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Karen

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  • #369644
    Karen
    Participant

    Anita

    Thank you I will post on here so glad I found this site

    Karen

    #369626
    Karen
    Participant

    Thank you. Maybe once she leaves I will post as I see it being difficult. Thank you for replying to my long posts as you have helped me alot

    Karen

    #369622
    Karen
    Participant

    Anita

    Yeah I do truly love L. Yeah till that time I have to go with the flo. Then when that time ccomes I will do what needs to ge done. For all I know i might find it difficult before then. I need to be aware of how I feel myself and how it affects me

    Karen

    #369619
    Karen
    Participant

    I meant can’t turn my back

    #369617
    Karen
    Participant

    Anita.

    Yeah she doesn’t see it. Only person I suppose that can do these changes is L. I hood she does look into that help to understand her barriers and fear. I feel that with all tge changes in her life just now I don’t think tgat will happen. All I can do is be there I suppose which is hard but I can turn my back. But when another woman comes along it won’t be my job.  For all I know she also could be talking to another woman. I really don’t thi nk she is but thats my overthinking. I just need to try stay positive and when she leaves try and keep myself busy. Because I am going to find it hard her not being around.

    Karen

    #369611
    Karen
    Participant

    Hi anita

    Maybe thats why she us like that when romantic. Yes I do truly love her. But how does she deal with that barrier with my love and her heart. If only she just dropped tgst barrier it’s would be so easy.

    Yeah I think that will be a tell tail sign when that happens. I want her in my life but it’s if I can cooe with that situation or not. I hope tgst situation doesn’t arise for a while. I don’t want to chase L for love. Because if there is love there it’s in her side of the court. But on other hand maybe that’s why I think the worst and start to overthink because I am waiting for that to happen. For her to be successful in love she needs to open her heart trust the people that are loyal and let these barriers down and fight them not run awsy in a sense

    Karen

    #369605
    Karen
    Participant

    I know that if it’s another woman if I am not over her I don’t know how I will feel and deal with the situation

    #369604
    Karen
    Participant

    Hi Anita

    Yeah maybe that’s why she has done it to stop the conflict and overthinking. With her family she has limited contact but I think she knows she has to do that. I think me working Saturdays she found difficult as she wanted to do things as a couple. Maybe your right that’s when she missed them also.

    I have been supportive. I think your right in saying she will contact me for support. But I will find it hard as i still love her. I think she so wants to be loved. But maybe not willing to trust someone that does fully loved her due to the past. If she let that barrier down. Maybe that’s why she is so romantic, so intense at the beginning of relationships because she craves love. With me she has it. But her feeling are different. She is worthy of being loved. But I think she doesn’t think that. She’s such a lovely person not to be in a relationship as she has so much love in her even though she hasn’t got it from her family.

    I don’t think she will get it from her family maybe from another woman. That’s what I will find hard. If it was with me I would be happier. But I need to try and think it might be another woman so i won’t get hurt. So difficult

    Thank you

    #369598
    Karen
    Participant

    Hi anita

    Yes she has been hurt in her childhood and continues to be even though she says she’s OK I know it affects her. She does try to push it away but of course its always there. Her family I don’t understand I really don’t. It’s her family that is in the wrong not L. I don’t think they know really how to love. I think theres a jealously and guilt on there part from the past. Jealously because shes done so well in life without there support and guilt because they know they have done wrong. It’s a shame they are like that.

    Yes I feel as if she gets to a stage she’s going to get hurt and then that’s when she needs to end things because she maybe thinks I will do the same which I have no intentions of doing. I agree it’s like she isolates if she isolates just her then no one can hurt her. One of the times she split the one prior to the last time. She ended it and came through and gave me hug and said sorry I just don’t want to get hurt. Then that’s when tried again. Like I said to her then she can’t keep doing that she needs to communicate. As it’s not only hurting me but her also.

    Maybe you are right that’s why she has done this in a way to protect herself. On other hand why end things so drastically and say theres no going back with us. If she said I need space I need to think work through things etc. Just communicated I would have supported her decision. That’s why I am so hurt with the situation and things she’s said about our future. All she says is I didn’t intentionally go out to hurt you.

