Dear Nichole:

There has been no posts for me to answer in the last two days, few today, so I spent my tiny buddha time studying your threads. I didn’t think you would mind the extra attention, and I think that maybe, if you will be reading the following calmly, over time, maybe it will be of help to you.

1. A summary of your story, as I understand it, with quotes from what you shared since August 2018, and my interpretations of the quotes are in parentheses: you grew up poor with a neglectful mother who was addicted to drugs, a father who was also addicted to drugs and who was mostly out of your life, and two brothers older than you. The older brother sexually abused you occasionally starting when you were five, all the way to 13. Your mother was focused on drugs being her priority over you, and later, she focused on a man/ a love interest, who had priority over you. You wrote about your mother: “I loved her so much. She was my best friend and enemy” (Every time she became your enemy, she betrayed your trust in her).

Your home of origin was not a peaceful, attentive home; it was a home of neglect, abuse, frequent arguments and invalidation: your emotions and needs were neglected and dismissed. As a result, you developed “severe PTSD from childhood.. a terrible temper…. hard to control my impulsivity sometimes”, and you were often “so confused”, feeling unstable and experiencing draining “ups and downs… deep depression”.

In 2015, you were 26 years old, living in a tiny apartment in Chicago with your mother, the younger brother of the two brothers, and his daughter (your niece). At that point, you were in a 1.5 year long online/phone relationship with a 100% blind man who lived in Florida. At 26, you moved out for the first time, driving all the way to Florida to meet the man whom you referred to as the man of your dreams, having “planned marriage and children”.

You got a job in Florida, a job that you continued to do, working from home, ever since. Currently working part time and on unemployment because of Covid.

You lived three years with this man, being his driver, caretaker and lover, living a higher lifestyle than you were used to because his family was wealthy. But those were not peaceful three years; often there were arguments, abuse and strife. You wrote:  “In the 3 years living with him I was verbally abusive when we argued, which was often.. an emotional wreck during our time together.. I put so much pressure on him”. “He started telling people I was mentally unstable and I was”.

At the end of the three years, you found out that he communicated online while living with you (and before, I am guessing, as he met you online..?) with multiple women, “saying he wanted to be with them and have kids and a future with them”. Your reaction: “I completely freaked out.. was very verbally abusive.. and even physical”, gathered all your belongings into your car and drove back to Chicago.

Back in the tiny apartment in Chicago, August 2018, your mother was not there: she was very sick in a hospital, in a rehab facility and last, in a nursing home. You lived with your younger brother, niece and your father who was back in the home. You quickly wanted to go back to the guy in Florida, “calling and texting like an emotional mess”, stalking him on Facebook, asking him “why we couldn’t make it  work even though I left”, and you “continued bashing him” while pleading with him to get back together.

In September 2018 your mother passed away, and you felt very guilty for not saving her, for not having been by her side every day in the hospital when she was sick, and for yelling at her the day she died in a nursing home.

While living in the tiny apartment, paying for expenses there, you wanted to move out, but (1) you were concerned that your younger brother will suffer financially if you stop paying expenses there, (2) you were saving money, hoping to buy a condo in Florida and move back there. You didn’t want to waste your money renting an apartment, (3) you figured that moving to your aunt’s basement, paying lesser rent there, will give you the opportunity to save for that condo in Florida.

In January 2019, you moved out of the tiny apartment to your aunt’s basement, and you felt “lonely, insecure and afraid”. You soon regretted moving to your aunt’s house, saying that she was driving you crazy,  that she was “completely codependent”,  and “a little passive-aggressive and controlling”. By the end of the first month of living with your aunt, you thought about renting an Airbnb for a couple of days so to get away from her. During the remaining stay in your aunt’s basement, you spent a lot of money on Airbnb,  getting away from her, which cut into your savings for that condo in Florida.

In February 2, 2018, you wrote: “I have yet to feel comfortable anywhere since being back (in Chicago)”.

You eventually moved out of your aunt, cut contact with her and with everyone else in your family, and lived in a room for rent, and later to an apartment.. but you felt worse than before. Eventually, in January 2020, you put all your belongings in your car, and drove back to Florida.. where you “lived in 5 places.. clashed with many people”, experiencing more turmoil, more depression, more strife.

In April 2020, you desperately called your aunt, told her about the sexual abuse you suffered from the older brother as a child and teenager. Her response: “she was very compassionate. She validated my feelings, offered to help me with anything I needed. Offered to buy me a plane ticket”, but you declined. She then called you a few days later, and at  one point during that conversation, she asked you why did you stop “contact with everyone if (older brother) was (your) reason of being afraid”. You felt shame and suspected that she meant to shame you when asking that question. Your reaction: “I.. blocked her again.. I’ve literally blocked so many people after an interaction like this”.

