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Dark place with realisations

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  • #370465
    Changeagent
    Participant

    I broke up with my partner in November and had a nervous breakdown at the exact same time. I was absolutely devastated and heartbroken. She was the best thing about my life because she was with me in life.

    I’m still devastated and deeply hurt. I was getting hurt a lot throughout the relationship. I’m not saying I did not make mistakes, who doesn’t, but once aware of my actions and how they were affecting my partner they stopped.

    I had to deal with a lot if heartache and pain throughout the relationship. Stonewalling for extremely long periods, it did a lot if damage over time, being asked to leave time and time again (we lived together) packing my bags with nowhere to go then after a few days being asked to stay.

    Trust being broken over and over again after rebuilding it. Not being seen for me because her vision was do very blocked by her past and her past partners. It’s fair to say that some of her actions and behaviour have added to my previous traumas. Even though she isn’t my mother, a lot if what she did resembled actions my mother took. I really bad to work hard at seperating them as two individual people and not seeing her like my mother.

    Fast forward to November this year, I lost it and we split. I just couldn’t do it anymore. My heart and mind could not take anymore.

    I still am living in the same house, what was our house. I’m not the same person I was when we met. Obviously I have grown a bit as a person and learnt some positive things about life and myself.

    I was going to move out, I just found that with a very serious breakdown plus a breakdown of my relationship, and literally having no support I didn’t have the strength to go through that major process.

    We have been talking, it doesn’t even matter what about now.

    We slept apart when we we broke up obviously. With our talking we both discovered we want to be together, but take it slow.

    She also got diagnosed with Bipolar in Octiber this year and is now in medication and in therapy. I’m happy for her.

    The thing is, the damage is so extensive. Since we’ve been apart it has given me time to reflect a lot. I won’t say I don’t love her anymore because I do. In saying that, part of me loving her is to allow her to fall flat on her face and help herself get back up again, whether she does it or not. In other words, no fixing or rescuing. It’s not easy because I grew up with a mother who wanted me to fix and rescue her. A mother that was also abusing me, unforgiveably at times.

    I’ve always been attuned to others and what may be going on for them. Even understanding. However I completely forgot about me, because there was no time for me growing up. Everyone had a need they needed from me and a responsibility and role assigned to me for each person for a very very long time. Started as a very young child. I thought it was normal. Till much later in life, J learnt it was not. It’s quite recent actually, not even a year. So, I’m having to undo long term conditioning and brain washing.

    Last night I was having a conversation with her. The conversation did not go for long. In the middle of it, she got upset. I let her cry for a bit and asked her if she would like to tell me why she was crying. She got up, got a tissue, walked out and went to the bathroom. I thought she would come back. She didn’t come back to finish our conversation.

    This was something that happened a lot before I broke up with her in November. I tried to even lay boundaries and consequences. It never stopped. Her doing that last night really just reminded me of everytime that happened in the relationship. I actually went to a really dark place in myself. My tears didn’t matter, my expressed hurt over it did not matter and she just went to bed.

    I went to bed too, just not in the same room. I really wanted to be alone.

    I’m.not in a good place in myself. My head is a huge mess, I’m so confused about everything, that I still.do not trust my own perceptions about things.

    Things are never consistent, have never been consistent and I’m just dying in myself more and more everyday. I don’t even believe in life anymore.

    I didn’t write this to support others who may be having problems too. I have no support to offer anyone. Flat out just trying to give myself five minutes of my own support.

    I suppose whatever comes back, if anything, so be it.

    #370472
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Changeagent:

    You shared the following about your childhood: “I grew up with a mother who wanted me to fix and rescue her. A mother that was also abusing me, unforgiveably at times… I completely forgot about me, because there was no time for me growing up. Everyone had a need they needed from me, and a responsibility and role assigned to me for each person for a very very long time. Started as a very young child. I thought it was normal”.

    Fast forward into adulthood, you have lived with a partner who stonewalled you for “extremely long periods”, asked you “to leave time and time again” while you had nowhere to go to, packed your bags and after a few days, asked you to stay. A lot of what she did, her actions and behaviours, resembled those of your mother. And so, she added to your childhood traumas.

    On your part, you made mistakes in the relationship, but once you became aware of how certain actions negatively affected her, you stopped those actions. She didn’t see you clearly because “her vision was very blocked by her past and her past partners”. In October she was diagnosed with a Bipolar disorder.

