Wow, Danny @Dannydan!

I honestly have no idea how you could have screwed with B in the first place! You seem to be so self-aware and insightful! Don’t worry about the bro code because what you wrote about players and manipulators is exactly what I had read in a self-help book written by a man with the intention of educating women on typical male psychology and then the same in an online blog and once again reconfirmed in numerous posts and replies to them here on Tiny Buddha and elsewhere. It is helpful, however, to see the confirmation made not by a male psychologist, but by a real-life man.

I have tried to look back at the men I have interacted with, albeit briefly, in the past five years since my breakup with A.

–           Six men 60+. They say love knows no age, and I believe that some of men had a mix of grandfather feelings for me added to it. One guy says in jest that he will be in trouble because he has a girlfriend, another one keeps sending me video and song links. It has been two years!!! Nothing inappropriate, just a weird feeling of a grandfather going through a ridiculous mating ritual around me.

–           Seven men who expressed a clear intention of dating me. Two were mentioned in my previous post with their advances. Another one I went to a coffee date with. He threw me off completely by giving me flowers and saying that since he had brought flowers, why don’t I go ahead and pay for that cup of coffee myself. I had felt aversion for him from the start, so after that date no more dates with men whom I couldn’t stand beforehand. And there were four more having seemingly serious intentions! My mother also suggested I gave them a try because you never know. She said she hadn’t paid attention to my father’s courtship at first. I retorted that she had been neutral towards my father whereas I couldn’t stand those guys at some deep physical level.

Also none of those with whom I had a cup of coffee or a light meal were eager to pay for me. Not that I expect it (I either suggest an informal cup of coffee when asked where shall we go or choose a dish I can pay for myself if the place is not of my choosing), but it is always nice to be wined and dined. With them, it seems like they didn’t even want to do the quid pro quo thing. It was something like, “Oh, she’s so independent and feminist [in the good sense of the world], even better, I might get what I want with no expense on my part. How cool!” Welcome to modern dating.

It is funny because men do pay for me. My male friends do and my male coworkers do, too. And with no hesitation, I don’t even have the time to pull my wallet out. Some of them earn less than I do and they know it, but they still pay.

–           You suggested I approached men myself. I did several times. And just ten minutes into the conversation, I realised that I wasn’t really interested in them. I was briefly attracted by their looks, but no lasting interest at all. Thankfully, one wasn’t interested either, but the other one reached out a few times, and I had a bad conscience for sort of leading him on.

–           There were a couple of guys who approached me, but when I started showing interest in them, pulled back. I even cried when I couldn’t attend a party where one of them was supposed to be. But the infatuation was short-lived. Also, I didn’t take more concrete steps because I couldn’t decide whether I could go out with a bald guy. Ultimately, I decided that I didn’t like him that much if his baldness was a problem for me, so it wouldn’t be fair to show interest. However, I did cry because of that party. How strange…

–           Similar infatuations with six guys. But these were all married, and it was short-lived, they never occupied my thoughts for a long time.

–           Three or four times after several months of being happy on my own and not fantacising about anyone, I had an instant crush on somebody with whom I was in the same time and space for about half a day. A light cloud of dizzy happiness dissipated quite soon.

–           A couple of infatuations with somebody whom I could see right away were narcs. Again, short-lived plus active successful action on my part to switch my attention to somebody else.

–           Finally, I had a crush lasting half a year on a manager 25+ years older than me and who adored his wife. I only state it separately because it lasted so long. It was an instant crush, too.

–           And there is one more guy 25+ years older than me at work. All ladies are charmed by him and flirt with him, but he has had two unsuccessful marriages and openly states that he is a confirmed bachelor and won’t be moved. It is of interest that when I imagined being with him and compared my fantasies of being with him to all the other crushes including B (!), this guy won. Maybe I need to wait a dozen more years? 😉

Also, when I examined my light feelings for the guys from those groups that I liked above, I realised that I liked this one and that one. I couldn’t really pinpoint somebody who would stand out (except for that confirmed bachelor man). Does that mean that I didn’t really like any of them? Or was it more a testimony to the fact that everyone is compatible with pretty much anybody, the trick is to make a choice and stick to it? But there definitely should be such feelings that make somebody stand out, at least during the infatuation phase, not A, B and C – all are good, worthy, so anyone goes!

