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I have never known who I am (sexuality)

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  • #369439
    Smiley face
    Participant

    Hi everybody :).

    I love this site and the community here, altough this is the first time I am writing here. So yea, let’s get started I suppose why am I even writing here. This will maybe be a little longer post, I have a lot to say :P. Actually seeking some guidance or oppinion, that said I do feel I should explain I also visit a meditation school (not at the moment) if that matters with what I will write. And I also have OCD (hypohonder) about many things (have visited a psychiatrist for about 1 year – was also on medication for that time, about 5 years ago).

    My story begins when I first started any sexual experience with another human (before only with myself). From a younger age I think I was always attracted to the male sexual organ (I am also a man), but for the most part I didn’t put a lot of thought into it because it was just some kind of a fantasy to experience something like that. At the same time I had a lot of crushes for girls (first crush when I was in kindergarten) so ofcourse I didn’t put any labels on what I am. Then when I came into my teenage years I would start to watch some gay porn and I also started to have a fantasy about being sexual with a friend (it was a big turn on) and sometimes I also pictured myself doing sexual stuff with him. Then when I got older I had these kind of fantasies about some other male friends but the feeling about it was weird because I felt ashamed of having them. At the same time every few time I had a lot of crushes towards women and I also found myself sexually attracted to them. When I was about 18 or something like that I thought to myself I should get a girlfriend – that is when I started to really think about being with someone in a relationship (before I wouldn’t think I needed to be with someone – had a lot of fun with friends). After that thought occoured I tried to kinda meet some nice women and to start a relationship but I was not very successful. I have very low self esteem and my thinking through life was mostly negative, rarely positive. Well my first sexuall experience (I’ve done some kissing before – with women) was when I was about 22 with a beautiful and very sexually attractive women that I’ve met in college. When we went out on our first date I was very confused that she wanted to go out with me, because I felt she was way out of my league. Well I immediately wanted to be her boyfriend but, she didn’t feel the same and so we started only a physical relationship. This was the first time I had any sexual experience when i massaged her and she gave me oral pleasure and here came the first problems that happened, because soon after she started to give me oral pleasure I lost my erection (had it the whole time when we did stuff before). After this experince I couldn’t keep or get an erection around her, I was extremley nervous (at the same time a was still head over hills in love with her, at least I think so and also wanted to be physicall with her). After about half a year after still not being to be able to perform physically I told her that I thought I am bisexual, because I just didn’t know anymore what to do. After that she kinda pulled herself away and just didn’t see me like the guy she thought I was before I told her that, I don’t blame her for doing because she probably felt disappointed in me. After that it took me about a year and a half to get over her but at the same time I started to think I was gay with how things went with her and my thoughts before. In 2013 I met a great and beautiful woman (5 years younger) that I feel in love and also started my first true relationship with someone (she also loved me a lot). At first I was very afraid to have sex with her because of my performance problems with the woman before and that lasted for about 6 months, but then I started to have bigger psychological problems (I had some when I was younger) and started to see a psychiatrist which helped me to be more in control with my mind. That is also when I kinda started to have sex with this woman, but it was not successful every time, because I still had erection problems which weighed very heavy on me. She sometimes mentioned my erection problems but most of the time it didn’t bother her. This was the only woman I didn’t tell her about my gay tendencies because I was afrid she would leave me (also because of my erection problems). After about 3 years she left me because sometimes I just wasn’t the best version of myself and I can understand she just couldn’t take it and she also felt there was no more love and attraction that it was at the begining. A lot of the time I felt really guilty for not telling her about my gay tendecies and that I couln’t be honest with her, that weighed very strongly on my heart. Well after about 8 months I started something with a woman friend who also had a breakup with her boyriend (also kinda a friend – always felt like I stole her from him and felt guilty for it). With her I was honest right at the start telling her about my erection problems and about thinking that I was bisexual (she was very aroused when I told her that) so she was attracted with that part of me. I thought to myself that I finally met someone who doesn’t care about that and she didn’t but at the same time she was confused about being with me and about her ex. For about a month and half we were together and the she left me and wanted to be with her ex again but he didn’t want that anymore (she was still in love with him). After half a year we were together again (we were in contact that whole time) and this time for 1 year which was wonderful for me, altough we did fight sometimes and I was also very insecure about her ex. Here I should mention that I have some anger management issues, I sometimes get angry about myself or get nervouse about the most stupid stuff. Whithin this 1 year she always wanted also to hang out with her ex and sometimes she told me that she thought about being with him (also had a lot of dreams about him and his family) and just asked me to have patience with her and I tried to give space as much as I could to give her. After this 1 year she left me again and after a month and a half we were together again and she gave me much love and I also loved her back, but at the same time she was never sure she wanted to be with me. So after we were together again after about 6 months she went abroad and met a friend there (then he was only a friend) and she started to write with him because she liked to have somebody to write in a different language. After about 6 months she left me again but this time we didn’t get back together and is now with him and she said with me it was more of a safe relationship and she still loves me but more as a friend, because with him she has a spark and wants to be with him (altough sometimes she tells me that she is not sure and thinks about leaving him – we are still in contact). Now she also lives in the same country as him. It has been about a year and 3 months after we broke up, and about 1 year that she is with him. I miss her still and I still want to be with her, I still love her, but at the same time I think that is because I miss physicall intimacy and because I was kinda depentend on her. Well now we are at the present time and I am afraid to start something new with a woman, because I don’t want to hurt them. Most of the time I feel guilty about being with  a woman if I don’t know who I am (bisexual or gay or something different). I did decide to tell the next human being I am with about myself with all the truthfulness I can muster. At he moment I just think that maybe it would be better that I am alone so a I don’t hurt anybody by being with when I don’t know who I am – at the same time I love being in a relationship and don’t want to be alone. I have been activly researching about my sexuality for about 15 years and am just really exhausted that I still don’t (and mybe will never) know how to label myself. At the same time I kinda don’t want to label myself because I love that I like men and women. Altough when watching porn I think that I am more interested to gay (transexuall, shemale, …) porn than to the “normal” kind. I never trully thought of having a relationship with a man, I kinda don’t have romantic tendecnies toward men, only phyciall attraction about the male organ. With a womant the feeling is different where I can picture myself being with her and also having a family.

