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A date with a coworker felt like a bright spot in 2020 (and maybe it was)?

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  • This topic has 136 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 1 week ago by anita.
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  • #373311
    Ry
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you for the Christmas wishes! I apologize for the delay in replying, as I haven’t logged into TB in some time. I hope your Christmas was a joyous one.

    I continue to hang out with my coworker friend at least weekly. We typically go out to dinner and have cooked for one another this month. Things were largely platonic, albeit it the occasional touch on the arm or back by the both of us. I did stay the night at her place—in her bed—about two weeks ago, but I did not instigate anything sexual out of respect for her (though we did hold each other a bit during the night). We had been drinking after dinner and I didn’t want to risk driving home, so she offered for me to stay.

    I had planned a day trip this past holiday weekend to see some sights on the eastern part of the state. She suggested we get an Airbnb, which I did, and we ended up staying in a very cozy cabin. We had a few drinks as we relaxed for the night and moved to the hot tub outside on the covered porch as the snow fell. Again, out of respect for her, I did not pursue anything sexual, but I did kiss her. She hungrily reciprocated and we ended up kissing (or making out) several times that night and the next day. My hand was on her leg as we drove back, as she kept her hand on my arm or shoulder. It was all very sweet and romantic in a sense. She would often touch me before I would touch her, even though it felt that I initiated most of the kissing.

    We had left a few things in my car as we unloaded on Monday night, so after a doctor’s appointment on Wednesday, I offered to drop her things off at home for her. (We still work from home due to Covid-19.) She said that would be great, so I stopped by after my lunchtime appointment. She was having a quite bad day, so we talked for a bit before I moved to leave. I gave her a warm embrace and then kissed her; however, while she did initially kiss me back, she pulled away and turned her head. I mumbled and apology and said something to the effect that, “We don’t have to kiss if you don’t want to.” To which she replied, “I don’t know what I want.” And with that I left and waited to see if she’d call/text.

    She went on to text this later Wednesday night:

    “You’re not the reason I’m in such a piss poor mood. I’m sorry if that affected you / if you got any of it. I really didn’t want to have you get any misplaced frustration or sadness or whatever it is I’m feeling. Whatever it is it’s all over the map and hard to nail down, but whatever it is, it’s not for you. I do know that. And thank you for being understanding.”

    I just don’t know, Anita… I understand that she may not be emotionally ready for a relationship since she divorced last January. She did say that the first time we went out was the first time she’d gone out on a date since her divorce, and I do not believe she is dating anyone. And while she works a professional job with me during the day, she also works as a server on Friday and Saturday nights, so she does not really have time to date (at least that’s what she claims). I will usually stop there at the restaurant on Saturday nights to see her and to grab a beer and some dinner. There’s an obvious connection and chemistry between us but I know that our working together—eventually within the same office walls—causes her some worry. Perhaps the weekend away in the cabin allowed her to forget about life for a moment and she could relax and enjoy her time with me? She did say in the hot tub that she would not allow herself to have sex with me, as sex causes her to form an intense emotional connection and she isn’t ready for that. I replied that I didn’t intend to have sex with her, as our this was only the second time we’ve kissed. I just find the friendship/relationship more stressful now, as there is such a strong connection, but she appears fearful of it or wishes to remain unencumbered by a relationship.

    I am still working to find another job and likely move away from here. While I do not do my nightly walks as much anymore due to the frigid weather, I do try to visit the gym a few times per week. I certainly need to work on the mindfulness exercises you had recommended, as the job and this solitary life here certainly feeds my anxiety. I just didn’t want this relationship with her to feed into it as well, but it feels like it is. Part of me wants to see where it goes, or if it grows deeper, but another part of me wants to walk away and try to remain just coworkers. After this past weekend, and her response on Wednesday, I just don’t know where I stand, since she clearly does not either.

