Thank you for taking the time to reply yet again, Anita. I took some time to process what you wrote…

I’m not sure if I wholly agree with your take. I do not feel that I would walk away if she became ready to have a full relationship with me. I worked with my counselor last year on building connections with people—to really let them in. My meeting my coworker happened at the culmination of that work. I’ve been open with her about my counseling, which I rarely did before, and explained that I try to be both open and vulnerable with her even though it is not easy for me.

I tried to explain my one of my fears last weekend to her: I was worried that she would interpret my interest in her as desperation since I, like many others, spent most of 2020 in isolation. That I suddenly meet a beautiful and intelligent woman and jump in with both feet simply because she is there in front of me. Those are certainly qualities that deepen my interest in her, but I just feel this rare connection to her that I cannot explain. It’s both a comfort and a mystery.

What I believe causes me to want to run is not so much the fear of “forming and maintaining a strong emotional connection with another person,” but rather I do not know if she wants to do the same with me. Perhaps that is a selfish, impatient approach or perhaps an emotional immaturity on my part. We have only known each other since mid-November and had that first “date” on Nov 24th, so conceivably I want things to move faster than they naturally should. We had such a great first “date” and we continue to spend time together as friends, but I wonder if she’ll ever open the curtain and let me see her on a deeper level? Perhaps our mini vacation last weekend permitted her to feel a bit more freedom. To allow her to cut loose and embrace intimacy and closeness with someone she trusts. And when we returned home and reality set in, she had to erect those walls again to keep herself safe.

I was speaking with one of my best friends the other day and he said something insightful: In nearly all my previous relationships, while there was a mutual attraction and interest, it was always my partner that was more invested in seeing the long-term potential of the relationship. They pushed for more—a deeper connection—while I was comfortable with the companionship. In essence, they wanted me more than I wanted them. And now, with my coworker, the roles are reversed. I pine for her, while she is content in the present.

She, like all of us, battles her own demons. She too attends counseling and sees it in a positive light as we all should. She was married for a few years and has only been divorced for a year now. Prior to that she dated someone for a few years who ended up addicted to meth and she left him. (That is par for the course here in this part of the country.) While she was married, she battled a type of anorexia that nearly killed her when her liver shut down. This February marks two years since she found the mental strength to begin eating normally and not working out so intensely. She just bought a pole to begin pole dance training, as she worried that moving too quickly back into exercise would cause her to regress and relapse, so she decided to do a fun exercise that she hadn’t before. Her father is a recover(ing/ed) alcoholic who hasn’t touched alcohol in 15 years. However, she drinks more than she should (in my humble opinion) and having a second job at a brewery doesn’t help matters. She was a smoker but has vaped for a few years now, which is not inherently any healthier but at least it smells better? So, she isn’t perfect but who is?

Maybe her vices and struggles would eventually cause me to want to walk away. I have never smoked, only drink on occasion, and have never battled something like anorexia. Yet, there is something inherently intriguing about her that I cannot identify. Something I felt from the first time we hung out. She has always approached me with integrity. She is always kind and always made time to see me every week She never cancels a “date” at the last minute. So far, there’s never any drama or stress.

Perhaps acceptance is what I need to work on? As my counselor said, maybe friendship is all this will ever be and that can be a great thing. The physical intimacy of kisses and touches may be a misstep on the road to a deeper friendship, which is difficult because there feels like such a mutual hunger and passion there. There also is the fear of asking for too much in the fear that it will cause this relationship to devolve into something even more casual and surface level. As I said, I want to know more of her and have a richer relationship with her, and the fears she may have keep her from allowing me to get close. While she has largely been an open book from the start, there are many chapters missing and I am curious to read them.