Dear Katie:

“My daughter the other morning was very upset about bf. She doesn’t know why he formed a father-like relationship with her, only to use her and hurt her”- children of minor and young adult age (when still vulnerable) experience their parents’ romantic relationships by proxy (minus the sexual/romantic part)- in her mind and heart she experienced the emotional equivalent of a romantic relationship where the man used her and hurt her. Fast forward, she meets a man.. she’ll be suspicious, distrusting, fearful and angry because she was already used and hurt by a man, bf (in addition to have been abused by a previous man, her father).

“I told her I can’t spend every moment thinking about bf. I think about her, her brother, me…I deserve better, and so does she.. We have to establish our boundaries with those people for our own peace of mind”- excellent response.

“This morning.. I was angry. Angry.. at myself, for not telling bf a year ago to ‘f’ off”- it’s not too late to tell him to f-off, really. It makes me smile, seems most appropriate to tell him just that. It may help your daughter too, to see her mother reacting appropriately to a man who she feels used her and hurt her.

If she witnesses you telling bf to f-off (in these words or other strong words) may empower her, make her feel that her anger is not mute, and that there is such a thing as justice in relationships.

“This morning.. I was angry. Angry at bf.. angry at my daughter.. angry at myself… I know this sounds so unlike me, but I was in a very angry place”- anger is not unlike you, it is part of you just as it is part of every human being on the face of the earth. There is a valid message in your anger, it is telling you that there is something you should do.

What could that something be?

“the harm he’s caused to my daughter is inexcusable. She was off limits in our relationship… seeing my daughter hurting is heartbreaking to me. And it’s all because of him”- do right by your daughter, tell bf to f-off (or other strong words) and tell him why- do it in the presence of your daughter.

anita