    #373312
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Ry:

    Good to read from you again! I will be able to read your whole recent post and reply in about 14 hours from now.

    anita

    #373356
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Ry:

    You shared yesterday, Jan 22, 2021: “I understand that she may not be emotionally ready for a relationship since she divorced last January… She did say in the hot tub that she would not allow herself to have sex with me, as sex causes her to form an intense emotional connection and she isn’t ready for that… I just find the friendship/ relationship more stressful now, as there is such a strong connection, but she appears fearful of it or wishes to remain unencumbered by a relationship. I am still working to find another job and likely move away from here… the job and this solitary life here certainly feeds my anxiety. I just didn’t want this relationship with her to feed into it as well, but it feels like it is. Part of me wants to see where it goes, or if it goes deeper, but another part of me wants to walk away and try to remain  just coworkers.. I  just don’t know where I stand, since she clearly does not either”

    Reading just the above, without the context of what you shared in your previous two threads, it reads like you know what you want but she does not, that you are ready to form and maintain an intense emotional connection with her, but she is not; that she is fearful of having a relationship, and you are not afraid, that she wishes to remain unencumbered by a relationship, and you are wishing to have a partners-in-life relationship with her.  And it reads like if she was ready to have a partners-in-life relationship with you, then part of you wouldn’t want to walk away (“part of me wants to walk away”), and you wouldn’t be looking to move away (“I am still working to.. move away from here”).

    In context with what you shared previously, you are not adequately ready to form and maintain an intense emotional connection with her.  You wrote yesterday: “Part of me wants to see where it goes.. but another part of me wants to walk away”- this is where you are not because of this woman and her current conflict- this is where you have been during your whole adult life, I believe. In other words, if this woman became ready and able to have a full relationship with you, part of you would want to walk away.

    In August 2020, you shared about your general state of emotional withdrawal in the context of relationships with women: “Emotional withdrawal- which affects my relationships.. I just remain flat”, “my practice at keeping my feelings and emotions at a distance”.

    When you were a child, this was not the case: you loved your “emotionally cool” mother, but she was.. cool toward you in return, so you finally emotionally withdrew from her, disconnected from her and from other people in your young life: you became flat, depressed and lonely. Fast forward, you desire a relationship on one hand, and on the other hand- you withdraw, you desire a deep and lasting connection, but you fear it and withdraw (with one exception, your ex’s toddler son: “my connection with her sweet son certainly helped to break my walls of disconnect and withdrawal”).

    You wrote back in August: “What the relationship with my ex taught me is how paramount it is to be open and vulnerable with a companion. That is something I simply must work on with my therapist, as I cannot continue to hurt women (by my coldness) and I do not want to end up alone in life. I enjoy and am much better when I have a companion in this world”- you will need to be more open and vulnerable with the current woman in your life, let her know that you are afraid of being open and vulnerable, afraid of forming and maintaining a strong emotional connection with another person..  that part of you wants to walk away.

    Imagine how devastated she would be if she finally wanted  you all the way, only to see you walking away.

    In September last year, you wrote: “I’ve certainly dealt with anger issues for much of my life- even as a child. Not anger that would manifest in violence but always there below the surface. There has always existed a frustration within me. A chronic feeling of being misunderstood or never feeling like I fit in”- this is your childhood experience that you keep re-experiencing as an adult. That anger and frustration is, I believe, what is behind you wanting to walk away from this woman now, and what would be behind you wanting to walk away from her even more if she becomes ready to have a full relationship with you.

    anita

     

    #373443
    Ry
    Participant

    Thank you for taking the time to reply yet again, Anita. I took some time to process what you wrote…

    I’m not sure if I wholly agree with your take. I do not feel that I would walk away if she became ready to have a full relationship with me. I worked with my counselor last year on building connections with people—to really let them in. My meeting my coworker happened at the culmination of that work. I’ve been open with her about my counseling, which I rarely did before, and explained that I try to be both open and vulnerable with her even though it is not easy for me.

