Dear nycartist:

You shared that you received a Happy Thanksgiving text from this woman (it is clear to me that she is a former friend, not a current friend), and an email the next day. The email started as an apology, but then went into “a few more of her baseless accusations”, and passive aggressive jokes against you. Although it was “quasi apology” email, you wrote back to her a long, thoughtful email, expressing compassion for her, “trying to make peace”, expressing to her that you want to “work things out and continue on a more respectful way”, “trying to make peace.. focus on the things that unite us rather than divide us”.

Her response: she accused you of gaslighting her (Wikipedia: “Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation in which a person or a group covertly sows seeds of doubt in a targeted individual or group, making them question their own memory, perception, or judgment… gaslighting involves attempts to destabilize the victim and delegitimize the victim’s beliefs”), suggesting that your email was creepy and reminded her of a guy who stalked her.

You wrote about this woman: “(She) has some mental issues.. she seems to seriously have broken off from reality. It almost reminds me of a schizophrenic person who thinks there are conspiracies against them everywhere.. (she) accusing me of strange things that never happened, and even picking apart things  I’ve said and twisting them into sounding some other kind of way”.

Based on what you already shared,  her problem is unfortunately too common: she is a believer in Conspiracy Theories. I want to elaborate on this American destructive problem, a problem with consequences way bigger than the loss of  single friendship. I will be quoting and paraphrasing from Wikipedia. (I will not mention any person in the current U.S. administration, nor will I mention the current U.S. most current and popular conspiracy theories):

“Conspiracy theories once limited to fringe audiences have become commonplace in mass media, contributing to conspiracism emerging as a cultural phenomenon in the United States of the late 20th and early 21st centuries.. Conspiratorial thinking is correlated with antigovernmental orientations.. perceiving a governmental threat to individual rights and displaying a deep skepticism that who one votes for really matters. Conspiracy theories are often commonly believed, some even being held by the majority of the population.

A broad cross-section of Americans today gives credence to at least some conspiracy theories. For instance.. the equivalent of 120 million Americans” believe that the chemtrail conspiracy theory (“the erroneous belief that long-lasting condensation trails.. consisting of chemical or biological agents left in the sky by high-flying aircraft, sprayed for nefarious purposes undisclosed to the general public”) is “completely true” or “somewhat true”, according to a 2016 study.

“Conspiracy theories are widely present on the Web in the form of blogs and YouTube videos, as well as on social media”.

Wikipedia defines conspiracy theory as “an explanation for an event or situation that invokes a conspiracy by sinister and powerful groups, often political in motivation, when other explanations are more probable”.

“Conspiracy theories resist falsification (“the capacity for a statement, theory or hypothesis to be contradicted by evidence”) and are reinforced by circular reasoning (“a logical fallacy in which the reasoner begins with what they are trying to end with”- the reasoner uses what he/she believes to be the conclusion (ending) of his argument as the premise (beginning) of his argument. Here is an example that I just now making up: a reasoner believes that the world is flat, that’s his conclusion; he then begins his argument with the conclusion (the ending)  being his premise (beginning): the earth is flat, therefore the photos from space showing the earth is round are fake photos, photoshopped and published by a sinister, powerful group.

“both evidence against the conspiracy and an absence of evidence for it are re-interpreted as evidence of its truth, whereby the conspiracy becomes a matter of faith rather then something that can be proved or disproved.”- continuing with the example I made up: one argues against the conspiracy theory I just made up, saying: there are no photos from space showing that the Earth is flat, so.. no evidence that the Earth is flat. The  only photos/ evidence is that the earth is round.

The believer in the conspiracy theory would say: there are no photos of the earth being flat because that sinister, powerful group are hiding those photos from the public, and all the scientists are in on it.  And the photos that show that the Earth is round- those are fake, photoshopped…

“Real conspiracies, even very simple ones, are difficult to conceal and routinely experience unexpected problems. In contrast, conspiracy theories suggest that conspiracies are unrealistically successful and that groups of conspirators, such as bureaucracies, can act with near-perfect competence and secrecy… events and situations are simplified to exclude complex or interacting factors, as well as the role of chance and unintended consequences. Nearly all observations are explained as having been deliberately planned by the alleged conspirators. In conspiracy theories, the conspirators are usually claimed to be acting with extreme malice”.

Robert Brotherton, the author of the book Suspicious Minds: Why We Believe Conspiracy Theories: “The malevolent intent assumed by most conspiracy theories goes far beyond everyday plots borne out of self-interest, corruption, cruelty, and criminality. The postulated conspirators are not merely people with selfish agendas or differing values. Rather, conspiracy theories postulate a black-and-white world in which good is struggling against evil. The general public is cast as the victim of organised persecution, and the motives of the alleged conspirators often verge on pure maniacal evil. At the very least, the conspirators are said to have an almost inhuman disregard for the basic liberty and well-being of the general population. More grandiose conspiracy theories portray the conspirators as being Evil Incarnate: of having caused all the ills from which we suffer, committing abominable acts of unthinkable cruelty on a routine basis, and striving ultimately to subvert or destroy everything we hold dear”.

“Belief in conspiracy theories is generally based not on evidence, but in the faith of the believer”.

Back to your story: this woman, your former friend, accused you of gaslighting her (“She told me I was gaslighting her”), that is, she accused you of manipulating her to doubt her beliefs in conspiracy theories.

This is quite insane, isn’t it.

You wrote in your recent post: “I’m finding myself rereading these emails multiple times a day and replaying this in my mind. I know I HAVE TO LET GO”- I would like to help you, if only a bit, to let go. For that purpose, I am wondering about the nature of your difficulty to let her go, or to let it go. I am asking the following question because it occurred to me as a possibility and I am checking with you if there is any truth to it: are you afraid of her in any way, afraid of what she might do out of anger at you?

anita