Dear Ry:

You shared yesterday, Jan 22, 2021: “I understand that she may not be emotionally ready for a relationship since she divorced last January… She did say in the hot tub that she would not allow herself to have sex with me, as sex causes her to form an intense emotional connection and she isn’t ready for that… I just find the friendship/ relationship more stressful now, as there is such a strong connection, but she appears fearful of it or wishes to remain unencumbered by a relationship. I am still working to find another job and likely move away from here… the job and this solitary life here certainly feeds my anxiety. I just didn’t want this relationship with her to feed into it as well, but it feels like it is. Part of me wants to see where it goes, or if it goes deeper, but another part of me wants to walk away and try to remain  just coworkers.. I  just don’t know where I stand, since she clearly does not either”

Reading just the above, without the context of what you shared in your previous two threads, it reads like you know what you want but she does not, that you are ready to form and maintain an intense emotional connection with her, but she is not; that she is fearful of having a relationship, and you are not afraid, that she wishes to remain unencumbered by a relationship, and you are wishing to have a partners-in-life relationship with her.  And it reads like if she was ready to have a partners-in-life relationship with you, then part of you wouldn’t want to walk away (“part of me wants to walk away”), and you wouldn’t be looking to move away (“I am still working to.. move away from here”).

In context with what you shared previously, you are not adequately ready to form and maintain an intense emotional connection with her.  You wrote yesterday: “Part of me wants to see where it goes.. but another part of me wants to walk away”- this is where you are not because of this woman and her current conflict- this is where you have been during your whole adult life, I believe. In other words, if this woman became ready and able to have a full relationship with you, part of you would want to walk away.

In August 2020, you shared about your general state of emotional withdrawal in the context of relationships with women: “Emotional withdrawal- which affects my relationships.. I just remain flat”, “my practice at keeping my feelings and emotions at a distance”.

When you were a child, this was not the case: you loved your “emotionally cool” mother, but she was.. cool toward you in return, so you finally emotionally withdrew from her, disconnected from her and from other people in your young life: you became flat, depressed and lonely. Fast forward, you desire a relationship on one hand, and on the other hand- you withdraw, you desire a deep and lasting connection, but you fear it and withdraw (with one exception, your ex’s toddler son: “my connection with her sweet son certainly helped to break my walls of disconnect and withdrawal”).

You wrote back in August: “What the relationship with my ex taught me is how paramount it is to be open and vulnerable with a companion. That is something I simply must work on with my therapist, as I cannot continue to hurt women (by my coldness) and I do not want to end up alone in life. I enjoy and am much better when I have a companion in this world”- you will need to be more open and vulnerable with the current woman in your life, let her know that you are afraid of being open and vulnerable, afraid of forming and maintaining a strong emotional connection with another person..  that part of you wants to walk away.

Imagine how devastated she would be if she finally wanted  you all the way, only to see you walking away.

In September last year, you wrote: “I’ve certainly dealt with anger issues for much of my life- even as a child. Not anger that would manifest in violence but always there below the surface. There has always existed a frustration within me. A chronic feeling of being misunderstood or never feeling like I fit in”- this is your childhood experience that you keep re-experiencing as an adult. That anger and frustration is, I believe, what is behind you wanting to walk away from this woman now, and what would be behind you wanting to walk away from her even more if she becomes ready to have a full relationship with you.

anita