Dear JemJem:

Your first thread was on April 2018, your second thread- April 2019, and your third thread is a year and 10 months later, February 2021. Let’s see what we can learn from all the information put together:

In April 2018, you shared that you had a 6.5 years relationship. The last year of that relationship was unhappy because of your anxiety and depression, and you were “trying to complete a teacher training course, get better, work and be happy for our relationship and pick myself up”. But he broke up with you after “a disagreement one night”, saying that “we weren’t happy and it wasn’t working”.

For a year following the breakup, the two of you remained friends. Next, he asked you to get back with him, you agreed and the two of you moved in together. While living with him, you felt that he wasn’t giving you the attention and affection that you needed, and your feelings “were all over the place. One minute I was happy and the next unhappy. I kept battling within myself… started to think.. if I had made the right choice getting back with him… started panicking and thinking more about breaking up”.

Next, following “another disagreement” and talking about “how much we disagree a lot on different topics”, you ended the relationship, feeling that breaking up was better than living “the rest of our lives (in) constant disagreement”. You later regretted your decision to break up and asked for your ex back, but he said “no for now but he wouldn’t say never”.

For the year that followed, the two of you “stayed friends and slept together occasionally. With me hoping that we would get together some day”. During that year of being friends with him and having occasional sex, in January 2018, you got pregnant, “overjoyed and so happy to becoming a mum”. But in March, you found out that the pregnancy was ectopic, had a surgery to remove your left fallopian tube, the pregnancy was terminated. You asked your ex “to have another baby and or get back together” and he refused, saying that he “doesn’t want to even try to date”.

At the time, at 29 years old, you were “going over and over the relationship and regretting ending things last year.. feel sick with guilt and regret.. petrified of not being able to have the chance of being a mother again.. worried that I won’t meet anyone I love..  can’t seem to move on from all these feelings of loss, hurt, rejection and fear.. constantly dwell and brat myself up for the decisions I (make) in ever area of life and doubt myself when I.. make decisions.. I feel hopeless, sad and I hate myself and blame myself for everything”.

A year later you shared that you failed a post graduate course, and together with your failed relationship and failed pregnancy, your “confidence has crushed”, the title of that thread was “low self esteem and confidence”.

A year and 10 months later, you shared that you were always “strongly against” having sex with married men, but because of “being so isolated from my usual family and friends I’ve got lonely and given in” to a married man at work, a coworker and friend, who pursued you for casual sex for years. “Recently I finally gave in and we started sleeping together. Please don’t judge”. Recently, you found out that he is pursuing another woman at work and you feel “insulted by this”. You asked: “Should I be offended?”

I need to understand more before I offer you my thoughts and suggestions, therefore I ask:

(1) This married co-worker pursued you for the purpose of casual sex for years, and after you gave in to him, you found out that he is pursuing another woman for casual sex. You wrote about this male co-worker: “I have a strong friendship with this man”- what is the nature of this “strong friendship” with him? What’s the difference between a strong friendship and a weak friendship, in your mind and heart?

(2) About your current conflict at work, you wrote: “I am scared to speak to him about it as I feel like I can’t tell him why I don’t want to see him anymore in case he tells the other woman at work”- I am not sure that I understand: are you afraid that if you no longer have sex with him, he will tell the other woman at work that he has been having casual sex with you? Can you state your fear clearly?

anita