    Last month, your “heart and mind could not take anymore”- you broke up with her and suffered a nervous breakdown. Currently the two of you are talking again and “we both discovered we want to be together, but take it slow”. She is currently on medication for her bipolar disorder.

    You are considering resuming the relationship with her, but this time, “no fixing or rescuing”.  Instead, you will “allow her to fall flat on her face and help herself, get back up again, whether she does it or not”. You understand that for you to change this behavior, you will have to “undo long term conditioning and brain washing”.

    Last night the two of you were having a conversation. In the middle of it she got upset and started to cry. You asked her why she was crying. Her response: “She got up, got a tissue, walked out and went to the bathroom”, and was gone, she didn’t come back to finish your conversation. This was a repeat of her past behavior. It reminded you of the many times this happened before, and you “went to a dark place” in yourself.

    “My tears didn’t matter, my expressed hurt over it did not matter and she just went to bed. I went to bed too, just not in the same room. I really wanted to be alone… I’m not in a good place in  myself. My head is a huge mess. I’m so confused about everything.. do not trust my own perceptions about things… I don’t even believe in life anymore”.

    My input- you shared regarding your experience as a child: “I completely forgot about me, because there was no time for me.. Everyone had a need they needed from me”- you are back there, currently: you forgot yourself. There is no time for you because she has her needs, and yours don’t matter.

    I remember myself as a child, I too forgot myself, there was no time or place for me outside my own imaginings and fantasy life. In reality, I didn’t matter, I wasn’t seen or heard. It was as if I did not exist outside my fantasy life (where I was seen and heard, being an international superstar, dancing in front of large audiences, cheered to).

    Outside my fantasy life I was in a dark place, my head- a huge mess, confused, doubting my own perceptions, feeling guilty and ashamed, so desperate to be seen yet enduring eternity in the shadows.

    Back to you: I don’t think you can recover from the damage done to you by your mother while in a relationship with a woman who resembles your mother in her behaviors.

    I think that you need to reassert that breakup of only a month ago. Rescue yourself. Be the agent of change in your own life- turn the lights in that “Dark place” and find your way out (or show her the way out, again).

    anita

     

     

     

     

    #370502
    Changeagent
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

     

    Thanks for sharing. I agree that I cannot heal from my mother with someone who displays the same behaviours. I have said it myself. I am sorry that you were neglected and abandoned as a child and that you had to create your own imaginings and fantasies as a child in order to know what it would feel like to be seen and heard. Reality is stark to that contrast and the truth of it, painful and heartbreaking.

    I have no idea how I am going to get through this part of my life, but I know I am at rock bottom again. I also know that I have no energy to try repair a relationship that fell apart. I am barely able to help me. Thank you for your input, it counts.

    Changeagent

    #370505
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Changeagent:

    I will be able to read your recent post when I am back to the computer in about 14 hours from now. You are welcome to post again and add anything you want to add before I return.

    anita

    #370520
    Changeagent
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    I thought I would add some things. As mentioned I still live in the same house. It does make it harder. As I said I have zero mental, emotional and physical strength to move due to the breakdown. If a person has never had one, they don’t understand the hell that is to get through.

    I’ve spent my entire day alone. The only think I said to her was hi. I knew better to attempt any other conversation. If it involves any kind of emotional intimacy, it just never ends well.

    I sent a text expressing how I was feeling last night and why I slept alone. As per usual I did not receive an acknowledgement or reply of my text. I text her rarely if at all. I have finally got to the point where I realise, I’m not important enough to be acknowledged.

    There has been tears for me today. Hurt all.over again. See, I had started to open myself up bit by bit again. Open me up, open up my heart to her. Build some trust again. I was hopeful. I’d done so much hard work and last night’s experience just something said no more.

    How can a person that has told me I matter and they love me, do that? Is it me that is emotionally immature and missing something? Over the last year I have had so many different messages, messages of love, messages driven by hate and everything else in between that I don’t even know who I am anymore.

    Last night during our talk she said to me, when I’m in a relationship with someone I don’t talk much as to avoid an argument, a confrontation, to keep the peace and so on. I don’t say what I think and feel. She then said if the relationship ends, I can then say whatever I like because the relationship is over. I listened, I understood and I got it. The facts are I’m not her therapist and it’s best left for her therapist.

    It does impact on me. Cause this is how the relationship was.