    First sorry for the long post but I wanted to give the whole background. I would really appreciate your opinion on everything and also about if you think it is ok for me to persue a relationship with a woman if I am not sure about myslef. I love women and really want to have a relationship with one but am also afraid about he physciall aspect (problems about erection) and also robbing them of having a more fullfiled relationship with someone who doesn’t have problems with that and knows who they are.

    Thank you for reading and the advice you can give me. Love to all the beautiful creatures in this community <3.

    #369495
    anita
    Participant

    Dear smiley face:

    “Most of the time I feel guilty about being with a woman if I don’t know who I am (bisexual or gay or something different)… I have been actively researching about my sexuality for a about 15 years and am just really exhausted that I still don’t (and maybe will never) know how to label myself”- my suggestions:

    1. Label yourself Human Being. There is so much that we human beings have in common outside gender and sexual orientation- focus on the commonality, and not on the differences.

    2. If a heterosexual man is monogamous, being involved with just one woman at a time, then he has to give up all other women while in his relationship with The One Woman.

    If a homosexual man is monogamous, he has to give up all other men while in the relationship with The One Man.

    If a bisexual man is monogamous, he has to give up all other men and all other women while in his  relationship with .. The One Man or The One Woman.

    – this means that regardless of whether you are any of these three options, if you are monogamous, and if the person you are involved with is also monogamous, then.. it’s just you and her, or you and him. This means, does it not, that letting your partner know that you may  be gay or bisexual is not necessary, because in any case, it’s just you and.. her, or him (?)

    3. Erectile dysfunction occurs in men of all sexual orientations, so it may have nothing to do with the question of your sexual orientation, a question that I hope you can stop asking (?)

    anita

    #369681
    Caroline
    Participant

    Hi there.  Hearing what’s going on in your mind really touched me because I have had similar struggles. So thank you for sharing your truth.

    For years I have been trying to figure out my sexuality.  I think about it every day.  Gay, lesbian, and queer fit closest, but there are still occasional times when I find myself attracted to men (I’m a woman… well, more gender-fluid..) and it’s confusing.

    I grew up in a “liberal” but heteronormative town where I didn’t know or see any lesbians, and being lesbian was taboo.  I thought lesbian was a bad word.  I thought being gay was for other people. From my family, friends, and culture, the understanding was that I am a girl so I will one day have a boyfriend/husband.

