Also to answer your question on what I tell myself to explain pain that happened to me. I don’t have a mantra that I repeat to myself  such as everything is love, but my pattern is this- I get angry, then I beat myself up for getting angry, I feel sadness and disappointment. Then  I blame myself. I always blame myself for everything bad happening. There is a difference between taking a responsibility and blaming yourself. I don’t simply acknowledge i am responsible for all my actions. But I blame myself, beat myself up for what I did or didn’t do. Maybe I even think I deserved it. Remuneration, sorrow, guilt. I am very harsh with myself.

About parents not always treating and loving children the way they deserve. I realised there is a difference between not wanting your children and actually not always being able to love them the way they need to be loved. Almost every parent is guilty of the second, but the first is horrible. No child should be born into this world knowing that they aren’t wanted or ever loved, thats how monsters are created.

I see the difference. I can see past my childhood traumas and am not engaging in saying my parents were always perfect with me, but overall they both love me more than they love themselves and “served” me in the ways that most parents wouldn’t. I always felt like i have this huge mountain behind me protecting me and loving me and its my mom and dad. That’s what I am deeply grateful for in life. They are only imperfect humans just like all of us are. And there is a difference between being imperfect and monstrous.