Dear Anita,

Yes, I too do not tolerate grey areas. This relationship has seemed to exist in that realm from the beginning and that has certainly caused me some anxiety.

It occurred to me why I had such a gut-wrenching reaction when she said that she didn’t see a long-term potential for us over dinner last week. I had a relationship with someone years ago when I was stationed in Texas, and my relationship with her closely mirrored the one with my coworker. She too was very attractive, young, and seemingly an old soul. She was a neighbor at my apartment, and we’d met at the pool (I believe) when myself and a few friends were enjoying a summer day. The group ended up in my apartment to watch a movie, and she and I held hands under the blanket. Like my coworkers, she too held some traumas close and never really let me in. Then, like now, I wanted a relationship, but we existed more as friends with benefits. And like my coworker, she also tended to drink more than I thought was normal. While we would have moments of intimacy–both sexual and non-sexual–she always kept those walls up and never really let me in. She would disappear for days at a time, only to resurface like it was no big deal.

Then, like now, I thought that I could be a good influence in her life. (I worked a bit on my “savior complex” in counseling last year. Or the “Superman” complex as a former my ex-girlfriend called it. “You don’t have to fix everything; just listen to me and let me vent,” she’d say.) She also had friends there and her family was close by, whom she was very close to. We would often hang out at their parents liked us. (I think her mom appreciated that she had friends who were in the military and seemed like genuine, good guys.) It was one of the better times in my life: I had a few close friends, and we had a largely carefree time outside of work.
Then, I met someone else and decided it was best to distance myself from her. While I love her, I grew weary of the relationship. The up and down and back and forth. She had moved out of the apartment complex and down the road to another by then, and we grew more distant as she grew more reclusive. I was out with the new girl one night, and when I returned I had a message from the other girl on my answering machine. I do not remember exactly what she said, but essentially she said that she missed me and wished she could talk to me. I didn’t call her back and figured I’d call her in a day or two.

The details are fuzzy and I’m not sure how I heard, but I received a call the next day that she was dead. A self-inflicted gunshot wound to the head. A suicide on her 20th birthday. I was gutted to say the least and wracked with guilt. “What if I called her back that night?” I thought. I kind of shut down after that. My new girlfriend was understanding and let me grieve. Unfortunately, the new girlfriend battled her own traumas, and I stayed with her for much long than I should have. (I, again, thought that I played a complimentary role in her life, and the sex exploratory and I experienced things I had not before.)

I think these experiences helped me to fortify my own walls. While I realized that loving someone isn’t enough if they do/will not let you in, I would not apply that knowledge in relationships. While I would love my partner, I never would truly let them know the real me. This somewhat explains why I am still without a long-term partner as I move towards my mid-40s.

While I stated that I see parallels to my coworker friend and the ex who committed suicide, I feel less like being her “Superman” than I would have in the past (thanks to counseling). She is quite accomplished and largely independent, and I feel that she fears entering a relationship with someone after emerging from two long-term relationship herself. (She was married for a few years until last year, and I believe dated her previous boyfriend for a few years before. Perhaps between was when she dated the guy who was recently arrested for drugs, but I am not certain.) I think she was looking after her own heart when she sent me that message before our second date, which I had previously posted I believe:

I have a lot of fun with you and I really enjoy the time I spend with you. Don’t get me wrong we definitely get along great and I do enjoy talking to you, but I’m just dipping my toes back into dating, and I’m just not really sure that dating a coworker is the best choice for me right now. I’m new to my career and if things don’t work out that never seems to go well when you have to work together after. I just wanted to tell you up front before feelings got more involved and too much time went by. I like you and I’d be happy to keep hanging out. It’ll just have to be as friends.

I am certainly curious to see if she felt that connection I feel towards her. I believe that she felt something but fear and logic won over her heart–to include the fear of telling her parents she was dating someone close in age to them. I’d like to have her define a causal friendship. While I certainly would not turn down a friends with benefits-type relationship, that is not truly a goal with her. While I enjoy our dinner dates and the time we spend together, I am certainly prepared to have this transition to a friendly coworker-type relationship. That would be a bit more difficult for me, as we never really had that from the start. I will just have to get some grey areas colored and accept them for what they may be. This will not be easy as I will pine for more but I’ll have to accept things as they are, or push back if things move back into the grey area again. And I also need to continue to work to find another job and relocate.

We have dinner here tomorrow night, so I will post here on Friday.

Again, thank you, Anita.

Ryan