Thank you for chiming in, Brandy. I appreciate it.

Yes, I’ve thought a a great deal about what to say to her–based on Anita’s feedback and my own ruminations. I like your approach as well and will probably take a mixed approach that integrated both you and Anita’s points.

I’ve grown more accustomed to the fact that there is not a romantic future for us. While the lines have blurred on occasion, which led to making out and holding each other, the fact is that she does not see me as a potential romantic partner. And, honestly, that is probably for the best. You’ve seen my conversation here with Anita: My coworker friend battled an eating disorder, has quite the nicotine addition and vapes often, tends to drink more than she should (and has a recovered alcoholic father), and recently became divorced through a mutual understanding that they were merely good friends. The smoking and drinking would have worn on me as time went on, and I would have grown frustrated (and felt guilty) in my attempts to change her. We may have had a lovely few months/years together, but there likely would not have been a lifelong love affair.

I know she is excited about dinner tonight, as she already messaged me, “I’m ready to be dazzled. Are you ready, master chef?” I would like to have a lovely, relaxing night with her, as I’m sure she is anticipating the same. However, the only burning question I have is what kind of casual friendship will we have? I have mentioned that I felt we really connected/clicked, and I’m curious if she felt the same. While I have enjoyed, and would continue to enjoy, our hanging out and dinner “dates,” I would like to know her better than just a work friend that I hang out with. Not in a romantic sense, but I’d hope she’d drop her walls a bit so I can know her better. Obviously, being coworkers adds a risky layer because feelings could/would get involved; however, I’m not seeking a romance. I feel that I am a positive and calming influence in her life and I would like to continue to be. I’m just not comfortable doing without knowing her better.

And I realize things are in flux. She is a coworkers and is single and attractive, and she will inevitably meet suitors, date, and possibly enter into a relationship. And I may do the same as well. Also, I am working to find another job that takes me away from here, so I am hopeful that I land something soon.

I want to me more than just some work friend she occasionally hangs out with, but I don’t know if she’s willing to take that leap. The unknowing, and knowing what I think she may say, certainly added to my anxiety. Yet, as Anita said, I need those grey areas colored.

Hello Anita and Brandy,

Well, last night went rather flawlessly. And I didn’t want to cause her any more stress with the day she had…

Yesterday afternoon, she had blood work and what I assume would be called a “Pap screen” to detect any cervical cancer. While she has had the HPV vaccine, her doctor has found evidence of precancerous cells in the past during her yearly exam, which necessitated more regular screenings. The had recently found some precancerous cells, and not they had to do what she called the “scrape” yesterday. Needless to say, it was a stressful day for her and I’m glad she did not have to be alone—and told her such.

She finished her appointment around 3:30 yesterday but went home since I wasn’t off until 4:30. She tried to put a positive spin on it by saying something like, “At least I won’t have to worry about periods if they have to take my uterus,” but I knew she was hiding her fears. We talked for a few and she said that she just wanted to have a drink and sit with her cat for a bit. I did not want her to sit and stew in her own mind for too long, so I texted her at 4:30 to say I was starting dinner. She replied that she was ready to head out.

She offered to help with dinner, but I put her to work tweaking a job application I’d been working on. She was a literature major and I knew that would keep her mind focused on a task while I cooked. After a bit, she finished up and she helped me finish up cooking dinner as we chatted. It was then that I asked as she stirred a sauce that we were awaiting to thicken.

“I’m not sure if you saw my email but I wanted to talk to you about last week,” I opened with. She teased me a bit about letting her know when I send an email because she has “500 unread emails,” but that she did see it and “knew I spoke from my soul.” I explained that I wasn’t upset that she didn’t see us as long-term partners, as I truly didn’t it, but that I wanted her to know that she was not just a casual work friend that I hang out with on occasion. That I definitely feel a connection and she is special to me. She agreed and said that the cabin was a relaxing getaway that provided a “type of intimacy” that did not need to involve sex. I also mentioned that with all the work I did in counseling last year, that it was luck (or something bigger) that I met someone so receptive to me being open and vulnerable. It was a quick conversation, but it felt good to clear things up a bit. I felt it was important that she knows that she is not just a causal work friend.

After dinner, we rinsed off the pans and dishes and retired to the sofa. She was full and sleepy and I said she could stay here if she dozed off. I put on the Star Trek movie and she perked up as she anticipated the plot and critiqued the plot holes. However, she did enjoy it and I think it kept her mind focused on something other than her own body.

After the movie, we chatted for a bit, before I walked her down to her car. We hugged goodbye, but it wasn’t her usual hug of a few seconds, but she embraced me for a bit. I kissed the top of her head and held on until she was ready to let go. It was unexpected and I don’t know if she feels a deeper connection to me after my email letter, or if it was nice to have a night away where she felt safe and peaceful. Either way, it does not matter. I’m happy that she was.

She works her second job tonight and tomorrow night, so I’m going to reach out on Sunday morning to see if she is doing okay or if she wants me to pull her out of her place for a bit. She will be anxiously awaiting the results of the test, and I hate to think of her sitting alone in her apartment all day hyper analyzing.

Ryan

———————————————————————————————————

After I wrote this, I logged into Facebook to see she has posted a few pictures of the dinner I made last night and these two poems from L.E. Bowman:

“Don’t”

When she softens against you for the first time,
don’t pull her closer.
Don’t wrap your arms around her like you
feel it too.
When she is high on your skin and ready to open,
don’t help her unfold.
Don’t pull back her petals like you intend to watch
her bloom.
When the walls feel too restricting and you
stop calling.
don’t say that you’re busy.
Don’t tell her she’s crazy when her instincts tell her
the truth.
When the night is long and your body is lonely,
don’t wake her.
Don’t give her another piece of false hope to
cling to.

“More to Life”

You’ll find someone better, they’ll tell you.
An earth-shattering lover.
A so-good-the-rest-don’t-matter kind of love.
And maybe you will, or maybe you won’t,
but I want you to know
that there is more to live than lovers.
All your hope, all your betters
don’t have to exist around love.

There’s so much pain inside her that she has worked on in counseling and on her own through journaling. She has walled up her heart and worked to better her life on her own. Think my fascination with her lay in the mysteries?

• This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by Spry_Ry.

Dear Anita,

Yes, I think you’re right. For now, I am comfortable with things as they are. I said what I needed to say in my email to her, and her response of knowing that I “spoke from my soul” meant as lot. I think she has been hurt a few times in her life and she is cautiously working on a friendship with me. While I tried not to overanalyze our hug goodbye last night, the fact that she did not let go of the embrace for some time spoke volumes. I feel that my email, the easy conversation, a home cooked dinner, and time out of her own mind last night was what she truly needed.

As I’ve written, I truly enjoy her company and would like to continue earning her trust and building the friendship. While a part of me wants “concrete,” a piece of me takes comfort in the fluidity of our relationship. We can be “friends” or “close friends” without having to define it or label it. It is more important that she know that she is not simply a friend from work, and my actions during our time together have demonstrated that I may be someone she can trust not to hurt her.

Thank you, Anita.

Ryan