Hi Anita,

Thank you once again for your thoughtful response. I took your advice and recommendations and spoke with him about my fears of the prospect of settling down, about how just weeks before meeting him I was committed to moving to the new city and how now it seems my life has shifted completely in its trajectory in staying here now after meeting him. He told me that he also loves the new city and would be happy to move there with me in a year so, maybe less depending on his career.

I did try (albeit not very strongly) to suggest that maybe we take a little more time to get to know one another, but he seemed hurt and scared at this prospect and so I think I pulled back (on the pulling back!) and now I feel as though I have shifted from being with someone that makes me happy, to being with someone to make them happy. The people-pleaser in me seems to have come back in full swing, and I find myself more concerned about his well-being than my own. He is in a very precarious work situation working for quite unprofessional (in my opinion) and young co-founders. They seem to attack him and his choices even though he is their appointed CEO, and it seems like their values are not compatible with his. I worry that soon he will either lose his position or will have to leave as he has told me he no longer feels happy there.  I can’t stomach the thought of leaving him now, as he is very vulnerable and he has told me that he wants and needs me in his life, that I have become his rock and he loves me completely. He is so kind to me, helps me with my issues and stressors, and definitely adds to my life. He’s exceptionally organized and clean, very selfless with me, and very loving. He writes me sweet little notes for my lunch every day and cares for me in any way he can. He helped me purchase a new car (quite expensive, but he told me that I have worked so hard the last few years that I deserve to treat myself. I’m still not sure about this as it is a big expense and I’m not sure it’s the best choice financially, but I did love the car) and is helping me sell my old one. He is already working very hard to be a good partner to me, and in that aspect, I am happy with him.

All that being said, I still have concerns. The first being his employability and his financial situation. I’m worried that I may become the sole breadwinner, that the burden of financial responsibility will mostly fall on me. I worry that he is so sure and already so invested in me when I’m not sure I feel as strongly as he does. I seem to flip flop week to week, some weeks I feel completely head over heels for him, very attracted, and sometimes I have big doubts and find myself perseverating on his flaws. I am not sure now how to go backward or halt the pace of the relationship after I jumped in with both feet. For instance, this morning I shared with him some of my concerns, and later in the day when he came back to his place that I have been staying at most of the time to meet with his autobody repairman to look over my old car (we’re fixing it in order to sell it), he told me he almost broke down at work due to the pressor his bosses are putting on him, as well as the fear of potentially losing me.

I feel responsible for his wellbeing, which in turn I think triggers my phobias further. I think often about how just a month or so ago the only person I was responsible for was for myself and maybe my dog, and now it feels there is another. I worry that I’m not in touch with myself as much as I once was and I feel like I don’t trust myself in making decisions or even knowing how I feel about things and so I tend to outsource those decisions. A part of me longs to be able to run to the other city and start fresh, but I don’t know that I would really be happier there. It seems that I often have a strong case of the “grass is greener” mentality. When I am on my own and single, I long for a partner to spend time with and that can help me and I them in life, but then when I have that, I seem to miss the freedom and lack of responsibility for anyone else when I’m on my own. Or, perhaps it is not that and maybe I haven’t met the “right” person for me. I am really not sure, and to make matters worse, I feel the pressure of time and expectations of others to figure it out soon.

I apologize that I’ve rambled a bit on this post, but I wanted to share with you an update on how I’m feeling. I hope you’re doing well Anita!

L