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Brake up feeling lost.

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  • #368781
    Karen
    Participant

    Hi my ex broke up with me 2 weeks ago and I feel so lost and upset.  To give u some background we started talking before lockdown in March. Talked since January non stop had such a connection so quickly and she was very open as was I. We both had previously been hurt and she was the first person I opened up to after my previous relationship and she new this and was very understanding. She is a few years younger than me but we are very similar how we think and what we like in someone and what we want in life etc. Anyway we started seeing each other and was all good covid kicked in and lockdown happened so we were thrown into the deepend and she was living with me. All was good I Was going to work she couldn’t. She’s in process of leaving army. Which is obv a massive thing and I have always supported her. Anyway it all got to much and she left wanted to be friends. She was apart for a month. Still talked like we did before non stop video calls. Morning txts goodnight txts. I was head over heels. Then she wanted to come back to live with me as a lodger which was suitable but then she said still loved me so gave it another go. Since then she has been with me in a relationship being happy. She has treated me so well etc and love her to bits. It scared me how much we felt for each other so quickly. Talked about the future etc alot from her side ie house, jobs, marriage all the important stuff. Then about month and half ago she started to say wasn’t happy. I don’t know if it was lockdown I found myself stressed with my job and being a bit down in the dumps. She finished it then we talked and tried again. Then it happened again said we work on it. Then weekend before my bday she did the same thing again. I thought that was it but she apologised and said that she doesn’t want to get hurt. So we talked and was treated like I have never been treated before for my birthday she made such an effort it was lovely. Sorry for being bit soppy lol. Then 2 weeks ago she ended it she wasn’t happy there’s something missing the spark. Everything else is there. I am just so upset and feeling depressed as I have let my guard down been so open. Yes I not as experienced in relationships but I totally love this woman. I am finding it so hard as all the stuff that was said it was so meaningful then she said she only saw as friends in a way and she saw relationship over a month or so ago but still said these thing. Alot is going on in like just now stresses etc but sometimes she will just put barriers up and deal with it herself as she has always had to do that as hasn’t had support. I am just lost. She’s moving out as doesn’t want me to be upset and she dealt with us being over. She’s moving out this week but she still want to be friends etc. Will always be there for me as I will her. But I just don’t know what to feel and think.

    Sorry for such a long topic

    #368815
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Karen:

    I will read and reply to you in about 12 hours from now.

    anita

    #369025
    Karen
    Participant

    OK thank you

    #369035
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Karen:

    I apologize for forgetting to return to your thread, glad you posted again because it got my attention back to your unanswered thread.

    You shared that you talked a lot with a woman beginning January this year, a woman a few years younger than you, but very similar in what she likes and wants in life. The two of you “had such a connection so quickly and she was very open”, as open as you were with her, opening up to her about a previous relationship where you got hurt, and she was understanding.

    Then “covid kicked in and lockdown happened” and she moved in with you. You worked and she couldn’t work because she was in the process of leaving the army, so you supported her.

    Then “it all got too much and she left, wanted to be friends”. She was away for a month, the two of you still talked a lot on video, texted good morning and good night.

    Next, she wanted to move back in with you, but as a lodger. She moved in, but because she still loved you, and you were “head over heels”, the two of you “gave  it another go”, and all was well, “relationship being happy”, and the two of you talked about a future together.

    Next, late in September, a month and a half ago, “she started to say she wasn’t happy”, and you were stressed with your job “and being a bit down in the dumps”. She then broke up with you, then the two of you talked and tried again..  then she broke up with you again the weekend before your birthday, then apologised to you and treated you so well on your birthday, “she made such an effort it was lovely”.

    Next, late in October, two weeks ago, “she ended it, she wasn’t happy, there’s something missing, the spark. Everything else is there”. She is about to move out of your place, she doesn’t want you to be upset, and she wants to be friends. You feel upset, depressed, lost, regretting that you let your guard down, being so open with her, and you “totally love this woman”.

    “I  just don’t know what to feel and think”- we don’t do our best thinking when we are distressed, so no wonder you don’t know what to think. We have to calm down for long enough before we can think clearly. The fact that she is still there with you, in your home, in the process of moving out is not congruent with any one of you being calm.

    Reads like she is not very stable, at least not at this time in her life, a time of transition: leaving the army, a new relationship with you, not having her own home, repeatedly wanting in and out of the relationship.

    I suggest that at this time, until she moves out- talk with her as little as possible, keep talks on the surface only, for now. Postpone any and all unnecessary talk until after she moves out. Instead of talking, let silence be, or soft music play in the background.

