@Dannydan

You are a real godsend to me! B was between billy no mates or a lads lad, too. I remarked once that he gave the impression of being a very passionate man, he agreed and said that he could sense I was passionate, too. And he was a great listener. I poured out my grievances about A to him and he noted once that he had to set a couple of hours aside from work to read it. When we cuddled, he also mentioned that he didn’t mind my blabbering. I was very careful to check myself in time, but what had to come out, had to come out. Later on, when I felt him pulling away, I became very careful about how much I was saying, how much space I was giving him to say anything and how often I was initiating vs him initiating. I was even afraid at some point that I had tired him, but the way he looked at me, his blushing (he dark red, it was easy to see) when we accidentally met several times after he went MIA for the last time, him dropping that are you still here? a few times convinced me that that was not the reason. Also forwarding that job offer one year ago was like proof that he had no bad feelings associated with me.

I think I found it. It is not so much the physical parameters (I have no list with physical features that men must adhere to), it is the spark. Forgot to mention one episode. Recently at work, I have been wondering why one guy kept popping into my coworker and mine room after work. He would have some work-related remarks, so it was all very good and all. But my coworkers rotate, so it is not always the same person. Besides, he would come up when I was alone at a different work station. And he came up several times when I was with one of the managers. Then it dawned upon me that he found me attractive. Maybe even thought that he was about the only single guy in that department and I must be the only single lady, so it was the finger of Fate so to speak. And Danny, one can call him good-looking, he has two arms, two legs, a head, likes to go to national parks like I do – what else am I missing? True, he wears glasses, I am seldom attracted to bespectacled men, but there have been a couple whom I had really liked in the past. Well, I felt almost guilty that I couldn’t feel anything for him no matter how I tried or looked inside myself. Zero interest. (But at least no aversion as with some other guys.) And felt a huge relief when he announced that he was going on a long-term stint to another country. So you say that if he had asked me out, I should have said no? Or gone out just once to make sure I couldn’t ever feel anything for him?

It’s not inherently wrong to value physical/sexual attraction, just as long as you’re not letting that one preference dictate who you date alone. Sexual attraction is important in healthy relationships, intimacy and seeing your partner as a sexual being is what keeps partners passionate about one another. – I sincerely hope I don’t make it the only filter. This is also why I like to take my time after I notice that I like somebody. With some men, I know that what I am feeling is just sexual attraction, mating instinct, but we have nothing in common. With others, like with those guys whom I approached myself, the feeling vanishes into thin air after we start talking.

But I am glad that you agree that it is important. I remember reading in a book that men would never marry women who are repulsive to them whereas women make this mistake ever so often. And then the marriage becomes a sexless disaster burdened with guilt – “he is a good man, excellent father, does everything, etc. etc., but I don’t “feel” it. Please help!”

When I say content in my own skin, with A I placated a lot, I did things for her just to keep her. I was not 100% authentic. Even though I wasn’t consciously aware that she was about to betray me. Subconsciously I was reacting already, I would bend over backwards to cater to her and make her happy that same energy was not returned. – Exactly what it was for A and me. When the physicality was wearing off, I kept looking at him and reminding myself with what eyes I had looked at him at the beginning, that it was all still there. Kept following advice on how to rekindle passion, coming up with date ideas, telling myself that he was overworked, that I should be patient, make allowances here and there. But it appears that he was the first one to act on the inevitable end of the infatuation stage. And he found nothing better than to fall in love anew with somebody else. I went through all the stages of grief – DABDA – denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finally, acceptance. Note that these stages do not necessarily follow one another in the above order. Also, one can go through the same stage several times. Anger was the last one I felt. And a couple of times, too. Now I feel nothing. Completely numb regarding A.

Wow, you put it very wisely why they say that a relationship is like a cherry on top. Yes, you could do all that on your own, but it is so much more pleasant with that special one. I am more towards the child-free mentality, but I guess that I could change my mind if I meet the right man. But in any case, it is probably to my advantage that I don’t feel that proverbial clock ticking.

No worries about the 15-year old one. I don’t have any unwarranted fantasies about him and I only thought it was worth mentioning as proof that I a) don’t forget to look around; b) have an open mind, am not set on a check list appearance-wise or age-wise.

Online dating is an option, may suit you as you can filter out anyone you visually can’t see yourself with but you have to be on guard, many catfish and con artists lurk there. – that is exactly why I haven’t tried it yet. I am single, I am not immensely well-to-do, but I live comfortably withing my own means, can travel on a budget pretty much anywhere. I can very well see myself a victim of somebody charming his way into my life and then borrowing from me never to return.

But if you really want something you make an exception. You fight for it. The ladies on here all told me to leave ‘B’ to heal and move on. I knew deep down there was unfinished business, I wanted to be her exception, she was mine. She wanted me enough and allowed me to be. – I agree. The key difference here is that you are a man and B is a woman. I do feel awkward about pursuing a man.

