Dear Nar:

You are welcome. I think that this will be another long post. Please take your time reading this, some of it may be very unpleasant for you to read. If at any time you feel significantly distressed, please stop reading: it is okay for you to stop reading at any time, and it is okay for you to not reply to me again, if you so choose.

In your various posts, you shared about the woman you met at the retreat the following (the bold feature is my addition):  “90% of our talks were around her and her life problems”, that “she has a strong tendency to victimise herself and be a ‘martyr’“. She does not see herself as causing much of her suffering, being “completely oblivious to the consequences of her actions”, seeing “external evil forces or people” as the cause of her suffering, “she feels attacked by things, becomes a ‘victim‘, really suffers, then she says she lets go and is thankful”.

You gave an example: as a consequence of failing to check in with the organisers of the retreat, she arrived to the the room shared by people attending the retreat tired and exhausted. The room was overheated, so you opened a window. In the morning, she woke up “crying and suffering”. Fast forward to the end of the retreat, she sent you a message: “you really helped me and I am thankful for that”.

You thought that she was referring to you helping her by having listened to her talk for hours, but you found out that what she meant was that you “helped her by ‘making it difficult for her’ and making the room cold at night, thanks to this she suffered and she was so tired because of this next day as she couldn’t sleep, but was able to let go and she is thankful. Oh and everything is love”-

– My thoughts: talking about love, what she did in the example you gave has nothing to do with love, but with hate: she tried to make you feel bad, to make you feel guilty, to make you suffer, and she did it in a passive-aggressive way. She wanted you to look backward in time and feel bad for allegedly harming her on that first night of the retreat and the next day. She kept this alleged harm a secret for so many days only to reveal it as a thank-you, sort of giving you a kiss on the cheek and punching you in the face, all at the same time.

Here is what one website, family today. com says on the topic: What is Martyr Complex: “Do you know this kind of person? He or she always seems to ‘suffer‘ for the greater good. They’re constantly sacrificing their own happiness and fulfillment for others, making sure that everyone has what they need, except themselves. And they do it willingly and selflessly- so long as everyone around them knows it… – the martyr.

“A martyr complex, or victim complex, is a form of passive-aggressive behavior and is an unhealthy way of trying to gain attention, approval, and ultimately their way… Ultimately these people are emotionally draining and can create a very unhealthy dynamic within their relationships… because they have little confidence in their own real value as a person, they find ways to manipulate circumstances and other people into seeing them as a victim requiring their attention and sympathy…

“Most martyrs keep a mental list of the hardships they have endured. And with only minor reluctance, if any, they are able to tell you all the wrongs they have suffered, all at the hands of others. Accepting responsibility for their lives and any set-backs is immensely difficult, if not impossible”.

Next, I will quotes from your two recent posts about other people in your life and add my thoughts-

This is what you wrote about your mother: “my mom hit me a couple of times too when I was 13-14.. My mom was.. a strict mother…She was violent at times”.

About your sister: “she was really scared of my mom”.

About yourself: “I was an extremely rebellious child, I was damaging my health, was unmanageable at times.. I KNOW what she did was wrong.. she loves her children more than ANYTHING and ANYONE in the world. She gave everything to us, she constantly sacrificed herself, her wellbeing and her health for us... her 30 and 40 year old self lived through extremely difficult times emotionally, financially and she had a very difficult life unfortunately… I know nobody will ever love me as much as  my mother does”.

If you noticed, in the paragraph above, I placed  what you shared regarding your mother following what you shared about yourself. The reason for that is that your mother had a huge affect on your developing mind as a child. Your empathy for her was intense. You saw her as someone who has suffered so greatly for you/ for her children, a woman who sacrificed herself for others.. a martyr.

Did she tell you that she sacrificed her life for you, did she tell you how much she suffered.. for you, and did she tell you that you were guilty for repaying her sacrifice with being “an extremely rebellious child” and “unmanageable”?

Is this the source of your guilt?

Back to family today. com: on martyrs: “Take, for instance, the mother who allowed her life to become strictly about her children.. she utilizes guilt and a passive-aggressive approach to force her children to value and need her. She may.. reiterate all of the many things she did for them at the expense of her own life and happiness”.

Whether your mother has been a martyr or not, it is not true that she always loved and protected you (“my mom loved and protected me… I always felt like I have this huge mountain behind me protecting me and loving me and its my mom and dad”)- when she was violent against you– she did not love you, and she did not protect you.. from herself. During those times, you were very scared and very troubled.

Similar to you, I was born and raised in a country where violence was commonplace, and I too regularly saw graphic images of real-life, horrific violence (on the news/ documentaries on TV). A threat of war and terrorism was an everyday reality. And yet, what scared me most- by far- was my mother’s violence, verbal and physical.

You shared that your intrusive images “are violent in nature”. My original fear (thoughts and images) was that my mother will die, it was an intense fear and the source of my many OCD compulsions, rituals I did to prevent her from dying.. ex., if I turned around three times this way, and then three times the other way, then she will be okay.

“my pattern is this- I get angry, then I beat myself up for getting angry… I blame myself for everything bad happening… beat myself up for what I did or didn’t do. Maybe I even think I deserved it. Ruminating, sorrow, guilt. I am very  harsh with myself”-

– this was my experience growing up and during most of my life: heavy duty guilt as a consequence of my mother being… a heavy-duty martyr.

“I realise there is a difference between not wanting your children and actually not always being able to love them the way they need to be loved. Almost every parent is guilty of the second, but the first is horrible“-

– when “not always being able to love them the way they need to be loved” means (1) to yell at the child, to hit the child, to threaten the child and whatnot… it feels horrible to the child, and when it means (2) to heavily guilt-trip a child.. that too feels horrible to the child.

“They (parents) are only imperfect humans just like all of us are”- true, but too many parents are .. way too imperfect. Children pay a heavy price for having parents that are way too imperfect.. and unless we heal in adulthood, our children pay the price and their children.

You asked me: “How did you overcome your OCD?”- it was a long, long process, too much to post about in one post. If you are still reading, and if you reply, I can answer this question over time. A part answer for now, relating to the topic of mothers: I finally saw my mother as she is, the good, the bad and all in between, the whole picture. When I did, I understood who I was at the beginning of my life: not the bad, guilty, faulty, inferior child I thought I was, but a good, innocent, worthy child.

* Having been “an extremely rebellious child” and “unmanageable”, if you were that as a child- it is a consequence of having been mistreated and/ or emotionally neglected, not anything that you are guilty for.

anita