Dear Carrie:

You are welcome. You do love her truly, but what she is not able to take in your (true) love because what’s inside her is a false kind of love- that of an exchange: I do this for you; you owe me that and so much more. What we experience and learn in childhood is way more powerful and takes precedence over what we experience in adulthood.

“I helped her the other day.. and she said I owe you. No you don’t, I helped you because I care for you. I don’t expect anything in return”- she is not hearing your words because she is still hearing her parents’ words, words similar to:  you owe us! We give you this and that, and you owe us! You owe us more, more!

“L is always making the effort with her family”- she is still looking to them for love (and for freedom from debt). She is too focused on them to be able to notice that you truly love her, and that she has no debt with you.

“I’ll be glad for you to discuss”- here are my suggestions at this point (there may be more as our communication continues):

1. When you tell her what you feel for her, loving feelings- keep it short, end the few words with a smile, keep it light, not heavy. Present yourself to her best you can, as emotionally self-sufficient, that is: show her that you are okay living by yourself, that her moving out is not devastating you, that she is not causing you misery. Be as  okay as you can be, and show that to her.

2. When you consider giving her a gift next time, ask her beforehand if it will be okay for you to give her the gift. Let her know that if she accepts your gift, she owes you nothing for it.

3. When you offer her your help next time, ask her if it will be okay with her that you help her with this or that, and let her know that if she accepts your help, she owes you  nothing for it.

anita