    I remember in 5th grade my cousin (girl, same age) showed me that you can look up videos of people making out.  It felt secretive and exciting.  I honestly don’t remember what (hetero) videos she showed, but I remember taking the iTouch and searching “Girls kissing girls” and later “Girls having sex with girls.”  What I discovered was captivating and I remember feeling tingles in my vagina and thought it meant I had to pee.

    So even though I was watching lesbian porn from about middle school on, it genuinely never occurred to me that I might not be straight.  I just assumed I was.

    It got more complicated in high school when people started “hooking up.”  When it was just kissing/making out, it was fine… I didn’t particularly like or dislike it.  It was a new sensation to explore.  I do remember feeling tense and sort of anxious though; very much “in my head,” not sensual and in my body.  Now that I have kissed women I know how very different it feels to be kissing someone as my full, true self.

    But when sex came into the picture it was a problem.  I always felt that something was missing in sex.  I thought something was wrong with me that I wasn’t enjoying it.  I would enjoy kissing a boy, but then as soon as we got naked and a penis was involved, I was totally turned off.  But I would still go along with it, because I thought that was what I was supposed to do, it’s what normal people do, and how could I explain how I was feeling to someone else when I couldn’t understand it for myself?

    Overall to date I have had sex with 6 different boys/men, several times each for most.  None of them made me orgasm.  For years I was tortured about why it wasn’t clicking.  It didn’t feel like a little issue that would sort itself out in time; instinctually I knew that figuring it out was important.  I thought maybe it’s me, maybe I need to communicate more, maybe he’s being too selfish, maybe we’re incompatible, maybe I’m just one of those rare people who can’t have an orgasm with someone else…

    A switch flipped one night in my senior year of high school when I was in bed watching TV with a boy (a friend, but there was a mutual intrigue and so on this night we were hanging out alone and were probably going to hook up for the first time).  I remember laying there thinking, “WHY can’t I get myself to WANT to do this?  What is WRONG with me?  Why is it so easy for OTHER girls to want to hook up with people?” and having a total crisis inside my head, alone, silently, next to this boy.  I ended up deciding to leave and had what I can only describe as a panic attack on the drive home as the words “Am I Gay?” entered my psyche for the first time.  It felt like a dam broke.  It was terrifying.  I journaled about my thoughts and later read what I had written to my therapist, saying “but everyone questions their sexuality from time to time, right?”, thinking it must be no big deal but wanting to get it off my chest.   She suggested that maybe it means nothing, or maybe it does mean something.  She told me that she had a client who had questioned her sexuality like I was and then a few years later came to feel/realize that she really is gay.  I remember feeling SURE that that would never be me.

    I feel like I could write a whole book on my experiences and the inner journey it has been and continues to be.  For the sake of brevity, here are a few more things I want to share that have helped me:

    – I moved to California (from Massachusetts) for my first year of college and was able to start fresh.  No one there had any expectations of me, which felt like a pressure lifted.  Also, it was more normal, acceptable, and celebrated to be queer there, so it really impacted me seeing queer people and queer relationships around me.  That was big.

    It was there that I had my first kiss with a girl, which to this day was one of the most profound moments of my life.  After pressuring myself into so many wrong-feeling “intimate” interactions with boys, it was INSANELY freeing and blissful to kiss someone and stay feeling like myself.  No feeling of being in a shell, with a mental/emotional wall up between me and the other person.  No, I was me.  Here.  Kissing this beautiful and incredible other person.  It was absolutely life changing.  After years of questioning my sexuality in my head, it meant a lot for it to be affirmed by a physical experience.

    – Then I transferred schools to an “all-women’s college” (actually it’s a gender-diverse women’s college — there are nonbinary and trans students too) where almost everyone is queer.  THAT has been profoundly healing: to be surrounded by other queer people who have each had their unique but relatable journeys of coming into their queerness.  It was there that I really began to see my queerness as beautiful, not shameful.

    So meeting other queer people and living in more queer places has helped.

    So has speaking my truth about my queerness.

