Hi Anita. Happy 2021.  I hope you are staying safe.

1. I punish myself because only recently did I realize how badly I screwed up in the past (Career, family, other stuff). I’ve forgiven myself and I am trying hard to do what must be done to salvage what is left of my life. I was “reborn” over the last few years and changed everything about my life. Worked on improve what is virtuous and gave up most of my vices.

2. Didn’t study enough so I got stuck mid career working in IT for less money than I could make. Could have been making high six figures by now. Instead I am at 43 starting from almost scratch. Ate away my pain, gained 80 lbs, which I mostly lost, but still have a way to go. Lost my wife because I was weak and broke down during hard times. Just wasted last 15 years on doing nothing at all. Work > TV > Smoke weed > Sleep > repeat. I don’t do that anymore, but the anger and the shame won’t allow me to accomplish my goals now. I will still do what I have to and what I must, but I can’t let go of being angry at myself for what I did and that I cannot turn back the clock.

PS. My family is pretty awful. Good people, but they treat me badly and have emotionally destroyed me. I cut contact with them, but we are Jewish so can’t really cut off your family. I just try to limit my interaction with them and when they try to belittle me, I simply block them and make them disappear from my life until they retreated. Last, but not least, I am not afraid of anything or anyone ( except losing my dog ), but I am all alone and have no support network. Friends are friends, but I am doing everything now on my own. I am envious of people who can share their love and pain with their loved ones. I am always alone no matter what I do. It’s beyond painful. I miss intimacy, I miss closeness, I miss my best friend (exwife), I miss my social life and being able to relax. Life is a balance of good and bad. I don’t mean that things are either good or bad, but I there are good things that happen and bad things that happens. It’s just that it’s been bad for such a long time that I feel like a gazelle that can no longer run away from the lion chasing it. I am tired. I just want some good news, something good or fun to happen. It’s been a long time since I felt anything, but pain.

Happy Friday btw.