Dear noname:

You are welcome. Keep meditating daily because it works for you, keep doing what works- even if it doesn’t work every single time. Healing in you is in progress: you don’t get that specific urge to self-harm anymore, well done, as the English say!

You wrote: “I just try to feel the pain to completion”- you don’t mean that you are aiming at feeling the pain or focusing on the pain, do you? When I experience pain or a difficult emotion my objective is to relax  and my focus is on relaxing (I don’t try to feel the pain or to not feel the pain). When I focus on my physical breathing, the pain/ emotion lessens.

“I don’t want to be alone.. this loneliness feels so unsolvable… I feel like there’s something you.. are trying to teach me”- I will now look at that recent study I did and find something there that may help in regard to understanding your alone-ness/ loneliness more: I wrote that your fear of separation from an object of attachment is extreme, that you desperately crave attachment (not wanting to be alone) and you terribly fear attachment (wanting to get away once attached). The terrible fear is about either losing your mind or your very life. In yet other words, what you need the most, you fear the most.

You wrote in August 2018: “I struggle with feeling safe vs. Feeling loved, the two feelings have never been simultaneously present within me”- meaning that when you feel loved/ attached/ connected- you feel unsafe/ in danger. No wonder you run away from attachment the moment after you experience it: attachment= danger. After you run away/ end a beginning relationship you probably feel a relief, but after some time, you get lonely and you crave attachment. It’s a catch 22: you can’t be okay alone for too long.. and you can’t be okay with a woman for too long: the moment there is any sign of rejection, it may be her not answering your text quickly, your fear takes over, then anger, then you end the very beginning relationship.

anita