    I tried to explain my one of my fears last weekend to her: I was worried that she would interpret my interest in her as desperation since I, like many others, spent most of 2020 in isolation. That I suddenly meet a beautiful and intelligent woman and jump in with both feet simply because she is there in front of me. Those are certainly qualities that deepen my interest in her, but I just feel this rare connection to her that I cannot explain. It’s both a comfort and a mystery.

    What I believe causes me to want to run is not so much the fear of “forming and maintaining a strong emotional connection with another person,” but rather I do not know if she wants to do the same with me. Perhaps that is a selfish, impatient approach or perhaps an emotional immaturity on my part. We have only known each other since mid-November and had that first “date” on Nov 24th, so conceivably I want things to move faster than they naturally should. We had such a great first “date” and we continue to spend time together as friends, but I wonder if she’ll ever open the curtain and let me see her on a deeper level? Perhaps our mini vacation last weekend permitted her to feel a bit more freedom. To allow her to cut loose and embrace intimacy and closeness with someone she trusts. And when we returned home and reality set in, she had to erect those walls again to keep herself safe.

    I was speaking with one of my best friends the other day and he said something insightful: In nearly all my previous relationships, while there was a mutual attraction and interest, it was always my partner that was more invested in seeing the long-term potential of the relationship. They pushed for more—a deeper connection—while I was comfortable with the companionship. In essence, they wanted me more than I wanted them. And now, with my coworker, the roles are reversed. I pine for her, while she is content in the present.

    She, like all of us, battles her own demons. She too attends counseling and sees it in a positive light as we all should. She was married for a few years and has only been divorced for a year now. Prior to that she dated someone for a few years who ended up addicted to meth and she left him. (That is par for the course here in this part of the country.) While she was married, she battled a type of anorexia that nearly killed her when her liver shut down. This February marks two years since she found the mental strength to begin eating normally and not working out so intensely. She just bought a pole to begin pole dance training, as she worried that moving too quickly back into exercise would cause her to regress and relapse, so she decided to do a fun exercise that she hadn’t before. Her father is a recover(ing/ed) alcoholic who hasn’t touched alcohol in 15 years. However, she drinks more than she should (in my humble opinion) and having a second job at a brewery doesn’t help matters. She was a smoker but has vaped for a few years now, which is not inherently any healthier but at least it smells better? So, she isn’t perfect but who is?

    Maybe her vices and struggles would eventually cause me to want to walk away. I have never smoked, only drink on occasion, and have never battled something like anorexia. Yet, there is something inherently intriguing about her that I cannot identify. Something I felt from the first time we hung out. She has always approached me with integrity. She is always kind and always made time to see me every week She never cancels a “date” at the last minute. So far, there’s never any drama or stress.

    Perhaps acceptance is what I need to work on? As my counselor said, maybe friendship is all this will ever be and that can be a great thing. The physical intimacy of kisses and touches may be a misstep on the road to a deeper friendship, which is difficult because there feels like such a mutual hunger and passion there. There also is the fear of asking for too much in the fear that it will cause this relationship to devolve into something even more casual and surface level. As I said, I want to know more of her and have a richer relationship with her, and the fears she may have keep her from allowing me to get close. While she has largely been an open book from the start, there are many chapters missing and I am curious to read them.

    #373445
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Ry:

    It will be a while before I am able to attentively read and reply to your recent post. I read the first few lines, and I agree: it is possible that you will not walk away from her if/ when she is ready for a full relationship with you. I based much of my recent reply to you on what you shared before you attended much of your recent therapy, and so, you are not the same person that you were before. From the beginning of your  current thread, I noticed that you “sounded” different from before.

