Dear Felix; Maybe you can get back your confidence and the love for yourself, which will then let you have true forgiveness of the things that happened in the past.  Since the past is past and you cannot change it, you need to stay in the present and try to let those things go.  Have you heard of “The 4 Agreements”?   Be impeccable with your word. Don’t take anything personally. Don’t make assumptions. Always do your best.  don Miguel Ruiz.  Take some time to study things like this and you will find tools to lead you forward and it might even lead you to the path that you are seeking.  True Love, Faith in yourself, and Forgiveness or just the letting go of the things that cause you pain.  You a child of god, you deserve to be here.