February 11, 2021 at 8:10 am #374477mangoParticipant
Also, another one took a video. I’m confused over my perceptions, my ”right” to feel upset by it and to which degree and what to do about this friendship.
The event itself happened 3 years ago but untill some recent events I brushed it off and thought I’m just too sensitive. I recently talked to some people about it and they all thought this was wrong so I felt not-so-crazy for the first time. But I dediced to ask him about it, to see his persepctive and I feel I’m back to square one in terms of confusion.
So I was at a house party with my (guy and girl) friends (let’s call him Adam and Betty). For context, we’re in our 20s, known each other since high school and spent a lot of time together. I considered them quite close, especially Betty (I’m not friends with her anymore for unrelated reasons, but still in contact with Adam).
There were also a couple of his other friends I didn’t know would be invited. At one point I fell asleep on the couch because I was really tired that day (me and Betty meant to sleep over anyways).
The next morning it was just 3 of us and they showed me a video of him sitting next to me and pretending he’s kissing me etc. He didn’t actually touch me and only did it from afar. They found it funny for some reason, while I felt weirded out and kinda humiliated. Like, why didn’t they draw me a mustache or something instead…?
I made a mistake when I didn’t say it bothered me, I just said something like “wtf…ew” (but not laughing). At the time, I didn’t think me saying anything would change anything and that I’m just oversensitive. If I asked back then, then at least I’d see how they feel about it.
I also thought/think that since they’re my friends they didn’t mean it in a humiliating way and that they just didn’t really think much about it, that we’re just different. Also, I thought that if the situation was actually wrong, Betty would not find it funny and film it. She brought it up as a joke later (something like “ahaha remember the time when Adam “molested” you”), which I didn’t find funny, but I didn’t want to start a fight or seem crazy or accuse of of why was she filmimg it (I know it’s stupid I didn’t say anything, if she saw that I’m not okay with it she’d probably try to understand).
Also, Adam is known to borderline cross the line with others as well (Betty was often bothered by his behavior as well). We did let him know this in the past, but he didn’t really care and just said that we’re moody or something. He’s kinda flirtatious with his other friends, and some of them find it fun which is ok if is ok for both people involved. I’m just not one of these people since I have a fine line between friendships and romantic interests and have made myself clear.
Recently, he crossed a line with a mutual friend and he even wanted me to lie about it when my friend asked if I saw something. They started arguing and this friend went out. Adam even asked me why did I say I saw him do it. I expected he’d asked me how to make the situation better, not to accuse this friend for overreacting and me for not saving his ass. That was the moment that really got me thinking that he really doesn’t take other’s emotions into consideration.
I decided to ask him out of the blue about this old event, because I wanted to see his perspective (my friends could be biased since they only heard my side of the story). I asked him what exactly his thought process was, why would they film it and what made it so funny, where is the video and some other questions.
He said he doesn’t remember the video being made nor me seeing the video, that he probably just took a picture of us. He found the fact that I fell asleep funny, that he was high and said that it only lasted a second. He also said that at the time they found me, there was noone else but him and Betty, which is a relief. He also said that he didn’t and wouldn’t make fun of me or do me harm, that we made funny drunk videos in the past, that it was a joke.
I don’t remember him taking a picture with me on the video, so he either mixed up some details (which is pretty possible after 3 years) or it didn’t last ”only a second”.
He also said that he/they didn’t share it with anyone. But I do have a memory of him mentioning a month later that he showed it to his brother. So I asked him explicitly if he showed it to him and told me he didn’t, that he doesn’t share these kind of stuff with him. So I guess that was a lie or he forgot (I think both is equally possible). I don’t think asking him anymore questions would tell me anything more since it was a joke and he doesn’t remember the rest and I don’t really trust him anymore since he wanted me to lie.
But I’m now even more confused, I don’t feel like talking to him anymore but a part of me thinks it wrong. If that’s his perspective I can’t change it. I can’t accuse him of disrespecting me if he didn’t mean it that way. I don’t know how to feel and probably looked like some kind of interrogator so I don’t blame him for feeling weirded out.
I would feel bad to end this relationship because it feels like I’m overreacting, but I also don’t like the fact that he’s so insenstive, not onyl for me but also for others.
Any thoughts?February 11, 2021 at 10:04 am #374490anitaParticipant
“I’m now even more confused… I can’t accuse him of disrespecting me if he didn’t mean it that way.. probably looked like some kind of interrogator so I don’t blame him for feeling weirded out.. it feels like I’m overreacting, but I also don’t like the fact that he’s so insensitive, not only for me but also for others. Any thoughts?”-
– My thoughts: while you were asleep on the couch, Adam kissed you from afar etc. (“pretending he’s kissing me etc.”), and Betty filmed it and later said something like: “remember the time when Adam ‘molested‘ you”. If Adam sent you a brotherly kiss from afar, when you were asleep, because he felt sincere affection for you, that would be one thing. But he sent you a sexual kiss, etc. This is why Betty made the molestation joke.
Here are three scenarios, two of which did not happen: (1) While you were sleeping on the couch, Adam touched you sexually and masturbated.
(2) While you were sleeping on the couch, Adam watched you sleeping and masturbated from afar.
(3) While you were sleeping on the couch, Adam watched you sleeping and pretended he was sexually kissing you etc. (“kissing me etc.”).
In all three scenarios, Adam is violating you- only in the second scenario he violates you less than in the first, and in the third scenario he violates you less than in the second. It is a matter of degree, but a violation of your trust and human dignity exists in all three scenarios.
Regarding “I can’t accuse him of disrespecting me if he didn’t mean it that way”- yes, you can accuse him of disrespecting you because he disrespected you. If he believed that it was not disrespectful to sexually kiss you etc., from a far, he wouldn’t have added that “he was high” at the time, and that it “only lasted a second”. His efforts to minimize his behaviors (sexual kissing etc.) indicate that he perceived his behavior to be offensive. In yet other words, if he thought that his behavior was okay, he wouldn’t have tried to minimize it.
“probably looked like some kind of interrogator so I don’t blame him for feeling weirded out”- I think that it was perfectly fine that you asked him questions, so to gather information before you judge him and the situation. The fact that he was weirded out is not an indication that you did something wrong, but an indication that he does not like to be questioned about his misbehaviors.
“it feels like I’m overreacting, but I also don’t like the fact that he’s so insensitive, not only for me but also for others”- from all that you shared, you under-reacted, not overreacted. He needs to be confronted with his disrespectful behaviors toward others and stop those behaviors.
anitaFebruary 12, 2021 at 3:49 am #374521PeggyParticipant
The fact that you felt and still feel that this behaviour was out of order tells you what you need to know. In my opinion, the best way forward is to cut these people out of your life and move on to people that can show you more respect.
PeggyFebruary 19, 2021 at 4:15 pm #374938robbieParticipant
Dear Mango, This is my opinion only. The first word that come to my mind is <span style=”text-decoration: underline;”>betrayal</span>. As another poster (Peggy, I believe) stated to cut these people out of your life. I couldn’t’ agree more. I would be absolutely livid! Good luck to you! 🙂