    The two of you need calm at this time, more than anything else. Don’t try to analyze the relationship, to understand what is happening- not before she leaves. For the rest of the week, relax best you can so that you can emotionally survive this week with minimal trouble. Does this make sense to you?

    anita

     

     

     

    #369337
    Karen
    Participant

    Thanks for reply. Its very hard because I do love her. I just need to try and switch off from it. It’s hard when u thought this was ur future. Its hard not to analyse as she said whybdidnt you do this or that to show i loved her. Obv I didn’t show it enough to her expectations. I have survived the week been yup and down. I am Fine one minute then I overthink. I want her back but she says it will never happen.

     

     

    #369343
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Karen:

    I am sorry things are not better for you at this time. Because it is hard for you to not analyse, we can try to analyse together a bit, maybe it will lead to a better understanding, and that will help.

    You added a piece of information in your recent, short post: it is clear that she is angry with you, and she has been complaining that you didn’t show her that you loved her, not “enough to her expectations”- did she tell you specifically what she means by it: what specific behaviors did you do or not do that failed her expectations?

    anita

     

    #369348
    Karen
    Participant

    She is very romantic and that’s what she wanta in a relationship.  Me personally my previous relationship wasn’t like that I wanted it to be but it never seemed important to my previous partner. With my recent ex she has had more relationships. She made me feel so special and I wanted to do the same but I didn’t do it on the same level that she wanted. I wasn’t as open in public like holding hands etc. That’s because in my previous relationship my partner didn’t want that. But with my recent partner I was more open and was so open about her. I was so happy I would say my partner this my partner that being open with friends and colleagues. I have changed so much since being with her and so was looking forward to the future. Thanks for the reply

    #369351
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Karen:

    You wrote that she is “very romantic”, and that “she has had more relationships” than you, which means.. that romance was never enough to make any of her relationships last.

    Reads to me that romance is a side issue for her, and that the core issue in her failure in the relationship with you (and with people before you)- has nothing to do with romance.

    anita

     

    #369354
    Karen
    Participant

    She always things outside the box. Always getting romantic gifts etc. Flowers date nights during this pandemic. She wants the same effort that she does. But I think people ared on different levels. She’s has had more relationships to me. I only came out as gay 10 years ago and had one major relationship.  This relationship thats just ended felt totally different and I felt so happy. Yes we got in a rut as such the last month and a half. We never argued as such. I wouldn’t want to argue with her.  There was one occasion were we had a disagreement as I was at the end of my tether one week we were happy next week we weren’t. It was over and I did as her to leave and raised my voice.  But that was not me I felt lost and a build up of emotions and stress but that she keeps on bringing up against me. All I can do is apologise but it doesn’t seem to matter at all. I just dont know. Thank u for the reply. Sorry   if I sound stupid and an idiot.

    #369355
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Karen:

    You don’t sound stupid or an idiot- just a woman with a broken heart, feeling lost, for now. But you will feel better, it will get better for you.

    “Always getting romantic gifts etc. Flowers date nights during this pandemic. She wants the same effort”- reads like the attitude behind her romance is that of competition and exchange, expecting you to keep up to her gestures and repaying her for her gestures, instead of an attitude of generosity.

    anita

    #369357
    Karen
    Participant

    Think she just has high expectations which is fine but I for one haven’t had that before and I did want to try but obv didn’t do it enough. I think this pandemic has taken its toll for me as been so busy at work it was the last thing I thought of doing but when I did do things it was to late and were in a rut.

    #369358
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Karen:

    “she just has high expectations” for romantic gestures, expectations that you did not satisfy for her, during a pandemic, while “so busy at work”

    – do you think that she was indeed, like I suspect, unreasonable, impatient, competitive, into an exchange of gestures vs love and generosity, or am I wrong?

    anita

    #369359
    Karen
    Participant

    Not sure how u mean. She’s can be impulsive and can’t sit around but I liked that. Vs love and generosity how do you mean?

    #369360
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Karen:

    By “love and generosity” I mean her understanding that you were very busy at work and stressed because of the pandemic, and therefore not expecting you to return her romantic  gestures (after all, she did not have a job and was at home, having the time to carry out romantic gestures, while you worked to pay the rent, food etc.).

    I mean her feeling empathy for you instead of judging you harshly and breaking up with you. Do you feel that she was understanding of you and empathetic toward you?

    * I will be back to the computer in about an hour.

    anita

    #369362
    Karen
    Participant

    Yeah she did understand and that’s why she maybe put more effort as where I didn’t. She was at home more and she took on her fair share of the home stuff she paid her way etc. I do feel she was empathetic to an extent. I feel me not being so confident as in when we’re are out in public was a issue and also maybe when intimate. Not so confident. Yes I am shy but she def made me feel more conifent and more me not being so shy about being gay. She made me feel how I should be. But on other occasions I felt when I explained why I wasn’t as confident as never previously done that. But with her I was so relaxed and was so happy to be with her. thats why I am so hurt because I wanted and felt so at ease with her.

     

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