Eight months later, December 8, 2020, still in Florida, you wrote: “I hardly function these days. I have tried many times connecting in Churches and groups and it never works.. because I am bringing my unprocessed trauma along with me.. I don’t feel like I belong anywhere. I am so alone, so isolated… I keep trying here alone in Florida.. I am scared of people.. My ptsd has been triggered by so many people since leaving my family. I have found that 90% of the people I have met are just as abusive as my family.. I do  still feel like that little girl begging for love”.

2. My input, using quotes from what you shared: you articulated it accurately: you brought your unprocessed trauma with you everywhere you went, so far. You feel like you don’t belong anywhere because you did not feel like you belonged in your original home, a home of of neglect, abuse and invalidation.  As a child, you felt “so alone, so isolated” and you felt the same way ever since. As a child you were scared, and you continued to feel “scared of people” ever since. Everywhere you go, you see abusive people because you grew up with abusive people.

You “still feel like that little girl begging for love” because that little girl is still you, still begging for love. But this little girl is also very angry, understandably, for begging for so long and not received that desperately needed love and validation.

It is the combination of desperately needing love and intense anger at not receiving it that is dominating your inner and outer experience in life.

Not all people you meet and interact with in real-life are abusive: you interpret their words and actions as abusive even when they are not abusive, and you can’t tell the difference.  Examples: (1) while you lived with your aunt in 2019, she “came home 3 different times.. and caught me crying and came by me and literally acted as if she care and then asks me if I lost my job? Of all things. I think she wants me to lose my job”- she probably was really concerned about you and wanted to know the reason for your crying.  (2) when in April 2020, your aunt asked you why you cut contact with everyone in your family if you were afraid only of your older brother, you assumed that she was invalidating and shaming you and you blocked her, but she was probably curious and trying to understand you better. (If you asked her why she asked that question, instead of blocking her, there would have been a chance for you to consider a different motivation on her part).

When I asked you for an example of your aunt being “so passive aggressive and manipulative”, you answered: “It is hard to say how she does it, it is never a direct comment with her, she just makes these indirect comments aiming to make me feel bad”- more likely is that you interpreted what she said incorrectly, as aiming to make you feel bad. She said something-> you felt bad-> you assumed she meant to make you feel bad.

As a child you tried to be useful to your family members, trying to be valued and loved by them, but nothing you did to help them/ please them- was ever good enough to get you the love you needed- so you felt used, and you got very angry from time to time. Fast forward, in Aug 2018, you wrote regarding your sister in law: “She hardly says thank you and nothing is ever good enough… Last time I went to visit, I exploded on her… She really doesn’t act like she cares about me at all. But yet calls and asks for things”. In December 2018, you wrote: “I have been pleasing people in hopes that they would love me… I have always helped my family, took care of my mom”. In summary: the theme of you feeling unloved, invalidated and used repeats itself, as well as the theme of reaching out to others/ doing good things for others and then exploding angrily/ blocking the same people- being an angry people-pleaser.

As a child, you lived with people who were unwell, selfish, out for themselves, corrupt, aggressive, invalidating, cruel and toxic. You were betrayed by your family members . Fast forward, you experience being used, abused, manipulated and betrayed wherever you go, including when abuse and betrayal are not happening. Dec 2018 & Feb 2019: “I have been mainly abused and manipulated my whole life by my parents, my brother.. I have been used and abused my entire life by multiple people… all along I see I’ve had toxic manipulative people in my life.. everyone is so corrupt. Everyone is selfish and out for themselves…passive aggressive and cruel to me.. the betrayal never ends.. everywhere I look and turn is another realization and another betrayal”. March 2019: “95 percent of people just want to use people”. May 2019: “everyone I once trusted is cruel… people are so mean and cruel.. Everywhere I go I seem to be getting the same passive aggressive response”.

As a child, you tried hard to be loved and to feel happy, and every time you felt a bit happy, something happened that brought you down, so you figured that the people you grew up with noticed that you were beginning to feel happy, were displeased by you feeling happy,  and proceeded to purposefully bring you down. Fast forward, May 2019: “my entire family has turned on me and wanted to bring me down when I was finding happiness”, “the more happy I am the more someone wants to bring me down”.

