* Dear Oleks:

You shared that you are from the Ukraine, that you met a guy from Pakistan while studying in the UK, and had a good eight months relationship, “understanding, respect.. support each other… I really love him and it’s my first time I met such a person”. In August this year you travelled home to the Ukraine, and in December he travelled to Saudi Arabia where his family lives.

Two days ago, he told you that he heard his parents discussing getting him married (to a cousin), and he decided to tell them about you. When he did, his mother expressed that she was against you because you are not Pakistani, and she said that his family “know better what he needs”, that he will be happy with the cousin and not with you, that he should listen and respect his father, and that if he says no to them, there will be a fight within the family. As a result of all this, he told you that it is better that the two of you break up.

“I still can’t believe and can’t accept this. I still hope that I or he can do something and something will change… I love him and he really loves me… How can he be with cousin who he doesn’t know and doesn’t like? How will he be happy?.. I can’t believe this is happening”-

My input: I am sorry that you are in pain, that your heart is broken. It will take time for you to understand and accept what happened, and for your heart to heal. But it will happen. if you are willing.

You wrote: “First few months he was scared to promise me something”-  he probably knew that his family will object to him getting serious with a woman who is not of his religion/ nationality. His parents probably told him earlier whom they will approve of and whom they will reject.

“I still hope that I or he can do something and something will change”- not likely. I assume his parents/ family finance him, paying for his studies in the UK, for one. Likely they raised him to obey them from an early age- all this means that they have the power over him,  a power greater than the power of his love for you. They have plans for him (to marry the cousin, and have children with her), and you have plans for him (that he marries you)- but they have the power, therefore their plans for him rule over your plans.

“How can he be with cousin who he doesn’t know and doesn’t like?”- the same way as many men married their cousins/ arranged wives. Maybe his own father didn’t like the woman he married (your former boyfriend’s mother) but married her anyway. Maybe the aunt did the same- having married a man she didn’t like.

“How will he be happy?”- happiness is an overrated Western concept, a make-believe state of mind. Contentment is possible, occasional happiness/ joy is possible, but an ongoing state of happiness- I don’t think so.

If he married you, breaking up with his family- he would have been very unhappy. Breaking up with you made him unhappy. But being broken up with his family would have hurt him more than breaking up with you, this is why he broke up with you and not with them. Does this make sense to you?

anita