It all makes sense, you make excellent observations. I’m appalled. I will try to learn how I can create empathy towards myself. But I have to tell you about a recent thing we’ve experienced. You know I get scared of losing this boyfriend and he is scared as well. But the other day, he wanted to end things. He wanted that because he realized what he started to become and didn’t like it. He doesn’t like the fact that he’s harming me, himself, physical objects as well. He doesn’t want the blame that comes with those behaviors. So he wanted to make it stop. Although, he wanted to still be by my side to help me, in order not to abandon me. Then I cried a lot, I was starting to feel that we could be separate for a while and that might feel good for a change. But that hit hard. I basically felt like a little kid. Even if he says that he won’t abandon, stay as a good friend, that’s not enough for me to stay calm/okay. I was abandoned before, several times, both by parents and partners. I thought I would get used to be alone or be stronger by time. But I don’t feel like it. So, after work, he made that talk and I cried a lot. He couldn’t help himself so he was there with me. However, he changed his mind on that night. The other day, was like any other day. I’m starting to feel like he’s only changing his mind because he doesn’t want me to feel bad. He might be postponing or he could have changed his mind, really. I’ve asked that a lot by the way, I’ve told him this doubt of me. He doesn’t agree. That’s all.

I remember a post that I shared here, saying that I don’t ever feel like doing anything if I don’t feel loved. I don’t remember focusing on school ever, during middle school. I feel like that was the reason why. I remember just one day that I felt okay to actually listen and focus on classes. Other than that, I was distracted, didn’t feel like doing anything. That was the case everytime I was abandoned again. And I don’t feel like I would be able to handle that state if that happens again. Maybe a delusion, but feels right to me. Never seen the opposite.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by Arden.