Dear Ry:

You are welcome.  On Jan 18, you described how well the not-yet defined relationship has been proceeding: the two of you spent time together at least weekly, going out to dinner and cooking for each other. You slept with her in her bed, the two of you holding each other during the night. You stayed At another time, you stayed together in an Airbnb cozy cabin, you kissed her and she “hungrily reciprocated”. The two of you then made out several times during that night and the next day. You drove back home with your hand on her leg, and her hand on your arm or shoulder.

You wrote: “She would often touch me before I would touch her, even though I felt that I initiated most of the kissing”, and later, when you dropped her stuff at her place: “I gave her a warm embrace and kissed her; however, while she did initially kiss me back, she pulled away and turned her head. I mumbled an apology and said.. ‘We don’t have to kiss if you don’t want to'”.

What I see here, Ry, is significant fear of rejection on your part, a fear that is behind your detailed attention to who initiated what and who touched whom where and when. This fear is behind your exaggerated emotional reaction to the one time when you embraced her and she pulled away. In reality, no woman is okay with being kissed or embraced at all times; sometimes she is not in the mood and she can’t help the automatic reaction of pulling away. She told you herself that the reason behind her pulling away was a “piss poor mood”.

On Jan 18 and on Jan 24, you wrote: “Part of me wants to see where it goes, or if it grows deeper, but another part of me wants to walk away… What I believe causes me to want to run is not so much the fear of ‘forming and maintaining a strong emotional connection with another person,’ but rather I do not know if she wants to do the same with me“-right here is the significant fear of rejection: you are afraid that she doesn’t want you/ that she is or will reject you.

I suppose you will not fear “forming and maintaining a strong emotional connection” with her if you knew for sure that she will never reject you in any way.

“Perhaps that is a selfish, impatient approach… In nearly all my previous relationships.. it was always my partner that was more invested in seeing the long-term potential of the relationship.. And now.. the roles are reversed… Maybe her vices and struggles would eventually cause me to want to walk away”-

– if this current woman becomes very invested in you as a long-term partner, you will still need to work on your significant fear of rejection/ on the part of you which, I believe, will still “want to walk away”. The therapy work you did recently (for how long and was the therapy terminated?) helped you, and I think that you need more of it.

I think that you are building a case in support of walking away from her: “she dated someone .. who ended up addicted to meth.. she battled a type of anorexia…she drinks more than she should… has vaped for a few years now… Maybe her vices and struggles would eventually cause me to want to walk away”.

In behind the impatience you mentioned, there may be some anger, anger that is preparing you to walk away from her.

anita