    I will be back to your thread later, possibly as late as in 19 hours from now.

    anita

    #373480
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Ry:

    You are welcome.  On Jan 18, you described how well the not-yet defined relationship has been proceeding: the two of you spent time together at least weekly, going out to dinner and cooking for each other. You slept with her in her bed, the two of you holding each other during the night. You stayed At another time, you stayed together in an Airbnb cozy cabin, you kissed her and she “hungrily reciprocated”. The two of you then made out several times during that night and the next day. You drove back home with your hand on her leg, and her hand on your arm or shoulder.

    You wrote: “She would often touch me before I would touch her, even though I felt that I initiated most of the kissing”, and later, when you dropped her stuff at her place: “I gave her a warm embrace and kissed her; however, while she did initially kiss me back, she pulled away and turned her head. I mumbled an apology and said.. ‘We don’t have to kiss if you don’t want to'”.

    What I see here, Ry, is significant fear of rejection on your part, a fear that is behind your detailed attention to who initiated what and who touched whom where and when. This fear is behind your exaggerated emotional reaction to the one time when you embraced her and she pulled away. In reality, no woman is okay with being kissed or embraced at all times; sometimes she is not in the mood and she can’t help the automatic reaction of pulling away. She told you herself that the reason behind her pulling away was a “piss poor mood”.

    On Jan 18 and on Jan 24, you wrote: “Part of me wants to see where it goes, or if it grows deeper, but another part of me wants to walk away… What I believe causes me to want to run is not so much the fear of ‘forming and maintaining a strong emotional connection with another person,’ but rather I do not know if she wants to do the same with me“-right here is the significant fear of rejection: you are afraid that she doesn’t want you/ that she is or will reject you.

    I suppose you will not fear “forming and maintaining a strong emotional connection” with her if you knew for sure that she will never reject you in any way.

    “Perhaps that is a selfish, impatient approach… In nearly all my previous relationships.. it was always my partner that was more invested in seeing the long-term potential of the relationship.. And now.. the roles are reversed… Maybe her vices and struggles would eventually cause me to want to walk away”-

    – if this current woman becomes very invested in you as a long-term partner, you will still need to work on your significant fear of rejection/ on the part of you which, I believe, will still “want to walk away”. The therapy work you did recently (for how long and was the therapy terminated?) helped you, and I think that you need more of it.

    I think that you are building a case in support of walking away from her: “she dated someone .. who ended up addicted to meth.. she battled a type of anorexia…she drinks more than she should… has vaped for a few years now… Maybe her vices and struggles would eventually cause me to want to walk away”.

    In behind the impatience you mentioned, there may be some anger, anger that is preparing you to walk away from her.

    anita

     

    #373515
    Ry
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Again, that you for making and taking the time to reply. Just having the ability to write out these thoughts and get some real feedback is truly beneficial. Thank you for allowing me space to vent and for always giving such excellent counsel.

    First, I want to explain a bit of my “detailed attention to who initiated what and who touched whom where and when.” The intention with the detail was that it did not appear as though I was the one who initiated every physical interaction. While I initially kissed her on our first date, and the kiss in the cabin’s hot tub a week ago, I didn’t’ want it to read as though I was the aggressor in our physical contact. Aggressor may not be the right term but a better one escapes me. I felt it important that you or the other readers knew that she would often touch my leg or arm before I touched her, so it did not read so myopic.

    Also, I suppose that I wanted to paint a realistic—versus romanticized picture of her. Her ex being a meth addict. Her battle with anorexia, alcohol, and vaping. I did not intend to add any legitimacy to my thoughts of ending whatever type of relationship this was. When I saw her at work a year ago, with her beautiful eyes and smile, I did not think that I would see her again (if I did) until after we returned to the office—whenever that may be. It was storybook tale in a way of her transfer to my office and not knowing it was the girl I saw from a distance all those months before in the office. Obviously, we all have our flaws and vices, so I didn’t want to paint her as a Disney princess by leaving out part of what makes her who she is. I think she is beautiful, intelligent, empathic, passionate, introspective, outdoorsy, and so many other positive qualities. But I am sure there is a darkness or secrets that she may not ever reveal. That does not diminish my interest.

