Dear noname:

“I’m tired, I’m lonely, I feel like sh**, and really don’t have a good reason to keep trying anymore”- some of the ways you are trying are not working for you, no wonder you lose your motivation to keep trying. Without positive results, one loses motivation. I think that you need to evaluate the ways you’ve been trying, and start trying different ways.

“What I mean by digesting my emotions is like the opposite of what suppression was to me. Instead of pushing it down, I let it surface and be felt from beginning to its end… (like) ripping off a band-aid instead of slowly pulling it off. I just want to get the pain over with so I don’t fight it (suppress it) and let it run its course”-

– Your intent and strategy has been to express all the suppressed pain by crying and be done with that pain, have no more suppressed pain. But this strategy failed: you cried and cried for years and the suppressed pain is still there, hardly any of it has been released and resolved:

“I have been having at least two severe crying episodes per day usually before going to sleep and trying to get out of bed” (June 2017),  “I have been crying all night and morning” (July 2017), “I have random crying episodes that sneak up on me” (September 2017), “I’ve been crying in so much pain for the past couple hours” (October 2017)… “I have been crying alone for the past 3-4 hours.. with  no foreseeable end to the pain.. the pain is so much sometimes” (December 2019), …”I did my takes last night and fell to the floor crying… It was about 11:30 am yesterday and I had a crying episode.. I screamed, cried… I finally picked myself up off the floor about 11:50 and washed my face” (January 26 & 27, 2021).

Your intent in crying a lot at any one crying episode was to rip off the band-aid instead of slowly pulling it off, but seems like what you accomplished is to re-experience the suppressed pain, exhaust yourself (experiencing a temporary relief at best), but release/ resolve very little of the suppressed pain, if any.

anita