    Yeah she’s fine all good when shes busy. But it seems when something stressful happens or something is said by her family that she feels hurt by or when I wrk a Saturday when she’s doesn’t then she gets down and ends thing. Every time she’s ended things it’s been a weekend. Sat or a Sunday.

    I think she does know there is a cycle . Even last night I was saying to her when things get stressful you can’t just run away from things you have to deal with it. When we talked last night you can see she is worried about being by herself in a flat etc as she’s never done that before as it’s always been army barracks. Like I said to her it will be but with her it will be even more as she’s never done this. I will always be here for her anytime night or day. You are the only support I have as family doesn’t support her. I have always supported her that’s what you do when you are in a relationship and love the person. She said before she’s not always had that in relationships. Obviously they weren’t the right partners.

    She knows not to chase her family she has said that alot over the months. But she ends up trying thinking something might change. It’s just her nature. But it’s always her making effort calling txting etc. They never do it. As a mother and father they should be. I hope she does maybe look towards me where a genuine love exist. But when she says that we are over, to move on and it won’t happen again it’s hard and does hurt. I wish I had a magic wand and took all her hurt, her fear, insecurities away from her so she can be happy with me.

    Yes it will be very difficult for her. She’s always had that security when she been in the army. Friends in the next room the security around you as in the sense that a barracks is surrounded by fences/boundaries. If that makes sense. In civilian life you don’t know who’s around you in a sense which can be scary for her. Yeah she has said she will contact me for support as she doesn’t have anyone else.  She will ask for help. There’s alot of maybes Anita isnt there. I just want her to be happy in life I generally do. If its as my partner or friend etc. Obviously I would want her as my partner and soul mate. But who knows.

    She know with her family she need to distance herself and she has. She hasnt seen them in a long time due to covid etc. But last time she was hurt by them yet again and then she ended it with me. This is what I mean something happens and then ends it. But this last Time few weeks ago is when she was Saying something missing with us. I love you but don’t know if I am in love with you. Don’t want to be with you.

    But I am finding it good and helpful to talk to you

    Thank you Anita

     

    #369570
    Karen
    Participant

    Hi anita

    It is helping me our conversations. Its is a great help so thank you.   I think when it came to intimacy she was more confident initiating but she wanted me to be which I was getting better. Maybe your right she is more comfortable and confident as she has had more partners. But I think me not initiating things more maybe made her feel uncomfortable, possibly unloved. Maybe thinking I didn’t want to be intimate when I did I am just a bit shy thatt way.

    Yeah I found if she wasnt busy she would get fed up bored.  if there was a stressful thing in life she would go quiet and overthink. Instead of talking about it she would want to deal with it herself like she always has. Then she would say shes not happy with us. It was like she needed to end it and cope by herself which she is always had to previously.

    She has felt comfortable and trusting with me and me with her. I personally like I have said before I have never trusted someone so much. I feel she Is a person that knows me inside out. She always talked about her past like she’s never done before with others. Family, childhood, relationships etc. How things have effected her. Funny you should say this because as soon as she came in from wrk tonight at 6pm and  we gave been chatting away till 10pm. Talking about random things and about how things have effected her. It’s been like old times chatting away. Which is nice as could talk for hours with her we would always find things to talk about. Trust is a big thing I feel as due to past relationships with partners and family she has been betrayed. Especially her family betraying her. This is when the barriers go up and she has to escape from the situation.

    I for one wouldn’t betray L. I would always be there for her. I for one am nothing like her family. I personally can’t understand how her family are the way they are I don’t understand it. My family is total opposite they are loving and supportive. We even talked about this tonight. I have always included her with my family knowing that she finds it hard as she never had this love and support with hers. She liked that she was included with my family. Like I say I included you because that’s what it should be like. My parents would ask about her etc how is L etc. Because that’s what families are like with there children’s partner. Not because they have to but because they want to. Which she hasn’t had before.

    Yes I do think her being comfortable and so trusting of me has scared her. Its as she’s waiting for the betrayal. Then she has to end things in a way before she gets hurt. Betrayal by family has been in the past and continues to happen. L is always the one doing the chasing, helping them being the person to make contact. It’s never her family. She is the one that has to make the effort… Always. Which isn’t right her family should be making the effort. They don’t know what they are missing out on as there daughter is such a wonderful person. They are missing out.