    I agree with you that a large part of my anxiety is a fear of rejection. Not so much that she would stop spending time with me, but more so that she doesn’t know if she wants the relationship to grow deeper and possibly blossom into something greater. However, I am leaving out a very important detail…

    When I relocated here to the Appalachian area of the United States last January, I was hoping for a better job opportunity. I knew that moving to a small town of about 30,000 people would be a significant change from the large city I lived near before. However, I hoped that the job would be a steppingstone and the area would grow on me. I worked to finish grad school and When the Covid pandemic hit in March, and we were all sent home to work, I spent a long year largely alone in my apartment. As I mentioned before, I worked on embracing my own company. Eventually I found a new counselor and returned to the gym again. The last few months of the year I truly felt like I made some progress. I made peace with the guilt and sadness I held for my ex (and I continue to stay in touch with her and her son on a weekly basis.) I also worked on applying for jobs outside of this area, which is diametrically opposed to what I worked on in counseling.

    Part of my work with my counselor was to work on mitigating my expectations and accepting things as they are. We also worked on being less nomadic and to find a spot to call “home” rather than seeking contentment in a new location or relationship. Unfortunately, I am not heeding my counselor’s guidance—both in work and in this relationship.

    This job is not at all what I thought it would be and I am quite unhappy and unfulfilled. I have applied for jobs both here in town within the agency in another office and in a few other cities around the country. I have had interviews with a few and had a second interview with one last week. And while I had an interview for a job here with this agency a few months ago, nothing became of it. So, a significant part of my stress is anticipating/expecting to get a job offer that takes me away from here. This could come in a few weeks or possibly later if the interviews do not go as well as I hope.

    With these possibilities creates the conundrum if this relationship has a future, and if so will it materialize before a possible/probable job offer, or if not, am I offered a job and then walk away from something possibly grand? While I discussed having interviews outside of this agency here back when we first started hanging out in mid-November, I have not spoken of the interviews to her, which may be unfair to her. Yet, I don’t want to poison or hinder something that may be there if there is a chance I am leaving.

    Obviously, this is something I would discuss with her if and when the time comes, but it just feels too early to do so. As she said last Wednesday, she does not yet know what she wants. There is a connection and attraction between the two that has been acted upon, but does she want more? Does she want to continue to peel away the layers and find a possible deeper connection? Yes, there is the fear of rejection, but I don’t foresee a complete rejection (especially if things never progress.) She does not strike me as a “friends with benefits” person, nor do I want that with her; however, I really do not want to spend our time together not really knowing if we’re just friends who hold each other and occasionally kiss. The undefined and uncertain, rather than a fear of rejection, feels like a greater weight on me.

    Before I wrap up, something else came to mind. “Acceptance” also includes accepting of her life here. She grew up in this area. Has friends and family here. Has been divorced for a year—after 3-years of marriage—and has worked with a counselor and on her own to better herself. I need to respect and cherish that. I don’t NEED to hear from her every day. Though I often do. She has always made time to see me when I’ve asked, even though I limit my “asks” to once a week. She has never cancelled and always enjoys my company and I hers. She needs space and time to navigate uncharted waters and I need to allow that.

    As she posted on her Facebook on Jan 1:

    I’m so thankful for everything 2020 has brought me – new connections, loss, success, more compassion, more patience, isolation, independence, introspection, tenderness, and Much more. A chapter of growth closed, and I open my eyes to the light of a new bud of my life… me. I will carry with me every part of me I found in 2020 and will continue to water, heal myself, gently feed the next and new pieces of me. Don’t forget to feed and water yourself and remember gardening is messy and difficult work, but it’s also rewarding. Thank you to all the people who touched me-for the experiments, for the lessons, for the laughter, and for the tears.

