Dear noname:

So good to read that you came up with a plan to take back your power and get your life together, I am excited!!! My feedback:

1. “I need discernment with my pain”- It is a good idea to ask yourself when you are distressed regarding a particular situation: is there anything I need to do about this situation now or later? If the answer is Yes, Now- then do what needs to be done. If the answer is Yes, Later- then make a note of what to on a later hour or day, and move on to the next topic &/or rest. If the answer is No (there is nothing required of you to do now or later)- then aim at moving on to another topic &/or rest.

The re-experiencing of your trauma and expressing it through crying etc., did not lessen or resolve your trauma, so keep it in mind when you find yourself about to cry. I am not saying that you should try to not cry.. I am saying: remind yourself that crying etc. will not lessen or resolve your trauma and then.. cry or not, whatever feels right to you.

2. “I need to improve my self soothing”- Yes, improve your self soothing/ distress tolerance= emotion regulations skills, this part is absolutely necessary, do it every day and repeatedly.

3. “I need power over my monkey mind”- This is a continuation of #2: the more you are able to self sooth/ distract in healthy ways, tolerate distress= to regulate your emotions,  the less impulsive you will be and the more control you will have over your choices and behaviors. If you do not have a favorite meditation series that worked well  for you in the past, I recommend professor Mark Williams series of mindful guided meditations, free online, listen to one 2-3 times a day. If you feel an initial resistance, don’t give up, keep a routine of listening for a few weeks before giving up on it, if you give up on it.

4. “I need a girlfriend”- You wrote: “I need to drop the individualistic conditioning of my culture and acknowledge I am human with human needs.. I am a desirable partner… it’s now the fear of someone loving me”-

– (a) the issue for you is not a cultural conditioning, (b) you are already aware that you are human with human needs, (c) thinking and even feeling at times that you are a desirable partner will not lessen or resolve the fear when you find yourself in a beginning relationship, (d) the issue is not fear of someone loving you, it is the fear of depending on someone to love you and then, once relaxed and dependent on that person for love, being terribly rejected and abandoned.

What you have done was to rush into the experience of love with a woman, then get triggered by any perceived rejection, however minute, then escalate the distress and run away.

This will be your greatest challenge because here is your greatest fear. This is where your very early life trauma resides, the trauma of having been rejected/ abandoned by the person/s you loved deeply and completely. You will need a LOT of work on #2 and #3  to make #4 possible.

5. “I need to own my job”- Yes, do  what it takes to start your own practice once you are fully licensed.

anita