However right now you are in a holding space. Unable to move forward. So why will you give him a further 6 months to play on your mind. – Well, this is true to an extent. Somehow, I still feel that it is too early for him to be in any relationship. He had such a turbulent 10-year divorce period from his wife, I really feel that one full year needs to have passed in which he knows that he is officially free. (And his wife, too. She finally put “single” as her marital status on FB.) As for myself, I would also like to know if my solemnly promising myself not to follow his life on his Twitter will have any impact.

But if I do contact him, how do you suggest I proceed? Here is his reply to me telling him he is special (“special” can mean different things, can’t it, “unique” being among them?), “Wow, NBC, I’m flattered. And sorry. And ugh. I’m sorry if I caused any problems. I have been a total mess in my life! And super busy. I’m with my son getting him ready for college now! Anyway, I’m still here. But the same old mess…”

This is a very good example of our off and on interaction after his final withdrawal. He would keep referring to the “old mess” (with his wife, who is no longer his wife) as if listing that as the reason why he doesn’t contact me, tell me that “he is here” as if letting me know that he is around for me and then adding that he is busy as if letting me know that he has no time for me.

After that job offer last year, he again wrote that he was “still here”, but super busy travelling two-thirds of the time. I took it as “don’t contact me, I have no time for you.” It was also of note that he sent it to my work email, not one of the two personal ones that he knew. Maybe I am wrong. I have a hard time trying not to see too much in these apparent contradictions in his messages, which were few and far between, I might add. And keep reminding myself that men say or write exactly what they meant to say or to write, no hidden meaning. If he writes that he is busy, he is busy. Full stop.

But I am really amazed at how effortlessly he re-entered my life! After that sorry answer of his, I didn’t contact him again. And then I get this email that goes, “Wanna be a financial advisor? See below. It was a cold call, so I figured I’d forward it to some friends of mine. How’s life?”

So given that I had already tried to find out why he had made me feel there was something more to our relationship than there was, do I really need to bug him again?

Or would it be better to follow my friend’s advice? She told me to use my female ingenuity. To contact him (I told her about that infatuation with the bald guy) and tell him that I had happened to get those two tickets to… cinema, theatre, opera, match – anything – and couldn’t find anyone to go with me. Though in the times of covid, this probably won’t work anyway.

I also feel that I need to talk to him in person. Zoom or Skype would be okay, too, but not email or text. Since with me, so much depends on the “feel” I get from the person, I’d like to know if I would still feel it now that it has been four years since I last saw him.

Should I just ask when it would be a good time for us to talk? And then tell him all about this?

Also, at one point, I asked him for advice on how to proceed with a man who had been hitting on me. One, I really needed male advice. Two, I thought I’d make him a little bit jealous and see his reaction. That was when he told me that he thought I was pretty and that he liked me.

So male-female attraction is definitely there. I just have no idea how to make him see that we could have so much fun together. I am not a great cook, but I can cook some things (one guy on a date told me outright, “If you want to get married, you really need to learn to cook.” How do you like that???), I always felt it would be cool to do something together in the kitchen. Quality time is definitely my love language, on par with the touch.

And one more thing. I was really spoilt by A courting me for a long time, guessing my every wish, following my body language, always being there for me.

B started sort of like that too. You know, when you chat, you have to go, keep dropping clues, but the other party chooses to ignore it and keeps sayings something just for the purpose of keeping you in longer? That was how it started originally, during the time when I was about to get (finally!) the definite, “I don’t want you any longer, I am in love with X” from my A”.  B even invited me to a party then, but on the very same day I had a corporate event I couldn’t miss. And then I was surprised that I didn’t hear from him for about two months. Then we had that chance encounter at work during which he was talking to my colleague and me, stalling us, looking at me all the time, after which I was 100% he would contact me. He didn’t then, but did text me in two weeks’ time after which it had been going on steady for about half a year. And then those on and off lines (Are you still around?) interspersed with chance encounters at work that I mentioned above.

I want to say that I know how persistent B can be when he is after what he wants. So given those definite invites somewhere in the autumn of 2015, it was such a disappointment when he wrote three or four times that “we need to talk” and I replied, “Sure, any time,” and it never amounted to anything in the spring of 2016. By then, thanks to him, I could already see myself with him and not with A. So yes, on the one hand, I didn’t appreciate him going MIA, but on the other, I am eternally grateful to him for having shifted my focus from A to himself. Imagine a humongous ocean liner slowly changing course from A (‘A’) to B (‘B’). By the time I finished turning, B was gone not to be seen for half a year again until a party at which he approached me himself and sat at my table right across from me.

Oh, and when we did meet in the autumn of 2015, the very first thing he said was “I am separated from my wife. And I don’t want to marry.” “Nice beginning,” I thought.

Anyway, I wouldn’t want to do all the work myself.

On the other hand, I believe I am in a much better mental place now. Not only can I take one more definite “No” (but was it or will it be definite?), I can also stop in time if I see that even after me making the first step, he still wants me to do all the work.