@NBC Given what you’ve said and the emphasis you place on a spark, if you are not feeling any initial attraction and are already repulsed, then in that situation I wouldn’t recommend forcing it.

Because you’re highly likely to manifest what you already feel – therefore will not consider him as a real serious prospect.

Personally I would give a person a chance because I have learned to prioritise getting to know someone on a non physical level. Sometimes love comes down to one of the most basic factors: proximity.

Seeing each other on a regular basis builds attraction. If after a handful of dates the chemistry or attraction is lacking, I’d be 100% upfront if I was still on the dating scene. I’d not say anything that wasn’t true to avoid the feeling of leading someone on. I.e. many men can feign attraction or love bomb “you’re so amazing/beautiful/unique” just to get in the woman’s pants or use her for a need – this is despicable behaviour.

You appear to know what you want but I’m interested to know have you ever dated someone you were not that attracted to and led them on because you felt bad for not trying?

Chemistry, physical/sexual attraction are important. However I have learned those sparks alone are not enough to sustain a romance in the long-term. Not everyone feels it immediately either and time can be the key.

You seem to have worked towards acceptance of A not reciprocating your feelings. However do you think there may still be a fear of being vulnerable and intimate again as a result of that relationship that’s why you fell for an unavailable guy – B?

If you choose online dating, you should set boundaries, not flaunt your assets. You can only be conned if you allow it. So never borrow or give something without real commitment and trust. Never do things to prove ‘love.’

I wouldn’t advise you to pursue a man. However I do advise you to get peace to that chapter with B, 5 years is far too long to be holding on and to be stalking his FB and twitter. It’s doing you more harm than good.

Do you think he’s definitely the one for you?

Really think about this. He is someone who had an emotional affair and cheated on his wife. He treated you as a crutch. Disappeared often and hasn’t taken any accountability and seeks sympathy by claiming to be a “mess”. He’s used this divorce as an excuse for his behaviour, he hasn’t stepped up so probably has undergone no growth. In Autumn you could find him in the exact space, unmoved you’ll have wasted more time.

I think us men see through your friend’s ideas. It is better to just be upfront and say I need to talk to you in person. In person, say what you feel, he can’t avoid your questions and you can better gauge his intentions.

And if he then realises he is available now and wants to pursue something. Let him do the work, you just be yourself.

If it’s a No again, you need to let go and accept he is not the one for you. You really do, if you’re still struggling see a therapist.

What he said to you in 2015 was a pre warning to avoid accountabilty if/when you fell for him. So if you went ahead knowing you would want more you have to take responsibility for being complicit because you chose to ignore the glaring red flag and warning signs indicating he was emotionally unavailable.

That doesn’t mean you deserve to be treated the way you did but you have to admit your own part. It’s part of maturing and learning to exert your self respect and worth.

Walking away. Putting yourself first instead is teaching consequences. It’s a language which works with men who push boundaries. Taking control by showing you respect yourself. It is what ‘B’ did. It made me respect her more.