Dear Anita,

yes, that’s probably right. I probably did have self-esteem issues already at the time. And I also think it’s connected to the bullying..

The bullying started right in my first grade. Two of the most popular girls decided to pick me for a target; one of them was my neighbor. I was shy and a goody-goody. They turned everyone against me and I think what scarred me the most was the fact that I did nothing for them to bully me. They called me ugly, gave me a nickname, mocked my hair (which was beautiful, long and thick), mocked my school supplies, my clothes. The bullying went on for years, all throughout primary school and high school. But it’s the type of bullying that changed. My neighbor was the one that manipulated me all those years, followed me when I tried to avoid her, and threw insults at me. She once told me, I think it must have been right in sixth grade that all boys like her and that I will never have what she has to attract boys. I became friends with her at the end of primary school because I was so used to being treated badly all the time that I took any good treatment that I could get, even if it was periodical. Also, being friends with her seemed like the lesser evil because whenever I tried to stand up to her, all hell would break loose. She was very spiteful. After we became friends, she manipulated me until the end of high school. She was so nice to everyone else that no one would think twice about her being manipulative. All she talked about was boys and how many offers she has. Her moodiness made me so nervous to go to school – I never knew in what kind of a mood she would be. It was a gamble every morning… if she was in a bad mood, I would be the one she’d take it on. She was either extremely sweet or the complete opposite. I was naive and told her my insecurities and problems and I was afraid to stand up to her in fear she would use that against me. If I had only stood up to her early on and never became friends with her, I would spare myself so much pain and regret. This regret is eating me up inside and I don’t know how to handle it.