of activity is accepted as normal, no big deal, knowing that boys grow up and (most) get into relationships with women, leaving the early years experimentation behind them, not giving it much thought.

But in some cultures, the societal message- that male-to-male sex is a very shameful thing- is a very strong message, and because of this powerful shaming message- many boys feel that this.. normal experimentation means something terrible about them, something as.. supposedly terrible as being gay or bisexual.

You clearly stated that your sexual attraction is to the penis alone. You didn’t mention being attracted to the rest of the male physique. And you clearly stated that your romantic attraction is strictly to women, and has been so all alone: “I never truly thought of having a relationship with a man, I kinda don’t have romantic tendencies toward men, only physical attraction about the male organ. With a woman, the feeling is different, where I can picture myself being with her and also having a family”.

A summary of my input today: it seems to me that you are a heterosexual, straight man. I believe that every boy is attracted to his own penis, and if given the opportunity (being alone with boys of the same age, without adult supervision)- boys will act on their attraction to other boys’ penises. I think that the powerful societal message that male to male sex is so very shameful and a taboo- that message got to you and harmed you, as it harmed so many other boys and men.

As you know, many heterosexual men, when incarcerated for long periods of time in all-men jails and prisons- they have sex with other men: not because they are homosexual, or gay- but because .. for any and every man, the penis is a “great turn on”, just like it is and has been for you.

In your recent post, you wrote regarding your exes who were all women: “when I was with my exes I was the one that wanted sex most of the time, and so it was confusing if I wanted it, how could I be gay. And a few times in life I wanted to label myself as gay, but it just didn’t feel right so I decided that being bisexual is the only label that I kinda feel ok with. But when I am with a woman, I do sometimes feel guilty like it is not ok if I am at the same time attracted to the male organ“-

– You wanted sex most of the time with women because you are a straight man. You were “attracted to the male organ” because all boys are attracted to their own penises, and when given the opportunity to spend time alone with other boys- they are attracted to their friends’ penises as well. You repeatedly wrote: “attracted to the male organ” , not to the male physique, or to.. men, just to the male organ.

It is clear in my mind, today- that this attraction to the male organ does not at all make you gay or bisexual. Seems to me that you are a straight man who is interested in a long term relationship with a woman, and in a family. You are a straight man with some issues that you mentioned: anxiety, OCD, low self-esteem, anger management and erectile dysfunction (a result of anxiety), but still.. a straight man.

regarding your most recent girlfriend- seems to me that she has been quite confused for a long time in the context of relationships with men. I hope you find next a different woman, one who is not so confused, and that with the new woman you will have the relationship you need and want to have.

anita