Dear Karen:

I am glad you had a first relaxing weekend alone, and I hope that this second weekend will be relaxing as well, even though your last conversation with L caused you some distress.

You shared that L had been texting and phoning you every day this week, “phoning a lot”. Last night, Friday night,  you met and talked. She asked you how are feeling, and you told her that you still have the same feelings for her, feelings that will not change with a click of the fingers. She then said that maybe you shouldn’t see each other. Next, she said that she was getting Christmas presents for you.

L told you that when you first met, there wasn’t an initial attraction. And that during the relationship, you tried to change for her. You told her (or thought it) that you were changing because you really were becoming more confident in the relationship, not because you were faking (holding hands, etc.)

She told you that the first time you went out for dinner, she asked you questions because she wanted to get to know you, but you were super nervous that night. You told her (or thought it) that during that first dinner you were nervous because of those butterflies she awakened in you.

She then told you that she feels guilty.  You asked her why? And she said that if she speaks to someone online, she feels guilty, even though she shouldn’t feel guilty because she is not together with you, and therefore, she is not doing anything wrong.

She then said: “I want to be honest with you. I have been talking to someone and she knows me and (my) situation and is understanding.. (I’m) meeting her tomorrow, Saturday”. You said nothing in return.

At some other time she said that she knows that eventually she will get a new partner and you and her will fizzle out, but later said that it “wasn’t going to happen on her side for a while”.

You wrote: “I just don’t know how to take the conversations sometimes. Is she testing  me in a sense to see what I say… I just don’t know what to think”-

– My understanding of what she is thinking and feeling:

1. She is feeling guilty about ending the relationship and as a result,  you being hurt and disappointed. She is a decent person, she cares about not hurting others. Plus, (invalid) guilt is strong in her regarding her family, so it is not surprising to me that she feels guilty in regard to you too.

2. She likes you as a friend, at this point, and she is looking for a physical/ emotional attraction and excitement in a relationship with someone new. Her search for that someone new has already started, and is in progress. She feels a newness in her life, having just moved and .. she wants more newness, someone/ something exciting.

– What will happen next, I do not know. It is possible that she will find her excitement with this woman she is meeting Saturday, it is possible that she will not; it is possible that she will keep looking, but (I am sorry to say), it seems to me that she is not looking for that newness and excitement with you.

I am guessing that if she fails in finding what she wants, that she will need you for emotional support and help, and she will reach out to you. She might at that point be interested in a relationship with you, giving it another chance. Problem is that in her mind, there is no attraction to you, and that may remain the case long term.

I am sorry to be writing what I  just did, but I believe that facing reality leads to good mental health, so that’s the reality I see, through your words over time.

I hope to read more from you today/ this weekend, I want you to be okay.

anita