    Yeah I do understand its going to be difficult for me when she leaves.we talked about that earlier. Its going to be difficult for her also as she has never been outwith the army environment. Always lived in army barracks. Then lived with me. Now soon to be living in her own flat having the responsibility of bills, new job. Generally living Everyday life. But for L it’s all a transition from army life to civilian Street which is as massive thing for her. I will be there as a support but this is something that she needs to get used to  in a new life outwith the army… Which is scary and daunting for her. When the army is the only thing she has known for many years of her life.

    Like I said to her earlier I see when her barriers go up and she changes and gets scared. Then it’s like she needs to get out of the situation. But she needs to stop that or she will continue to do this all the time and it’s not good for her or the future. She needs to break that cycle. Whether she questions our relationship, knows it was right for her to make the desicion to break up who knows time will tell.

    I look forward to your other thoughts

    Thank you

    #369548
    Karen
    Participant

    Hi anita

    Yes previous relationship you are right it wasn’t like with me and L. That’s what I was used to not what I wanted but that’s how it was. Then I got used to it being like that. So when L came into my life it opened my eyes and I loved the way she was and made me feel. Yes it was all new to me romantic gestures and me initiating being intimate as it. Wasn’t something I was used to. That’s why I know from my previous relationship it wasnt right. But with L it has been.

    Yeah the meeting and lockdown was not ideal but we used to laugh about it as it was like we were doing everything backwards. But we were happy.

    L is very active person only time she’s not is when she gets a bit down and no get up and go. That’s a thing I noticed in her body language when she was quiet she overthinked and that’s when she would split up and question the relationship.

    Yeah it difficult in lockdown. Least I was going to work where as she wasn’t. There’s only so much TV and housework you can do to keep busy. So I totally get when u say caged in.

    Ifeel we are compatible on various levels. We got on so well. We are very alike in interests, music, morals. That’s why I think we had such a connection from the start. We are so comfortable with each other. We used to talk about things that we never talked about before with people. From her past or mine. Think that scared her aswell as she would say can’t believe I am telling you this never spoke to people about this before ie ex partners. This did scare me not sure if scare is the right word. But to be so open, comfortable and 100% trust someone it was so nice. She was same trusting people due to previous relationship. She’s been cheated on a few times which means there’s trust. I would never do that to her 100%no chance. She would say if everything is to good to be true she would put her barriers up. Then would deal with things herself as she’d always had to cued to family not supporting her. She is so different from her family. She’s like a breath of fresh air such a lovely human being. Think when she left first of all this is what she did. She wasn’t used to someone being supportive which I have been from the start. Always dealt with things herself from a young age. She thanks me for this till this day. But like I say I wasn’t supportive because I had to it’s because I wanted to. It’s the kind of person I am. I have such respect for her not only as she was my partner but when we first started talking. I would have been there no matter what and even now I will be there for her.

    If pandemic hadn’t happened it would have been normal. Meeting up dating going out etc. If that didn’t happen I would have had more time romantically gestures etc. I wish I could turn back time and shown her how much I love her and still do. But I feel it is over and that’s it there’s no going back. I feel this due to the way she talks. She so focused just now thinking about her new job getting a flat to move out. Talking about where she sees herself in 6momths time etc moving back to where she is from which is 40 mins awy. Where I live Its not my home I moved here to be with my ex partner. It was never going to be my home. 11years on I don’t see where I live as my home. Even my best friend says that thi area isn’t my home it’s a city a stay in and work in which I don’t actually like. I even said to L I would relocate etc. We talked about that. Even said that recently as she said yes I know you would. No point talking about that as I don’t want to be with you.

    I find it so hard as she wants to remain friends. I want to but I don’t know at the moment as I do love her. She understands how I am feeling she’s been in that position when her ex hurt her. She knows what I am feeling and thinking. That’s why she wants to move out as its not right living under the same roof. Then if I am down she doesn’t want to see that. It’s a strange situation. We are just doing the same as before in a sense but living in different rooms and not sharing a bed. Once she leaves it will be different. Which scares me so much esp when you are used to someone being in your life. Coming home to someone. Not having her here is going to be awful. Esp coming upto Xmas. Birthdays and Xmas I haven’t been overly excited about. But with L on my birthday it 2as the best birthday I had because how she treated me. Xmas I was looking forward to it as it was going to be our first Xmas together. Just missing silly we things she does, hearing her laugh, seeing her smile etc. It’s the thought that she just not going to be around and when we will see each other. This is when I overthink and get worked up. I start to feel alone and think she meet someone else soon since she saw relationship finished a while back. Which she can do she feels that the relationship is over. But this is when I don’t know if we can be friends like we were. She says it might take a short time or along time.

