Dear Oleks:

You are welcome. Healing starts with Accepting Reality and because you are accepting reality, you are on the healing path. Hoping for reality to be different than it is, with little to no basis in reality, keeps people stuck in suffering. So, I agree that you “shouldn’t hope at all” in regard to this man. As time goes on, you will feel better, then sad again, then better.. and over time, you will overcome your sadness about this.

“it is sad if he knew but still started this relationship”- too often it happens that men from arranged-marriage cultures (India and Pakistan are the top two countries that currently practice arranged marriages) have relationships, sometimes for years, with women that they know they will not marry, while the women hope for marriage all along. It is wise for a woman who considers a relationship with a man from an arranged-marriage culture to find out right away if his parents are likely to approve of her, or not- before investing her time and love.

You mentioned that he is Pakistani, that you met him and dated him in the UK, and that he may marry his cousin. Here is an interesting statistic from https: // 2 date for love. com/ arranged marriage statistics (no spaces):  “55% of UK couples with Pakistani origins are in cousin marriages”.

Another website, https: // sekho. com. pk. pakistan/ arranged marriage in pakistan (no spaces) reads: “According to the culture in Pakistan, it is not only the union between husband and wife, (it) is a union of two families… the bride and groom are selected by a third party which is mostly their parents rather than by each other,.. Arrange marriage has been the most important part of Pakistani culture. These marriages are mostly arranged within their community and ethnic group. It can also be within the family which is known as cousin marriage…

“Arrange marriages is further categorized as semi-arranged marriages and complete arrange marriages. Semi-arranged marriages are in which final decision is of potential bride & groom but in complete arrange marriages is in which final decision is of parents.. A research in 2003 in success ratio of complete arranged marriages, semi-arrange marriages and completely love marriages was conducted. The results showed that the success ratio of completely arrange marriage was 77% and semi-arrange marriage were 89% successful and love marriages are only 60% successful”.

You wrote: “He said they want him to pay off for what they did to him.. I personally think that it’s too high price for what they did, as parents do it because they love. In his case they do it t have power”- lots of parents are motivated by having power over their children (as minor-age children and as adult-children), and not by love, not only in arranged-marriage cultures.

But notice, that arranged marriages in Pakistan are more successful than love marriages. I don’t know how that survey defined success, but if success included asking married people if they are satisfied or happy with their arranged marriages- then most people indicated that they are.

It seems to me that the extended family unit is so important in Pakistan that it is very difficult for an adult person to feel okay when disapproved by the extended family. Therefore, for a man, to be approved by his extended family takes precedence over choosing a wife.

“Have good and bad thought all time. Love, nostalgia and disappointment from their culture and the whole situation”- like I mentioned above, it will take time for you to overcome the sadness, and it will take time to overcome the disappointment. Learn from your experience best you can so to make better choices for yourself in the future. Feel free to post again anytime.

anita