Dear Katie:

“My daughter seems to have these upsetting missing moments of bf when she’s been drinking”- it doesn’t mean that her upsetting-missing-moments are not authentic. Alcohol causes disinhibition, bringing to the surface what is felt deep inside.

“She drinks slowly over the course f 12 hours, but consumes a lot of alcohol”- because she is an adult living in another adult’s (your) home, you have the right to not permit her to carry on this drinking in your home. You can let her know that her drinking is grounds for eviction.

You shared that bf’s therapist asked him a question, paraphrased: are you bothered when you have an image in your mind of Katie and another guy? He answered: ‘yes’, and she didn’t follow up on his reply. This does not sound good to me: it’s a no brainer that such an image bothers him (and would bother almost any man engaging in images of his gf and another man), so the only therapeutic reason to ask him this question is to create an opening for a  conversation.

He answered yes (an answer that should not have been a news item to her), and she didn’t use it as an opening to a conversation- so why did she ask… maybe to check if he wants to say more than yes. He didn’t, so she didn’t pressure.

He told you earlier that he felt comfortable with her from the beginning.. .. probably because she does not challenge him at all. I hope that bf will attend a therapy with your therapist, but I doubt that bf will respond well to a therapist who challenges him. It will probably make him feel uncomfortable, and he will shut down or even leave the session early, if he attends it at all.

“part of what needs to be done is making amends with my daughter. Bf knows this”- his words, whatever they may be, are not going to be adequate to make amends with her. I believe that he should not be in her life for a long time,  even if you and him get back together. If a relationship resumes, I suggest that you don’t re-introduce him into your daughter’s life for six months or so, and re-evaluate it then; meet him at his home, not yours (while your daughter lives in your home).

“I need to either take slow steps forward with bf, or close this chapter. Limbo isn’t working”- Limbo is working for him, so far- his therapist is making him feel comfortable in limbo, having him sit comfortably on soft pillows, figuratively (and maybe literally, in her office). He shows up to “therapy” with her, therapy that is not about healing but about feeling better/ comfortable while in limbo.

anita