    At the end of the day what I think we truly want is closeness, to feel like someone really knows us.  and in order for someone to really ‘see’ us, we need to share our truth with them.  This summer I started having a sort-of crush on a male coworker, but it really weighed on me that he didn’t know I was queer.  So even though we were kinda flirting and becoming better friends, I still had this fear inside that if I told him I don’t like having sex with men that he would stop wanting to be friends — and I didn’t want to lose our fun and interesting connection.  I knew he was attracted to me. and I knew I needed to say something.  Eventually I did, over text. And guess what?  He didn’t have a problem with it, and our connection was able to change courses into a pure platonic friendship.  Which is honestly a relief and even better than before.  Because I don’t feel like I have to hide or censor myself around him.  I can tell him about my queer thoughts and experiences.  I have a new friend who knows the real me 🙂

    Where I’m at now is that I identify as queer, which for me means gay/lesbian with occasional physical and/or romantic attraction to men, but no sexual attraction to them.  I’ve made out with a (femme) girl and a trans boy, but I still haven’t had queer sex yet, because I haven’t yet met someone who I really click with in a special and spiritual way.  I have been single in these recent years as I’ve been figuring all this out.  Personally I’m not interested in casual sex because this whole journey around sex, sexuality and intimacy has been so complex and important, that for me to be intimate with someone would require emotional intimacy too; that they understand me deeply.

    I have been writing a lot about myself and my experiences with the hope that hearing my truth might help you too.  Now I want to address some specific things from what you wrote:

    – About your problem keeping an erection during sex with a woman: it sounds like this feels like a significant issue to you.  Listen to your instincts saying “this is important, pay attention!”  Sure, it’s possible that this is strictly a physical/biological issue.  But our bodies are wise.  Something is off.  You know that in your body and your heart.  I think that you are on the right track with the soul-searching you are doing.  I wonder if things might be different if you had sex with someone with a penis.

    – It can be so confusing to feel emotionally close to someone (like your exes) yet still feel like something is off.  I have been following Instagram pages like The Holistic Psychologist and others about trauma, healing, and relationship dynamics that have shown me how the types of partners/relationships I attract can teach me about what I may still need to heal in myself.

    – Part of the queer experience, I think, is recognizing how LIMITED the “menu” of options for the future we’re shown is, and realizing that there is more out there.  What if you didn’t have to choose between sexual compatibility and having a family?  What if you fell in love with a trans woman whose soul matches yours like puzzle pieces fitting together and you have a beautiful, unique, and powerful relationship and family together?  What if you find a cis woman who is loving and beautiful, who you’re able to share your innermost thoughts with, who wants to co-parent a child with you as best friends, but have separate sexual lives?  What if there’s not a singular ultimate soulmate but a series of unique relationships that teach you more about love and life?

    Anything is possible.  “Normal” is B.S.  In this life the most important thing we can do is follow our heart’s unique longing.

    I suggest reading about (or just google) heteronormativity, compulsory heterosexuality, queer kinship.

    You are valid.  Follow your instincts.  Be brave.  Be vulnerable.  Trust that everything is unfolding in divine timing.  Trust that love that fits like a glove is possible for you, and that the most important thing you can do to prepare yourself for it is to keep peeling off the layers of what does not serve you anymore.

    “Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”

    #369921
    Smiley face
    Participant

    Thank you Anita for the support and the advice. I do agree that if you are with only one person it doesn’t matter who you think you should be or not be. And I do love being with that one person, I enjoy the time I can spend with them :).

    Because of that I think maybe I should rather enjoy the little things in life than to all the time think about what is ok what is not. Besides I love to be honest so the person I am with knows me good because I love to talk about different stuff (also myself :P) :).

    #369922
    Smiley face
    Participant

    Hi Caroline,

    the story you wrote is really beautiful and I thank you that you shared it with others, because I think are a lot of people that can relate and that it can help them to open up a little bit more if they wish :).

    I am also happy that you in time found out what makes you happy and where you feel at home with yourself. I also agree that it is beautiful to have such great friends that support you and that you can have a lot of fun with them.
    In this one year I also decided to share my sexuality with some friends and it was a nice experience.

    With all that I do agree that being normal is overrated because it just doesn’t matter and I do love that I am so different and that I can show love to so many differenet people no matter what is their gender, skin color or any other difference.