    I am enough. I am enough in all my forms. I am beautiful in my simplicity and educated through my mistakes. There is strength and courage in my tears and wisdom in my weakness. I come in many, ever-changing forms, all of which carry a part of me, all of which are worthy of love, respect, compassion, honor, and pride. I am just as tender, kind, and beautiful when the dishes are piled up, when I don’t even get dressed to go to the store, or when I can’t make myself get out to see friends. I am still intelligent, steady, and measured when I fall, when I am wrong, and when I feel the weight of 100 things at once paralyzing me. I am still accomplished, wise, and creative when I don’t make that deadline, haven’t written in weeks, or just want to drink wine and watch Netflix in bed. I am still a good mother when I don’t get that hike in and get my pup out to play. I am beautiful, kind, intelligent, thoughtful, empathetic, hardworking, humorous, and patient. I am enough. Always and forever.

    “’Well said,’ replied Candide, ‘but we must cultivate our own garden.’” – Voltaire

    #373516
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Ry:

    You are welcome and thank you for expressing your appreciation. I am not focused enough to read your whole recent post and reply, and I will do so in about 11 hours from now. I read just a bit of your recent post and these are my unbaked, unedited thoughts: she felt comfortable to sleep with you in her bed, holding each other.. and she kissed you hungrily in the hot tub.. this is very promising, in my mind. I don’t want you to move away from her and from the potential of what can develop next. You are special to her, seems to me, no less than she is special to you. My wishful thinking is that you and her will be together as partners for the rest of your lives, a romantic sentiment but.. according to what you shared, it can happen and I don’t want you to run away from this opportunity. Will be back to you.

    anita

    #373529
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Ry:

    Sometime in Aug-Sept 2020, before meeting this woman, you wrote about an ex-girlfriend: “I don’t think I wanted to partner with someone who dealt with unresolved issues“, and later: “I know that if I continue to put in the work on myself, any future (with the right, emotionally mature woman) will be that much better”.

    When you met the current woman in your life, what you saw first was “a girl across the floor.. slim, with beautiful eyes and a bright smile”, “She was.. refreshing after a year of solitude and a focus on improving myself”. Soon enough you learned that she too has unresolved issues: “She too attends counseling.. she battled a type of anorexia and nearly killed her… she drinks more than she should… vaped for a few years now… Maybe her vices and struggles would eventually cause me to want to walk away”- I think that her vices and struggles are very likely to cause you to walk away, and that the process of walking away is already in progress.

    In my recent post to you last evening, I was sitting by the fire, feeling romantic and optimistic, wanting a love story to play out for you and for her. I am more realistic today.

    You wrote last year, before you met this woman: “I continuously push women away who get close to me… I’ve certainly dealt with anger issues for much of my life.. There has always existed a frustration within me.. A chronic feeling of being misunderstood or never feeling like I fit in (That could play a part in why I keep trying different experiences. Wanting to find ‘my place’)”-

    – and indeed you are looking to relocate once again, another job, another place.. a fresh start. Congruent with this pattern, you are likely to move away as soon as you find a job far away, and the current woman is likely to be a fresh start gone stale and old.

    You shared last year: “my practice at keeping my feelings and emotions at a distance.. I cannot continue to hurt women (by my coldness) and I do not want to end up alone in life… my depression holds steady… I’ve certainly dealt with anger issues for much of my life”- – your anger is not loud or wild, it is a tame, quiet anger, but it is powerful nonetheless, keeping you alone in life.

    Maybe this quiet anger needs to be addressed.

    anita

    #373545
    Ry
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you for replying… I just got home from a “date” with her. We talked about things and she doesn’t see a longterm future with us. I’m tired and sad, and will write more tomorrow.