    I’m.the communicator, expressive, like to talk, healthy communication. I’ve really done a lot for this woman in a healthy way. I know factually, I’m the healthiest partner she has ever had. No control, no power, no abuse, strong love. Many things. She can’t see me. I’m overshadowed by everyone that has done wrong by her. I’ve given up with being seen. I’ve lost hope and losing hope is a devastating place to be. I know I did all Of could, with all that was available to me and in many ways, everything that was available to me to make life better for us both, she continuously blocked those avenues.

    As it stands, my head is a mess. I don’t know the lies from the truth anymore. It’s actually bordering on causing really bad mental health because there’s so many different versions of things. There has never been once that I have not wanted to speak with her, I truly feel that way now. It scares me because the feeling is so strong. I’m tired of the games. I feel.she sometimes holds the power when it comes to communication and it’s a game I don’t want.
    <p style=”text-align: center;”>I’m really in a lot of pain in my heart.</p>
     

    #370528
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Changeagent:

    You are welcome and thank you for your empathy: at rock bottom, you are still empathetic, still attentive to another person’s feelings.

    Because your role as a child was to attend to others’ needs and forget about yours- this must not happen here. This thread is about you: your needs, your feelings, your life experience.

    “I have no energy to try repair a relationship that fell apart”- it is a relationship where you fell apart, a relationship that pushed you down to a “rock bottom”.

    When we remain in relationships that broke us, trying to repair them- we break more.

    You sent her a text last night, expressing how you felt and why you slept alone, and “as per usual”, she did not acknowledge your text. You were “not important enough to be acknowledged”.

    “How can a person that has told me I matter and they love me, do that?”- it is easy to tell a person anything, it is easy to say words, it takes seconds.

    “Is it me that is emotionally immature and missing something?”- from reading your original post and on (and I have read thousands of accounts in these forums over the years), I noticed quickly that you are unusually mature and insightful, unusually aware of reality, seeing the big picture.

    “Over the last year I had so many different messages, messages of love, messages driven by hate and everything in between that I don’t even know who I am anymore”- as the social feeling/ thinking animals that we are, we are each other’s mirror: we see ourselves in the other person’s facial expressions, tone of voice, words and actions. When she expressed love, you saw yourself as worthy of love, if only for a moment; when she expressed hate, you saw yourself as worthy of hate, worthy of being ignored.

    Last night she told you that when she is in a relationship, she doesn’t talk much so “to avoid an argument, a confrontation, to keep the peace”- seems like her past experience in relationships is that of arguments and confrontations; war, not peace.

    She said that when in relationship, she says what she thinks and feels, but when the relationship ends, she “can say whatever (she) likes because the relationship is over”- seems like her past relationship experience was that in which she said things that led to the ending of the relationships, so she learned to be quiet, to not say anything for as long as she can, stonewalling a person when angry.

    “I know factually, I’m the healthiest partner she has ever had. No control, no power, no abuse, strong love”- in her past relationships, I doubt that every guy, or perhaps any guy, was in power and control while she was powerless.

    Look what happened to the “healthiest partner she has ever had”- he broke: “my head is a mess. I don’t know the lies from the truth anymore.. bordering on causing really bad mental health issues”. She broke you, she has had the power over you and she abused that power.

    What I wrote right above- I wrote before I read the following (I responded to your post part by part, each part before I read the next): “she sometimes holds the power when it comes to communication”-

    Communication is the heart of relationships, so when she holds the power when it comes to communication- she holds the power over the relationship.

    Communication is also who you are: “I’m the communicator, expressive, like to talk, healthy communication”. When she holds the power over the (lack of) communication, she holds the power over you (I am the communicator, you wrote).

    Earlier you wrote about her behaviors: “Stonewalling for extremely long periods.. being asked to leave time and time again.. packing my begs”- she is often angry. She may very well fit the Bipolar diagnosis that she received. Another professional could perhaps diagnose her with Borderline Personality Disorder. Regardless of the diagnosis, there is lots of anger in her heart, and that anger causes your heart to be in pain: “I’m really in a lot of pain in my heart”.

    I understand that you feel weak and powerless to solve your living arrangement at the moment. But as a written exercise, can you list the practical steps needed to get her out of your house (1, 2, 3..)?

    anita

    #370557
    Changeagent
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    You are welcome. Being an empath is a gift and curse. I am sure many times you have heard that and it is true. It’s a way of being that can be studied for a whole life time because it is a complex way of being for others to understand how it feels to be an empath. Most people don’t get it, even in laymen’s terms. It’s a lonely life. I have gotten a bit better by not taking so much on though. Its made life easier on me in some ways.