    As you wrote, maybe my experince with someone with a penis would be different but in real life I am sometimes not sure if I want that and not because of others but because of me :). I do admit I am attracted to the penis but sometimes it just feels more as a fantasy.
    Ofcourse it would be fun to try out something with a guy and maybe in time I will do that. And what I wrote about my erection problems the feeling when I am with a woman is sometimes weird but it is more a fear of not peforming that a fear of not wanting sex with her. I love to be with her, spend time with her, to kiss to hug to touch and everything in between, but at the same time as you wrote I was also sometimes thinking if my body is telling me somehing. I do must say that when I was with my exes I was the one that wanted sex most of the time and so it was confusing if I wanted it, how could I be gay. And a few times in life I wanted to label myself as gay but it just didn’t feel right so I decided that being bisexual is the only label that I kinda feel ok with. But when I am with a
    woman I do sometimes feel guilty like it is not ok if I am at the same time attracted to the male organ. If I go back to my fear of performance, I get very anxious when I am under pressure and when I have or about to have sex I feel like I have to perform and if I don’t the woman is gonna leave and won’t want to have anything to do with me anymore. So do fear about that is sometimes very overwheling and you know when you have that beautiful and exciting feel when you are with somenone, well in my case I get taht feeling but then the mind enters with different thoughts and I kinda loose that feeling and it is just frustrating when the desire to have sex is there but the body sometimes doesn’t go with it. And because what I experienced with some of these exes I am now kinda afraid to start something new with someone because as you said that you need a emotional connection so do I when I want have anything with them. That is way I never wanted those sexual experiences for one night.

    So to conclude what I meant is that I don’t actually want to label myself because that doesn’t define who I am and if a woman would accept me for who I am I would feel in love I would be very happy to be with her. I love diversity and I love being quirky and different and not “normal” because we as humans are beings of the earth and in nature there are some rules but most of them are not as strict and there you are who you are, it doesn’t matter who you love or want to be with.

    I do want to thank you what you wrote because when someone opens up like you did I love it and I immediately felt a connection with you and the beautiful heart you have. It was so nice to read that there are more people like this and the some just don’t conform to the rules of society when it comes to love. You seem very nice and I can feel you have a beautiful soul so I hope to hear from you again :).

    #369926
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Smiley face:

    I re-read your original post and I want to summarize (with quotes) what you shared about yourself so to understand you better.

    You shared that you are a man, that you suffer from OCD, “about many things”. Five years ago, you visited a psychiatrist for about a year and was on medication for it. You also shared: “I have very low self esteem and my thinking through life was mostly negative, rarely positive… I have some anger management issues, I sometimes get angry about myself or get nervous about the most stupid stuff”.

    From a young age you had “a lot of crushes on girls”, and you were “always attracted to the male sexual organ” but for the most part didn’t think much about it. As a teenager, you watched some gay porn, and fantasized about “doing sexual stuff” with a male friend, “it was a big turn on”.

    When you were older, you still had “a lot of crushes toward women.. sexually attracted to them”, and you fantasized about having sex with other male friends, feeling ashamed of those fantasies.

    At about 18, you wanted to have a girlfriend and be in a relationship for the first time but you were not successful. At about 22 you had your first sexual experience with a “very sexually attractive woman.. felt she was way out of my league”,  whom you met in college. You had an erection with her, but soon after she started to give you oral pleasure, you lost your erection. You told her that you may be bisexual and she withdrew from you. It took you a year and a half to get over her.

    Seven years ago, in 2013- you met “a great and beautiful woman”, you fell in love with each other, and she was your “first true relationship with someone”. But at that time, you “started to have bigger psychological problems.. started to see a psychiatrist” who helped you “to be more in control of my mind”. You had sex with this woman, but “it was not successful every time because I still had erection problems which weighed very  heavy on me”. You didn’t tell her that you may be bisexual because you were afraid she would leave you for that reason. After three years(2016) she left you for other reasons.

    Eight months later, you “started something with a woman friend”. You told her right away about your erection problems and about thinking that you were bisexual. She was okay with the latter, even aroused by it, but she was still in love with her ex, and left you so to be with her ex. The two of you remained in contact for 1.5 years while she was with her ex, and then- the two of you got back together for a year, “which was wonderful for me, although we did fight sometimes, and I was also very insecure about her ex”. During this year, she still “wanted also to hang out with her ex and sometimes she told me that she thought about being with him”, asking you to be patience with her.