I had approached one more guy in the past, before B and even A. He started playing games with me. Presumably because he thought I was so in love and he could twist me around his little finger.

I think I could add B and the guy between A and B whom I met travelling here. I explicitly expressed my interest in B. And I did write a letter to a guy whom I met when travelling. I had to leave his city the day after a very romantic date that he had organised. (No red flags like with the ones above on coffee dates on the date itself, and we talked well into the night.) I don’t know if poor communication, a line here and a line there but nothing substantial is the result of thinking that I am already done for and there is no need to show up. Actually, that guy from my travels wrote a Hi, how are you? too two years (!!!) after going MIA. To that I didn’t answer. Even though I did like him immensely. Wow, what a year that was – A, then this guy, then B. And now five years and nothing to write home about.

I did answer to B because it was formally a job offer, because we had interacted for a much longer time, because there were no promises made, we were ‘friends,’ because he was still in the area and because I was curious whether he had grown and whether it was his attempt to reconnect for real. Well, not this time.

Also, I try to treat guys as friends at the beginning. (I wonder btw if many guys state their romantic intentions openly from the start? I think it all begins with “It is good to have many friends, let’s be friends” right?) So if they don’t do something what I would expect them to do, I can’t really say anything. (My girlfriends can lie low for a month, but then they are back in touch and I don’t feel like something is missing.) At the same time, no matter how many times I tell myself that “we are just friends,” if I like the guy, the falling for process is already brewing. Besides, am I not supposed to be supportive and understanding and not a b****? It is all very good, but as time passes, I find myself already on the hook and in love. And of course, 8 times out of 10, the guy is playing games. The other 1, he genuinely behaves like a friend because he isn’t in love. And one more 1, life can throw up problems sometimes, there is no denying that.

Then you get that natural urge for companionship but go into turbo mode and panic thus your insecurities cause you to act needy – but when one is in love, doesn’t one want to be with one’s loved one 27/7, doesn’t one think about the object of one’s passion all the time? There are even tests that allow one to check whether one is in love or in for a short-term fling.

If you are genuinely happy and content then you’ll believe; when it’s meant to be,it will be. You’ll invest in yourself and other aspects of your life but still be open to the right guy coming along and adding happiness. – I agree in principle. But then I read Kkasxo’s story, and she writes that she was perfectly happy and not needing anyone when Mr A came along and messed her up.

So perhaps it’s that you are extreme- all or nothing – that rings very true. I have decided long ago that if I can’t have a fairy-tale wedding, I’ll be perfectly fine with just the two of us registering marriage in the civil office.

So yes, I believe that I am analysing B’s behaviour because of all those levels I thought we had clicked at and because, as you can see, he was the only one with whom it was really going back and forth and lasted for a long time since A. He is not the only one I am really interested in, but he is the only one of the few with whom it was somewhat mutual – let’s put it this way. He is also one of the few who is an eligible match age-wise and education-wise. I also believe that putting that final touch on my analysis here with you will help me to take my mind off him for good.

Oh, there is one more facet to the whole B thing. After he ghosted me, our paths did cross several times at work and at parties. Every single time he wouldn’t take his eyes off me even when talking to other people. He would hang around as if not wishing to leave before I did. His presence around me was so heavy in the air that I would give my hand that he would phone me or text me afterwards. Glad that I didn’t give my hand because I would have lost it. Though once he did text, “Are you still there?” I answered, “No, going home.” And nothing. If I unearth it, it is probably wounded self-love, something like, “If I was so wrong about B, how can you expect me to be right about anything?” And yet, I have been right about so many guys, including some that my girlfriends dated. I would have never gone out with some of them, and sure enough, it didn’t last for them.

After all these descriptions of the guys I talked to and have been attracted to, do you still think I have a closed-off mindset? A few times I first realised that I liked a man and only then started wondering what it was that made me like him. Oh, I forgot to add that I really like a 15-year old boy with whom I play tennis now and then. No worries, I have no intention of becoming a Madame Macron, but if I were 15, I would definitely be very attracted to him.