Dear Anita,

Thank you for the Christmas wishes! I apologize for the delay in replying, as I haven’t logged into TB in some time. I hope your Christmas was a joyous one.

I continue to hang out with my coworker friend at least weekly. We typically go out to dinner and have cooked for one another this month. Things were largely platonic, albeit it the occasional touch on the arm or back by the both of us. I did stay the night at her place—in her bed—about two weeks ago, but I did not instigate anything sexual out of respect for her (though we did hold each other a bit during the night). We had been drinking after dinner and I didn’t want to risk driving home, so she offered for me to stay.

I had planned a day trip this past holiday weekend to see some sights on the eastern part of the state. She suggested we get an Airbnb, which I did, and we ended up staying in a very cozy cabin. We had a few drinks as we relaxed for the night and moved to the hot tub outside on the covered porch as the snow fell. Again, out of respect for her, I did not pursue anything sexual, but I did kiss her. She hungrily reciprocated and we ended up kissing (or making out) several times that night and the next day. My hand was on her leg as we drove back, as she kept her hand on my arm or shoulder. It was all very sweet and romantic in a sense. She would often touch me before I would touch her, even though it felt that I initiated most of the kissing.

We had left a few things in my car as we unloaded on Monday night, so after a doctor’s appointment on Wednesday, I offered to drop her things off at home for her. (We still work from home due to Covid-19.) She said that would be great, so I stopped by after my lunchtime appointment. She was having a quite bad day, so we talked for a bit before I moved to leave. I gave her a warm embrace and then kissed her; however, while she did initially kiss me back, she pulled away and turned her head. I mumbled and apology and said something to the effect that, “We don’t have to kiss if you don’t want to.” To which she replied, “I don’t know what I want.” And with that I left and waited to see if she’d call/text.

She went on to text this later Wednesday night:

“You’re not the reason I’m in such a piss poor mood. I’m sorry if that affected you / if you got any of it. I really didn’t want to have you get any misplaced frustration or sadness or whatever it is I’m feeling. Whatever it is it’s all over the map and hard to nail down, but whatever it is, it’s not for you. I do know that. And thank you for being understanding.”

I just don’t know, Anita… I understand that she may not be emotionally ready for a relationship since she divorced last January. She did say that the first time we went out was the first time she’d gone out on a date since her divorce, and I do not believe she is dating anyone. And while she works a professional job with me during the day, she also works as a server on Friday and Saturday nights, so she does not really have time to date (at least that’s what she claims). I will usually stop there at the restaurant on Saturday nights to see her and to grab a beer and some dinner. There’s an obvious connection and chemistry between us but I know that our working together—eventually within the same office walls—causes her some worry. Perhaps the weekend away in the cabin allowed her to forget about life for a moment and she could relax and enjoy her time with me? She did say in the hot tub that she would not allow herself to have sex with me, as sex causes her to form an intense emotional connection and she isn’t ready for that. I replied that I didn’t intend to have sex with her, as our this was only the second time we’ve kissed. I just find the friendship/relationship more stressful now, as there is such a strong connection, but she appears fearful of it or wishes to remain unencumbered by a relationship.

I am still working to find another job and likely move away from here. While I do not do my nightly walks as much anymore due to the frigid weather, I do try to visit the gym a few times per week. I certainly need to work on the mindfulness exercises you had recommended, as the job and this solitary life here certainly feeds my anxiety. I just didn’t want this relationship with her to feed into it as well, but it feels like it is. Part of me wants to see where it goes, or if it grows deeper, but another part of me wants to walk away and try to remain just coworkers. After this past weekend, and her response on Wednesday, I just don’t know where I stand, since she clearly does not either.