    You said : “I have no energy to try repair a relationship that fell apart”- it is a relationship where you fell apart, a relationship that pushed you down to a “rock bottom” I never thought of it like this ever. I will need to consider it. My head is such a mess and my heart hurts so bad that it is really hard to understand anything right now. I believe there is some truth in it, it is just that I also have had family of origin stuff going on at the same time this year. I cut contact with my mother last year on December 1st. Consequently that meant I also lost contact with my sister and niece. I lost three family members all at the same time. It was the only three I had left. I now have no family at all, not even any extended family. It took me 40 years to realise that I had been abused by my mother since I was a child. I never saw it. I never knew it as abuse. I do now. It hit me hard, I did not cope well. I also went down hill because of that all happening. Then Covid hit and I could not get any support because everything closed down. Services and so on. It was just one thing on top of the other, building and building and building. Come November, I lost it completely and ended my relationship.

    I was under a tonne of stress and pressure prior to me ending it. It took a long time for a diagnosis and medication. I was carrying a big load on my own. I assumed so much responsibility. I knew finances were going to change, so I was trying to get more work so it wouldn’t be an added stressor. I knew she was not in a position to work, so it was up to me. I didn’t see the use in adding more pressure onto her or onto me because she would not cope with it. She was very blind to a lot of her own stuff and I was flat out just trying to get us through. I was extremely tired/fatigued all the time. The kind that sleep doesn’t solve.  I wasn’t coping very well, but trying to keep it together. One Friday, I came home after a few hours of work and I was so tired that I basically lay down and crashed till the next day. We had an argument and I got pushed too far with some things she said and that was it, I ended the relationship. My choices were literally leave her in the lurch struggling and not coping, do my own things and watch it unfold or help her. The first option was never a choice for me, to me that is not love and not what love does. I went into my relationship with a full commitment to grow as a person individually and together with my partner. I do not regret ending the relationship. I do not know if I still love her truly, I cannot see past my own hurt and the damage done. My heart hurts real bad. I cry every day. I waiver from strong to weak, to believing we can work it out, to believing we cannot. My head is a mess and so is my heart. I am on my second day of spending the day by myself intentionally. Just trying to make it through each day, sometimes just minute by minute.

    When I met her, we had quite a few huge spiritual experiences that involved the both of us. Its like when we hug we are fused together. There’s a fusion, a belonging, like coming home. That happened when we first met physically and hugged. Neither of us were expecting it. Who would. Many many experiences followed after that. None we were expecting or tried to bring on, they just happened. I feel her tummy against mine and there’s something there fusing us together. A recognition? I do not know how to describe it. With all the trouble we had, there was also a huge amount of love. I am not dismissing the heartache and the pain at all. I cannot dismiss it.

    For clarity purposes, I am female. I suppose some people will call it a same sex relationship. I personally just say a relationship because love is love and the sexual form does not matter to me. I just prefer to keep things simple.

    I am not ready to ask her to move out. I assure you, I know in myself how unstable I am right now. I also have lived on the streets. I did so in 2014. I can tell you, life on the streets is not pretty. You move on but you never forget. I know for a fact, that asking her to leave will mean she has nowhere to go. I live in a small regional town in Australia where there is not a lot of services at all. She would not even be able to get crisis accommodation. Her financial state is not such where she can just pack up, find a place and move in elsewhere. I know this sounds like I am considering her, more than I am considering myself. I want to say though, that I am not in a stable place in myself. I stare into space, I sleep and just try get through a day alive. I know I am deeply depressed. I know I am unstable. I have been here before. It would be a very different story if she was slapping me around, verbally abusing me, swearing at me, putting me down, putting my life in danger, or even getting violent. That is when I would say enough and to get out. She is not doing those things.

    I also am not sure, how I feel about so many things. The whole relationship I have been told to take responsibility. Right from the start. As I mentioned I went into my relationship with the full commitment to grow as a person individually and with my partner. I have never been one to shirk responsibility, but I was never given reasons for taking responsibility when I was told to. I asked why and what for, that was never forthcoming. When it was on the odd occasion, I fought at times because I recognised that I was being made to take responsibility for what others had done, not me. In that case I flat out refused to take responsibility for what others had done. It only made her angrier. It went on for a long time. Its just changed now, to me having to admit my mistakes. I do that and have done so from the start. I have also then changed because I could see it was no good. I have learnt though that what she perceives as me making a mistake is not always me making a mistake. Its the fact that she doesn’t understand me.