    When you say it is possible to resume at this moment I don’t know. Friendship yes but not the same level I feel. Even now  txting it’s not the same. I think that’s hard because when your used to someone txting and calling then it’s not so much.

    It’s not as awkward now. We will sit and talk etc. Even yesterday she came home and we sat all night binge watching a TV series and we have the last few nights. We have a laugh. I feel there is something there when we look at each other. Def is on my part. Maybe it’s wishful thinking on my part. It’s then we go to bed Its hard in seperate rooms. I feel caged in a bit in the house. I don’t know if it’s because the house has a bit of bad memories from my previous relationship. But the plan with L was to move to a new place eventually and have as our own.  She felt she didn’t feel it was equal as its my house. So when she said about obv planning for future I was happy. Like I said even if she wanted to relocate I would have from one end of the country to the other. Just find the situation sad. Everything is there on my part. Her traits morals how she feels in life. We are so alike that way. She says the same all the traits are there but something is missing physically because I am not so confident that she would like.

    Think today is one of these days I will have to keep busy. Just waiting for her to come home later and say she got the flat that’s further away. It will be good if she gets it but it’s the dread because I know she will be leaving. Selfish of me I suppose but not on a horrible way if you know what I mean.

    My ideal scenario would be she get her flat and like she says gets into a routine. Gives us some space and maybe we get the spark back and maybe get back together. But on other hand I think I have to think the worst as I feel its won’t happen. That’s life I suppose.

    Thank you Anita.

    #369440
    Karen
    Participant

    Hi anita

    Sorry my post is rushed etc. Yes my parents and family are very supportive. They had planned to visit me and L but due to covid restrictions its not possible.

    Yes I came out as gay 10 years ago and was in that relationship for 5 years. After that relationship I did feel hurt and betrayed. I didn’t really want to look for a relationship if it happened it happened.  In January L and I started talking through a dating app. Then we entered into a relationship.  I am a shy person at first but I am a people person. no not lacking confidence In being gay as such. But not as experienced in relationships compared to L. I am comfortable with my sexuality but in my previous relationship it felt that my ex wasnt so open. L is confident out in public and in her intimate relationship with me.  I wasn’t as confident by initiating intimacy which she said was an issue. She wanted me to be more confident in initiating. With L in public I felt more open more relaxed and happy being like that with her. That’s how it should be.

    Yes we clicked, talked non stop and had such a genuine connection. We clicked as friends first. I have never felt so at ease and open with someone before even when we just started talking as friends. She new about my previous relationship etc and understood why I was a bit sceptical about people intentions. Trusting people she was same due to being hurt. she was aswell really due to her previous relationship. We were very open about that. Started talking beginning of January met up February and the covid happened. Which threw us in at the deepend and she was living with me. In saying that we got on so well as we were so comfortable living together.

    Yes you are right she was romantic, date nights, gifts etc. Made me feel special. Yes very much so I was very open with L compared to my previous relationship. Yes my gestures weren’t as good as hers just because she was a step ahead more romantic. I let us down that way because I should have made more effort.I was exhausted due to work also. But I look back and I should have showed how much she means to me.

    I did feel a bit scared yes as did she. yes it was so rushed not ideal as would have liked. Think timing rushed things to quick. But in saying that we were so happy with our relationship. I wouldnt say I am uncomfortable with her and in public. To he honest we maybe went out a few times just due to the covid restrictions. Yes held hands etc. But that was all new in a sence to me as that wasn’t done in my previous relationship due to my ex. My ex wouldn’t hold hands in public. So that’s what I was use to. But with L I was more than happy yes it wasnt something I was use to but I was happy being open.

    With my work it’s a very physical job anyway but since covid it has become worse. Constantly being physical for long hours which I feel was catching up with me. By getting stressed and worn out and exhausted. With L I am so at ease I don’t think I have ever been so at ease with someone. Never talked and opened up so much to anybody. We are best friends. She says the same she’s never opened up to someone like she has with me. I was much more happy compared to previous relationship. Also being head over heels in love. People would say its like a love story because how suited we were.

