Dear Suomilainen:

“We just finished reading a chapter of a book he wrote and I spent most of the time telling him how wonderful it is… He only wants to read his book. He never asks me how I’m doing and when I offer information about myself to him, he seems uninterested or bored. I feel empty. The conversations always revolve around him. Am I being selfish?”- no, you are not selfish, he is selfish. He is indeed self-absorbed and does not have room in his mind or heart- for you. Basically, you have been providing him with a service free of charge: reading from his book and telling him how wonderful it is.

“How do you tell if he’s  just self-absorbed or just truly wants me to get to know him through his writing?”- he is self-absorbed and he wants you to get to know him through his writing. But he doesn’t care to get to know you. The interest to know each other is one-sided,  like you wrote: “it’s not reciprocal”.

You expressed this one-sided, non-reciprocal situation very well: “The conversation ends with him happy and content but me feeling empty and feeling like I only serve a singular purpose”- that singular purpose is, like you wrote, to boost his ego, to admire him.

“He says he never asks because he doesn’t have to know anything about me right now, that we have the rest of your lives together to find out”- he doesn’t ask about you because he doesn’t care to know about you, he is not curious about you, and he doesn’t care that you need to tell him about you. He doesn’t care now and he is unlikely to care in a year from now or in ten years.

“Is he stringing me along? How do I approach this?”- this man is very self-centered, he disregards what you feel and what you need, he interacts with you because he needs you to admire him. Let’s say he is not stringing you along and he really intends to spend the rest of his life with you- that’s not a good thing for you! What’s good about you spending the rest of your life being disregarded, feeling empty and lonely, while providing a self-absorbed man with a free-of charge service (admiring him)?

I will answer your question in regard to how to approach this after you answer my question above.

anita