December 2019: “I am in CBT therapy but I don’t feel understood so am looking else where. Not being validated is very difficult”. February 2020: “I’m attending therapy my therapist suggested an intensive program. My head tells me this is ridiculous”. In April 2020, you wrote: “My body hurts from anxiety. and this virus is only making it worse. This covid is getting scary. In June, you asked: “Why do I continue having the same bad experiences. Why do so many people hurt me. I feel like I have a sign on my forehead that says treat me bad.. the cruel cruel world”, and in November you wrote: ‘My boss is triggering me daily. He is a special kind of cruel.. I feel attacked, abused and misunderstood.. I don’t feel like I belong anywhere. I am so alone, so isolated”- like so many of us, Nichole, you keep reliving your childhood emotional and social experience.

The theme continues: every one is out to hurt you, everyone is cruel to you: “I have found that 90% of the people I have met are just as abusive as my family (Dec 8, 2020).

The World Health Organization, in its ICD-10 (International Statistical Classification of Diseases and related health problems)  defines a disorder called Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder (EUPD) of two subtypes, one of which is the impulsive type (F60.30): “At least three of the following must be present, one of which must be (2): 1. marked tendency to act unexpectedly and without consideration of the consequences, 2. marked tendency to engage in quarrelsome behavior and to have conflicts with others, especially when impulsive acts are thwarted or criticized. 3. liability to outbursts of anger or violence, with inability to control the resulting behavioral explosions; 4. difficulty in maintaining any course of action that offers no immediate reward;5. unstable and capricious (impulsive, whimsical) mood.”

a priority group. com website (no spaces) on the disorder reads: “Living with emotionally unstable personality disorder (EUPD) brings many complications. If left untreated, it can seem like you’ve lost all control of your thoughts, feelings and ability to manage your responsibilities. The emotional highs and lows can be difficult and you may often feel isolated, finding it difficult to connect with people. If you are struggling to cope with these symptoms, we can help you to manage their impact on your life… (EUPD) usually causes you to experience intense and fluctuating emotions, which can last for anywhere between a few hours and several days at a time. These emotions can range from extreme happiness, euphoria and self-belief, to crushing feelings of sadness and worthlessness… Signs and symptoms of EUPD: .. Impulsivity, Mood swings, An overwhelming fear of abandonment, Extreme anxiety and irritability, Anger, Paranoia and being suspicious of other people, Feeling empty, hopeless and worthless… Dissociation (feeling as though you have lost touch with reality”. The website lists different types of therapies and treatments for the disorder.

In the American DSM-5, this disorder is known as Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD. Wikipedia on BPD reads: “The often intense emotions people with BPD experience can make it difficult for them to concentrate. They may also tend to dissociate, which can be thought of as an intense form of ‘zoning out’.. Evidence suggests that BPD and post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) may be related… Most researchers agree that a history of childhood trauma can be a contributing factor.. There is a strong correlation between child abuse, especially child sexual abuse, and development of BPD. Many individuals with BPD report a history of abuse and neglect as young children.. They also report a high incidence of incest… Caregivers were also reported to have failed to provide needed protection and t have neglected their child’s physical care. Parents of both sexes were typically reported to have withdrawn from the child emotionally and to have treated the child inconsistently… BPD emerges from the combination of an emotionally vulnerable child, and an invalidating environment.. Invalidating environments may include contexts where their emotions and needs are neglected, ridiculed, dismissed, or discouraged, or may include contexts of trauma and abuse”.

My final note on this post: if you could get a professional health practitioner, a psychiatrist or a psychotherapist, to see you and evaluate you for EUPD or its equivalent BPD, it may be a starting point in your healing process. This personality disorder is treatable. I know it is so because I was diagnosed with BPD in 2011. I know the torture and turmoil of the emotional experience. I healed enough to no longer fit the diagnosis.

More: as a child you were abused and you were not responsible for the abuse you suffered; as an adult you sometimes abuse others, but you hold the abused responsible for it. March 2019, regarding the blind man: “He started telling people I was mentally unstable and I was but because he was driving me to it.. he chose to pick at me and wanted a reaction from me, yes to explode”- It is common for a person who explodes at another to claim: you drove me to it! you wanted a reaction from me!

You wrote in May 2019: “I talked about people, judged people, and expected so much from people and probably shamed them. All unintentionally“- this is you not taking responsibility as an adult for shaming people. Similar to you not taking responsibility for angrily exploding and abusing the blind guy.

May 2019: “I was shamed..!! I know I have shamed them by holding them accountable for their behavior but I did not deserve these accusations… it is so unfair!!!”- you hold others accountable for their actions, but you are not willing to be held accountable for your own actions, not seeing that as an adult you sometimes d abuse others: “why do I deserve this? I have been so good to people” (May 31, 2020).

Back to my recommendation: see a health professional so to be evaluated and receive the treatment that is appropriate and specific to you.

I will post again in about 16 hours with final thoughts at this point (unless you let me know that you prefer that I don’t).

anita

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