I don’t know what I’ll do. I don’t feel the strength to do anything. I don’t want to come here and complain about stuff and don’t do the things you suggest me to do. He feels guilty, he doesn’t know what to do. He just wants to support me and do whatever I want. All I can want is to finish work today, go home, lay in bed and cry. He waited till I was asleep yesterday. It cost him a lot of time, but I realized something. I recall not being able to sleep in the past. My mom used to try to put me to sleep, wait till I seem asleep and then go mind her business, either smoking and thinking at the balcony or doing whatever she was doing. And this was a never ending cycle. Her thinking that I’m finally asleep, going to the kitchen to smoke cigarettes and then I suddenly wake up and realize she’s not there. So I immediately think that she’s left again. After I find her at the kitchen, I try to express my worries and she tries to put me to sleep again. And this repeats n repeats. I knew I had some sort of problem about being abandoned by it’s more clear now. And in every relationship I had, both romantic or not, I have never felt safe. After the tiniest amount of emptiness, I’ve always thought ‘there you go’. People tend to need that break in the kitchen or balcony, but I couldn’t understand that.

Although, with him, I was able to feel safe. He achieved that, I don’t know why. He is very sincere about his communication, that’s why he expresses every thought. Even the flirting stuff he wanted, he told me and wanted to be honest. Maybe I would be better if he lied. But he has seen somebody yesterday. I told him (before) that ‘I cannot say you not to do something, but this is how I feel about it, and it makes me feel bad.’ So he thought he needed to do that, try that. And gave me chances to say ‘don’t do it’. But I didn’t. So he tried, talked her like a friend. But the flirting part was insincere, he says. He pushed himself to do one thing that contradicted with me and didn’t want to feel like he was not doing anything for himself. He wanted to feel selfish, I guess. But now, he regrets. And I regret that I didn’t say ‘don’t do it’. He says that even I were to forgive him, he won’t be able to do that. But he wants to try, try to be happy with me again. It has been one of the hardest days of 2020. It has been a really hard year. I feel weak, too weak to plan something. I can only try to continue stay alive.