Hi Anita,

I thought I would add some things. As mentioned I still live in the same house. It does make it harder. As I said I have zero mental, emotional and physical strength to move due to the breakdown. If a person has never had one, they don’t understand the hell that is to get through.

I’ve spent my entire day alone. The only think I said to her was hi. I knew better to attempt any other conversation. If it involves any kind of emotional intimacy, it just never ends well.

I sent a text expressing how I was feeling last night and why I slept alone. As per usual I did not receive an acknowledgement or reply of my text. I text her rarely if at all. I have finally got to the point where I realise, I’m not important enough to be acknowledged.

There has been tears for me today. Hurt all.over again. See, I had started to open myself up bit by bit again. Open me up, open up my heart to her. Build some trust again. I was hopeful. I’d done so much hard work and last night’s experience just something said no more.

How can a person that has told me I matter and they love me, do that? Is it me that is emotionally immature and missing something? Over the last year I have had so many different messages, messages of love, messages driven by hate and everything else in between that I don’t even know who I am anymore.

Last night during our talk she said to me, when I’m in a relationship with someone I don’t talk much as to avoid an argument, a confrontation, to keep the peace and so on. I don’t say what I think and feel. She then said if the relationship ends, I can then say whatever I like because the relationship is over. I listened, I understood and I got it. The facts are I’m not her therapist and it’s best left for her therapist.

It does impact on me. Cause this is how the relationship was.

I’m.the communicator, expressive, like to talk, healthy communication. I’ve really done a lot for this woman in a healthy way. I know factually, I’m the healthiest partner she has ever had. No control, no power, no abuse, strong love. Many things. She can’t see me. I’m overshadowed by everyone that has done wrong by her. I’ve given up with being seen. I’ve lost hope and losing hope is a devastating place to be. I know I did all Of could, with all that was available to me and in many ways, everything that was available to me to make life better for us both, she continuously blocked those avenues.

As it stands, my head is a mess. I don’t know the lies from the truth anymore. It’s actually bordering on causing really bad mental health because there’s so many different versions of things. There has never been once that I have not wanted to speak with her, I truly feel that way now. It scares me because the feeling is so strong. I’m tired of the games. I feel.she sometimes holds the power when it comes to communication and it’s a game I don’t want.

I’m really in a lot of pain in my heart.