    Yes it was beginning of April as I recall. Think being stuck in the house and due to covid lockdown it took its toll on her. Least with myself I was going out to work during that time she was in the house all day. When she left she said wanted to be friends. But she would txt and phone like she did previously. Then she wanted to come back.

    She moved back in as lodger/friend thats how it was going to be. Then she said she still loved me and gave it a go. Talked about future stuff yes.

    Yes in September I felt things were getting ontop of me with work being stressful, being tired. She finished the relationship but then gave it another go then before my birthday she finished it then apologised and said she wanted us to work.

    L is impulsive she has a get up and go doesn’t want to sit around. Very active person prob due to the army and into fitness.

    Before I met L I was comfortable being gay. Just not so open. But with L I have never been so relaxed and happy in myself and being a gay couple. Family and friends could see how happy I was. My parents could sense how happy I was and how L made me feel. They were happy and shd was made to feel part of the family.

    Yes I have been distressed and up and down. Trying to understand things that L has said she wanted as a couple etc.  then to totally change her mind. That’s what I find hard to forget when she’s said things like loves me wants this and that coff our future. Saying this literally a week before she split up for good. Why say these things if you new relationship was finished in her head along time ago. When it comes to work I have come to the conclusion work is work there is no point getting stressed. L would say that to me just try not and get worked up about it. Which I did once I finished work I left it there. Obviously covid I feel has played a part as we can’t do what Normals couples do at the beginning of relationships ie going oug for meal weekends away etc. Thats the excitement of a new relationship.

    I have only become distressed since breakup as I try to think where and how it went wrong. I should have fond more shown her more how I felt about her. Maybe it was the timing it was all to fast due to timing of covid throwing us in at the deepend.

    I know my emotions are up and down at the moment just because it’s all so sudden and the when L says she’s seen it finished for a while now. But it’s hard to forget all the things discussed and wanted for the future. Hope this makes more sense.

    Apologies for my previous rushed post.

    Thank you Anita

    #369375
    Karen
    Participant

    Ok. My first major relationship was 10 years ago or so when first came out as being gay. I was with my previous partner for 5 years and she cheated. Took a long time for me to get over and wasn’t interested in smother relationship. Met people on a few occasions but wasn’t interested. Then started to talk to this recent partner on s dating app. Clicked straight away same interests very alike and she liked things that I did. Got on well then that was the start of it. This is why I am so hurt and upset as I think back to my previous relationship and it was nothing like this. Previous one was controlling. Where as this wasn’t. She knows about my previous relationship and that I was hurt. She would put me at ease knowing that it scared me that we had feelings do quick for each other. But when she talks snd split few weeks back. Even after doing snd saying things snout the future she says saw me as a friend. Even yesterday it was let’s forget about the past and focus on our friendship. But easier for her if she though relationship was finished over a month ago. With her I feel so different from my last relationship. Childhood. Was good loving parents supportive. Even when I met this recent partner they were alway supportive. They hadn’t met her as they live away from me. But had planned to go visit actually would have been this week. My ex wanted to meet the family like I did hers. She met some of my family previously when we went to visit for few days but she not long ago told me she saw us like it was friends going on holiday. But she still tslked about major future things. She hasn’t got the fsmily support her side but I have always made her feel welcome into my fsmily as I saw her as my future.

    Sorry for confusing you

    #369362
    Karen
    Participant

    Yeah she did understand and that’s why she maybe put more effort as where I didn’t. She was at home more and she took on her fair share of the home stuff she paid her way etc. I do feel she was empathetic to an extent. I feel me not being so confident as in when we’re are out in public was a issue and also maybe when intimate. Not so confident. Yes I am shy but she def made me feel more conifent and more me not being so shy about being gay. She made me feel how I should be. But on other occasions I felt when I explained why I wasn’t as confident as never previously done that. But with her I was so relaxed and was so happy to be with her. thats why I am so hurt because I wanted and felt so at ease with her.

     

    #369359
    Karen
    Participant

    Not sure how u mean. She’s can be impulsive and can’t sit around but I liked that. Vs love and generosity how do you mean?

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