Dear Ryan,

sorry for a late reply, I have been busy and had less time for Tiny Buddha.

I am glad you’ve arrived safely to your new destination. How did the appointment at the mental health clinic go?

The woman I left behind is dealing with the aftermath of my departure as best she could. She laments that should never have pushed for more knowing I was leaving and couldn’t offer more due to circumstances, to wishing I had not wasted her time believing we’d have a future. I tried to explain that I need to focus solely on myself and deal with the “emotional neglect” and difficulty forming attachments, and while she tried to be understanding, she is upset–to say the least. She regrets “every stupid day.” It’s hard to explain my feelings when love and emotions are involved, but she does not want to speak to me ever again.

Her reaction is quite normal – she is hurt and blaming both herself and you. She has the right to not want to speak with you again, so respect that…

I cannot do this to another woman, so I know that I must get help.

Well, yes, it’s good that you are aware of the pattern, so maybe next time you are attracted to someone (or they to you), you don’t rush into the relationship immediately. Try to be aware of your true needs (based on our conversation, one of your needs is not to feel lonely; another is to share your deepest thoughts and feelings with another person), and see how you can meet those needs without necessarily engaging in a romantic relationship.

I did enroll at a local gym here and signed up for a Meetup account. With any luck, I can make some friends soon…and be open with them.

Sounds good! Have you made some contacts already?

• This reply was modified 2 years, 2 months ago by Tee.

Dear Ryan,

However, I finally found someone and have my first appointment this afternoon.

Good to hear that! How did it go?

I have learned so much about myself and have given myself a year here to just focus on myself and counseling. I am optimistic that I can FINALLY make some real, positive change–especially when it comes to forming emotional attachments and being vulnerable.

I am rooting for you too! You did learn a lot about yourself, and based on what you’ve shared here, you’ve learned to be quite open and vulnerable too:

she has helped me to open up more than anyone has in some time. We’ve had some real “heart-to-hearts” these past few months, which has been therapeutic in a sense.

I can imagine it felt therapeutic, since you felt seen and could share emotionally, unlike with your mother. But there are still some blocks, and perhaps the fear of commitment (i.e. emotional attachment, as you called it), is one of those blocks. So, emotional sharing – YES, forming emotional attachment – NO. For now…

I too fully expected (and respected) my ex’s decision to no longer communicate; however, that only lasted a day or two. She texts nearly every day. She is extremely depressed and not sleeping, which I of course harbor guilt for.

Is she blaming you? You don’t need to feel guilty for her depression. She was depressed before she met you. She then formed an unhealthy attachment to you, seeing you as her “savior”. And now that you have left, she is depressed again and doesn’t want to do anything to feel better (like going to the gym, or seek therapy, or other things you suggested). Maybe she wants to stay in the victim mode, blaming you, or herself, or both.

She is trying to be supportive of my efforts to seriously improve my mental health, but she is not working to do the same for herself. I am trying to remain supportive of her, but grow frustrated as I feel both responsible and helpless. I’ve pleaded with her to find a counselor, go to the gym, or try going to bed earlier, but it all falls on deaf ears.

I understand you would like to help her feel better, but you aren’t responsible for her mental health. Unless she wants to help herself, you can’t do much about it. Please don’t blame yourself. You did leave her, but you aren’t responsible for her happiness. Can you see that?

I did sign up at a gym here and plan to start next week. I did find a “Circle of Friends” group on the Meetup website and will work to start socializing/making contacts soon.

Sounds great – wish you success!

I am very committed to making a real, substantial change in my mental health, and I do appreciate having the support of you and the TB community, Teak

You are very welcome, Ryan. I applaud your determination and commitment to get better and be able to enjoy life more fully.