Dear mango:

“I’m now even more confused… I can’t accuse him of disrespecting me if he didn’t mean it that way.. probably looked like some kind of interrogator so I don’t blame him for feeling weirded out.. it feels like I’m overreacting, but I also don’t like the fact that he’s so insensitive, not only for me but also for others. Any thoughts?”-

– My thoughts: while you were asleep on the couch,  Adam kissed you from afar etc. (“pretending he’s kissing me etc.”), and Betty filmed it and later said something like: “remember the time when Adam ‘molested‘ you”. If Adam sent you a brotherly kiss from afar, when you were asleep, because he felt sincere affection for you, that would be one thing. But he sent you a sexual kiss, etc. This is why Betty made the molestation joke.

Here are three scenarios, two of which did not happen: (1) While you were sleeping on the couch, Adam touched you sexually and masturbated.

(2) While you were sleeping on the couch, Adam watched you sleeping and masturbated from afar.

(3) While you were sleeping on the couch, Adam watched you sleeping and pretended he was sexually kissing you etc. (“kissing me etc.”).

In all three scenarios, Adam is violating you- only in the second scenario he violates you less than in the first, and in the third scenario he violates you less than in the second. It is a matter of degree, but a violation of your trust and human dignity exists in all three scenarios.

Regarding “I can’t accuse him of disrespecting me if he didn’t mean it that way”- yes, you can accuse him of disrespecting you because he disrespected you. If he believed that it was not disrespectful to sexually kiss you etc., from a far, he wouldn’t have added that “he was high” at the time, and that it “only lasted a second”. His efforts to minimize his behaviors (sexual kissing etc.) indicate that he perceived his behavior to be offensive. In yet other words, if he thought that his behavior was okay, he wouldn’t have tried to minimize it.

“probably looked like some kind of interrogator so I don’t blame him for feeling weirded out”- I think that it was perfectly fine that you asked him questions, so to gather information before you judge him and the situation. The fact that he was weirded out is not an indication that you did something wrong, but an indication that he does not like to be questioned about his misbehaviors.

“it feels like I’m overreacting, but I also don’t like the fact that he’s so insensitive, not only for me but also for others”- from all that you shared, you under-reacted, not overreacted. He needs to be confronted with his disrespectful behaviors toward others and stop those behaviors.

anita