    Ryan

    #373547
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Ryan:

    I am so sorry to read what she told you. I was hoping for a better story, for a love story. She told you that she can’t see a long term future.. that’s quite a definitive statement. I was hoping for something better. I can understand you being tired and sad, I am sad too.

    anita

    #373558
    Ry
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Last night was a hot mess but in a good way. We went out for drinks and dinner and we were talking about self-esteem issues. Eventually I steered the conversation to us and if she saw a future with us. I feared what I thought was true, as she looked down at the table, and said that she didn’t see anything long-term with me. We chatted for about 45-mins, and I actually cried at times and she grabbed my hand a few times to hold it. (The drinks had tequila so that certainly made things tougher for me to conceal, which is a good thing.)

    I had a rather restless, sleepless night after I dropped her off, so I called her this morning before work. We chatted for about 30-minutes. I said that there is something about her that I rarely feel for another woman, but that I need to cut the strings that I was building towards something more. I said that want to be her friend, to which she expressed relief, but that it’s going to take time for me to adjust. I asked her if there was anything specific about me that caused her to know that I wasn’t a long-term partner. She said that there was nothing specific, but she just knew that I wasn’t a life partner for her. She had been married before for a few years and realized it after it was too late, and didn’t want to repeat that experience–even though they remain close friends.

    She did thank me for opening up and actually talking to her about this. She said that with her past experiences in relationships, her partner often does not react in a mature, respectful manner–which is what caused her some trepidation in approaching me about her feelings–and that she was relieved that we could talk like adults. She also said that our relationship helped her realize what she wants and deserves in a relationship: That there exist better caliber men in this world and that she needs to wait for me and not accept anything less.

    Does it still sting? Obviously. At the same time, I have been in her shoes so many times, so this allows me to empathize more with the women I often waited too long to tell them I did not see a future together. Also, it’s better that we talked now before either time went by and I became more frustrated with the relationship, or sex possibly happened, and this caused her to form an attachment that she regretted.

    And as I said before, while she is a beautiful person with a remarkably beautiful soul, who is wise beyond her years, there were red flags that I tried to ignore: The smoking/vaping, the excessive drinking, and whatever “rotten pieces” she said that she fears sharing with me. I took wanted a love story but this was not to be.

    #373562
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Ryan:

    You wrote: “She also said that… she needs to wait for me and not accept anything less”- the italicized was a Freudian slip, correct? She said that she needs to wait for a man as mature and honest as you…?

    Assuming this was a Freudian slip, and congruent with what you shared in your recent post, she feels quite sure about not being in a long term relationship/ partnership with you. I commend you for asking her the question you needed to be answered,  and for reacting to her answer the way you did. You’ve been very kind, respectful and gracious to her all along. She is fortunate to have had you in her life.

    Regarding the red flags and “rotten pieces”- that’s the plus side of the relationship not going forward: not having to deal with the rotten pieces (excessive drinking, vaping, anorexic symptoms… ?)

    anita

     

    #373564
    Ry
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Yes, it was a slip of the fingers.”That there exist better caliber men in this world and that she needs to wait for him and not accept anything less.”

    And, yes, she feels grateful to have met me, as it helped her to appreciate that there are more emotionally mature menu, and that she needs to wait to find one who can have a conversation about difficult topics without it regressing into a shouting match. Sadly, she isn’t sure if those type of men exist here. (I am merely a transplant to this area.)

    Finally, it is liberating to know what her heart feels (or does not feel). It took a great deal (and some alcohol) to have me ask her–when I feared what the answer would be–but better I know now rather than continue the dance.

    I’m working on an email to her to thank her and to let her know what a positive influence she has been to me these past few months. It isn’t a pleading email but more of a thank you.

    Ryan

    #373568
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Ryan:

    I understand the liberation from not knowing. I wish her truth was different, but it is what it is. I am glad that she was honest with you and didn’t .. dance around the truth. I am guessing that now there is nothing blocking you for planning on moving away from Appalachia.

    I wonder what part of the country you are hoping to move to. According to Dr. Fauci, the next six months will continue to be the same, in terms of the pandemic (or worse if the virus variants prove more deadly). Hopefully life will improve greatly next Fall/ winter.

    anita

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