    In regards to your point about the power imbalance. I agree with you.  I have actually bought this up with her. That has done a lot of damage too. I feel that people that like to excercise that power in a relationship is cruel. That has nothing to do with love. I’ve stopped pointing anything out. It leads to nowhere good, constructive nor positive for either of us. She has a therapist now, and a doctor. Tow things she needs. Let them do the work.

    You said: I noticed quickly that you are unusually mature and insightful, unusually aware of reality, seeing the big picture.

    I am unsure why you said “unusually mature” and “unusually aware of reality” ? I just wasn’t sure why it is unusual?

    Changeagent

    #370607
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Changeagent:

    You quoted me: “I noticed quickly that you are unusually mature and insightful, unusually aware of reality, seeing the big picture”, and you asked: “I am unsure why you said ‘unusually mature’ and ‘unusually aware of reality’? I just wasn’t sure why it is unusual?”-

    – I made that comment in response to what you asked here: “Is it me that is emotionally immature and missing something?”. My response was that it is not at all my impression that you are emotionally immature, but the opposite, that you are very mature= unusually mature, as in more mature than many other people, in my experience. Also, it is not at all my impression that you are “missing something”, but the opposite, that you are very aware of reality, that you are seeing a lot of it, the bigger picture.

    The bigger picture that you pointed to consists among other things, her seeing not you, but other people in her past (inaccurately projecting others into you), and of her adding to your childhood traumas by her mistreating you in ways that resemble the ways your mother mistreated you.

    Did I satisfactorily answer your question?

    You shared in your recent post that you lived on the streets in 2014 (“you move on but you never forget”), that you recently understood for the first time in 40 years that your mother indeed abused you since you were a child (“I never knew it was abuse. I do now”), that you cut contact with her December 2019, and consequently lost contact with your sister and niece, currently having “no family at all”. You live in a small regional town in Australia. When Covid hit and everything closed down, and knowing finances were going to get worse, and that your partner not being in a position to work- you tried to get more work, feeling a lot of stress and pressure, feeling “extremely tired/ fatigued all the time. The kind that sleep doesn’t solve”.

    You wrote that when you first met her and hugged, it felt like you were “fused together… a fusion, a belonging, like coming home… I feel her tummy against mine and there’s something there fusing us together”. You went into your relationship with her “with a full commitment to grow as a person individually and together… believing we can work it out”.

    You shared that you are an empath, which is a blessing and a curse, that you are deeply depressed and unstable, and that you’ve been those things before. You will not ask her to leave because she has nowhere to go.

    My understanding regarding that fusion/ coming home experience with her when you first met: it was your  state of mind, an intoxicating state of mind born out of a long-term unsatisfied hunger for a feeling of home, for a connection in which you can finally rest. This fusion was your desire to be home rushing ahead of you, making it seem like it was happening. But it didn’t really happen.

    You wrote: “It would be very different story if she was slapping me around, verbally abusing me, swearing at me, putting me down, putting my life in danger, or even getting violent. That is when I would say enough and to get out. She is not doing those things… In regard to your point about the power imbalance. I agree with you… I feel that people that like to exercise that power in a relationship is cruel”-

    – when a person succeeds in exercising power over another in non-violent ways, there is no need to practice violence. It is similar to the following: if a dog succeeds in scaring away a trespasser by barking, there is no reason to attack. Animals instinctively prefer to spend the least amount of energy so to accomplish their goals, as well as to not risk injury and death unless absolutely necessary.

    In other words, if she has power over you as-is, there is no motivation on her part to expand more energy than is required by slapping you around, what would be the use.. nor is there a reason for her to expose herself to unnecessary risks, such as the risk of being arrested for causing you physical injury.

    About injuries, there are injuries that are visible, such that involve blood pouring out of the body, and there are injuries that are visible in other ways: and broken bones and there are injuries that are not visible in the same ways that blood is visible- you can see them in the deadness of one’s eyes, in the aged look of the face, in the behavior of the injured, staring into space, sleeping a lot, acting “extremely tired/ fatigued all the time. The kind that sleep doesn’t solve”.

    Changeagent- I wish you get the one who is injuring you to live elsewhere, there has to be a place for her to go to. It is not right for you to suffer the way you do so that she will have a place to live, a place you pay for. It is not right for you to sacrifice your life so to benefit a woman who doesn’t seem to care that you are suffering. What is the use of cutting contact with your mother when you are living in effect, with your mother’s substitute?

    I know you are very tired and very distressed and I don’t know if you can focus on my words. Can you?

    anita

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