Dear Tony:

Thank you for being a volunteer paramedic. I am not there to perhaps personally benefit from your volunteer work, but I appreciate the work you do to help other people who personally benefit from your volunteer work. Thank you!

“I completely lose all logic and rational thinking and I sink into a spiraling negative thinking and prediction line of thought every time a family member is remotely unwell…  It started with my mother.. I completely lost myself. I freaked out. I panicked”- it’s because the one who panicked is the child in you, afraid to lose his mother, afraid of being left alone,  unfed, unsheltered, unprotected and therefore…  left to die.

As we age, we remain the children that we were because physiologically, we shed our skin, but we don’t shed our  brains- the neurons of our brain remember and re-experienced our childhood.

“My wife very recently had a swollen lymph node.. I completely broke down. I cried and cried and couldn’t sleep.. and my head fills images of a world without her… I perhaps fear the loss of a loved one… the death of a loved one, even just the thought, completely crushes me. I tear up as I write this sentence”-

– attachment to Mother => attachment to Wife.

What to do with the fear, Tony, the fear that we  share-  the fear of losing the ones we love, being left alone; how does one accept the certainty of death of everyone we know and of ourselves?

I will be back to the computer in about 11 hours from now.

anita