Hi Anita, thank you again for your insightful thoughts. You always seem to shed light to the dark areas.

I have been thinking a lot about why he rejects the commitment, and I do agree that it seems to be a lack of self esteem on his part and the belief that perhaps if he lets me in that I will abandon/reject him. I do wonder about his past and if he was ever cheated on. He still has not disclosed anything about prior relationships, but has opened up in other ways slightly.

I still don’t think he is actively dating, yet he may still be on the apps. I wouldn’t know. I am however, not. If there comes a day where he tells me he has formed a relationship with someone else, I have told myself that that will be my sign that there is another love for me.

It’s strange. The way he has weaved himself into my life. The way he cares about insignificant things. The last time he came over he made a list of things he needs to bring me for my home, just to make my life easier. A mailbox because mine broke, some water filters, and he wants to fix a lamp I have in the living room, but don’t intend to keep. I know this is typical male behaviour, but he just seems to keep trying. He also told me that I have gotten better looking since we’ve met. My friend told me that it’s a strange thing for him to say, and she took it to mean that he’s falling for me. I thought it was a weird compliment.

I will be going to his family’s house for Christmas Eve, which isn’t that strange because he still pretends that we’re together in front of them. But I invited him to my mom’s for Christmas Day, which was an invitation I thought he would reject. He actually told me he’d like to come. It’s rather odd, as he has not seen my mom since last Christmas and not since we broke up last January. He’s sort of walking into a ring of fire, even though my mom is not confrontational. It’s strange that with no intention to want to be with me, that he wants to spend part of the holidays with my family, after everything. And I made it clear that he could just stay home with his family and I would understand.

I also recently had a bit of a pregnancy scare, and he reacted rather well. He just said it would be my decision and he would support me. Now when my period is a bit late, he says “oh do we have one on the way”… He said the only thing that scares him about it, is that he doesn’t know how to talk to babies.

But I dare not ask questions. I still feel extremely connected to him and even more so after all of this time. The more I look back on our story, the more fated it seems. I remember how I felt before I even met him. I just saw his picture and I thought “that’s my one”. Everything else that came after was just so natural. I’ve never had a first date where I felt like I was high after. Where I felt so calm and incredibly excited at the same time. And his words on that day matched mine. We both felt it, we both talked about the future and things we would do, people we wanted each other to meet. My friends still ask if I can deal with being with him, but giving up a life of being together, living together, possibly having a family. I don’t feel like I’m giving anything up if it’s really meant to be. And it’s hard not to enjoy every moment we spend together, even without any clear direction. I just feel like I had no say in when I met him, how I would feel about him. I feel like the wind has carried us this far, it’s bound to carry us the rest of the way.

If there comes a time where I no longer feel for him what I do, or I feel that he wants to let go, I will let us do so. Because there is nothing to hold on to except fear of losing. Something that is truly yours cannot be lost. If you need to hold on to it, you’re grasping and it will be manipulated into something that isn’t true. I just feel like when I met him he was there all along, so it’s hard to picture a time where I won’t carry him in my heart.