    After that year, she left you again, and came back to you 1.5 months later, “and she gave me much love and I also loved her back, but at the same time she was never sure she wanted to be with me”. Some time later, “she  left me again but this time we didn’t get back together”. She is now in a new relationship, and she told you recently that with you, “it was more of a safe relationship and she still loves me, but more as a friend, because with him she has a spark and wants to be with him.. although sometimes she tells me that she is not sure and thinks about leaving him”.

    It’s been about a year and three months since the two of you broke up, a year since she’s been in her new relationship, the two of you are still in contact, and she lives in a different country from yours. You “miss her still.. want to be with her.. still love her.. miss physical intimacy”, and you are “afraid to start something new with a woman, because I don’t want to hurt them. Most of the time I feel guilty about being with a woman if I don’t know who I am (bisexual or gay or something different).. being with (a woman) when I don’t know who I am- at the same time I love being in a relationship and don’t want to be alone.”

    And now, my input with yet more of your quotes: it seems to me that your attraction to the male sexual organ aka penis (“I was always attracted to the male sexual organ.. physical attraction about the male organ”), your arousal when watching male gay porn, and your fantasies about having sex with male friends- are all about your attraction to your own penis because it feels so good.

    I will explain: you experienced from an early age the wonderful sensations in your penis, that’s the reason boys masturbate, it’s “a big turn on” to stimulate one’s own penis. It is not uncommon for boys to stimulate their own penises and their male friends’ penises (when together without adult supervision)- simply because it feels good, simply because it is a big turn on. In some societies this kind of activity is accepted as normal, no big deal, knowing that boys grow up and (most) get into relationships with women, leaving the early years experimentation behind them, not giving it much thought.

    But in some cultures, the societal message- that male-to-male sex is a very shameful thing- is a very strong message, and because of this powerful shaming message- many boys feel that this.. normal experimentation means something terrible about them, something as.. supposedly terrible as being gay or bisexual.

    You clearly stated that your sexual attraction is to the penis alone. You didn’t mention being attracted to the rest of the male physique. And you clearly stated that your romantic attraction is strictly to women, and has been so all alone: “I never truly thought of having a relationship with a man, I kinda don’t have romantic tendencies toward men, only physical attraction about the male organ. With a woman, the feeling is different, where I can picture myself being with her and also having a family”.

    A summary of my input today: it seems to me that you are a heterosexual, straight man. I believe that every boy is attracted to his own penis, and if given the opportunity (being alone with boys of the same age, without adult supervision)- boys will act on their attraction to other boys’ penises. I think that the powerful societal message that male to male sex is so very shameful and a taboo- that message got to you and harmed you, as it harmed so many other boys and men.

    As you know, many heterosexual men, when incarcerated for long periods of time in all-men jails and prisons- they have sex with other men: not because they are homosexual, or gay- but because .. for any and every man, the penis is a “great turn on”, just like it is and has been for you.

    In your recent post, you wrote regarding your exes who were all women: “when I was with my exes I was the one that wanted sex most of the time, and so it was confusing if I wanted it, how could I be gay. And a few times in life I wanted to label myself as gay, but it just didn’t feel right so I decided that being bisexual is the only label that I kinda feel ok with. But when I am with a woman, I do sometimes feel guilty like it is not ok if I am at the same time attracted to the male organ“-

    – You wanted sex most of the time with women because you are a straight man. You were “attracted to the male organ” because all boys are attracted to their own penises, and when given the opportunity to spend time alone with other boys- they are attracted to their friends’ penises as well. You repeatedly wrote: “attracted to the male organ” , not to the male physique, or to.. men, just to the male organ.

    It is clear in my mind, today- that this attraction to the male organ does not at all make you gay or bisexual. Seems to me that you are a straight man who is interested in a long term relationship with a woman, and in a family. You are a straight man with some issues that you mentioned: anxiety, OCD, low self-esteem, anger management and erectile dysfunction (a result of anxiety), but still.. a straight man.

    regarding your most recent girlfriend- seems to me that she has been quite confused for a long time in the context of relationships with men. I hope you find next a different woman, one who is not so confused, and that with the new woman you will have the relationship you need and want to have.

    anita

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