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  • #374688
    JemJem
    Participant

    Hi I’m new casual sexual relationships and need to know what to do in the situation as I’m battling with how I feel and what my brain is telling me to do!

    A man at work had been pursuing me for a long time. He is married which is the reason I rejected him for many years.

    Recently I finally gave in and we started sleeping together. Please don’t judge.

    I have recently found out that he is pursuing another woman at work. I feel nothing but insulted by this.

    My head is telling me to tell him to fuck off but at the same time it is supposed to be casual sex. Should I be offended?

    I am scared to speak to him about it as I feel like I can’t tell him why I don’t want to see him any more incase he tells the other woman at work.

    Help

    #374690
    anita
    Participant

    Dear JemJem:

    You started sleeping with a married co-worker, having casual sex with him. You asked: “Please don’t judge”.

    Okay, I will not judge and instead of judging you, I ask you: what is your judgment, if any, about having sex with a married man?

    anita

     

    #374691
    JemJem
    Participant

    My judgement is that it is wrong. I have never done it before. Infact I have always been strongly against it.

    But having being so isolated from my usual family and friends I’ve got lonely and given in. Plus I have a strong friendship with this man and let my feelings take over.

    #374694
    anita
    Participant

    Dear JemJem:

    Your first thread was on April 2018, your second thread- April 2019, and your third thread is a year and 10 months later, February 2021. Let’s see what we can learn from all the information put together:

    In April 2018, you shared that you had a 6.5 years relationship. The last year of that relationship was unhappy because of your anxiety and depression, and you were “trying to complete a teacher training course, get better, work and be happy for our relationship and pick myself up”. But he broke up with you after “a disagreement one night”, saying that “we weren’t happy and it wasn’t working”.

    For a year following the breakup, the two of you remained friends. Next, he asked you to get back with him, you agreed and the two of you moved in together. While living with him, you felt that he wasn’t giving you the attention and affection that you needed, and your feelings “were all over the place. One minute I was happy and the next unhappy. I kept battling within myself… started to think.. if I had made the right choice getting back with him… started panicking and thinking more about breaking up”.

    Next, following “another disagreement” and talking about “how much we disagree a lot on different topics”, you ended the relationship, feeling that breaking up was better than living “the rest of our lives (in) constant disagreement”. You later regretted your decision to break up and asked for your ex back, but he said “no for now but he wouldn’t say never”.

    For the year that followed, the two of you “stayed friends and slept together occasionally. With me hoping that we would get together some day”. During that year of being friends with him and having occasional sex, in January 2018, you got pregnant, “overjoyed and so happy to becoming a mum”. But in March, you found out that the pregnancy was ectopic, had a surgery to remove your left fallopian tube, the pregnancy was terminated. You asked your ex “to have another baby and or get back together” and he refused, saying that he “doesn’t want to even try to date”.

    At the time, at 29 years old, you were “going over and over the relationship and regretting ending things last year.. feel sick with guilt and regret.. petrified of not being able to have the chance of being a mother again.. worried that I won’t meet anyone I love..  can’t seem to move on from all these feelings of loss, hurt, rejection and fear.. constantly dwell and brat myself up for the decisions I (make) in ever area of life and doubt myself when I.. make decisions.. I feel hopeless, sad and I hate myself and blame myself for everything”.

    A year later you shared that you failed a post graduate course, and together with your failed relationship and failed pregnancy, your “confidence has crushed”, the title of that thread was “low self esteem and confidence”.

    A year and 10 months later, you shared that you were always “strongly against” having sex with married men, but because of “being so isolated from my usual family and friends I’ve got lonely and given in” to a married man at work, a coworker and friend, who pursued you for casual sex for years. “Recently I finally gave in and we started sleeping together. Please don’t judge”. Recently, you found out that he is pursuing another woman at work and you feel “insulted by this”. You asked: “Should I be offended?”

    I need to understand more before I offer you my thoughts and suggestions, therefore I ask:

    (1) This married co-worker pursued you for the purpose of casual sex for years, and after you gave in to him, you found out that he is pursuing another woman for casual sex. You wrote about this male co-worker: “I have a strong friendship with this man”- what is the nature of this “strong friendship” with him? What’s the difference between a strong friendship and a weak friendship, in your mind and heart?

    (2) About your current conflict at work, you wrote: “I am scared to speak to him about it as I feel like I can’t tell him why I don’t want to see him anymore in case he tells the other woman at work”- I am not sure that I understand: are you afraid that if you no longer have sex with him, he will tell the other woman at work that he has been having casual sex with you? Can you state your fear clearly?

    anita

    #374701
    JemJem
    Participant

    1.Yes I started sleeping with him in December. I have found out the last few weeks he’s been pursuing another woman in work. Meanwhile, still trying to make arrangements with me. Strong friendship as being able to speak to and confide to him and trust that I will go no further.

    2. They fear is if I tell him I don’t want to see him anymore and he asks the reason , my reason would be that I’m offended and hurt that he is trying to pursue that woman also. And I am worried that If I am honest with him about my reason , he may tell the other woman that I told him , about what she told me about him pursuing her. I’m scared it will cause friction and trouble in the work place between us all which I do not want. The difficult thing is, I do care about him .

    #374703
    anita
    Participant

    Dear JemJem:

    “The fear is if I tell him I don’t want to see him anymore and he asks the reason, my reason would be that I’m offended and hurt he is trying to pursue that woman also. And I am worried that if I am honest with him about my reason, he may tell the other woman.. it will cause friction and trouble in the work place”-

    I suggest that you tell him part of the truth, not the whole truth: tell him that you don’t want to see him anymore because you feel that it is wrong to sleep with a married man.  Don’t mention the other co-worker. You can tell him that the reason you slept with him even though you believe it is wrong, is because you are so lonely.

    I also suggest that you somehow find a man who is a good, single man with whom you can have a quality relationship.

    * I will be back to the computer in a few hours.

    anita

    #374706
    JemJem
    Participant

    But the thing is , i only want to stop seeing him because he has been flirting ect and pursuing her at the same time and that has really annoyed me. If it weren’t for this , I wouldn’t want to stop right now.

    #374713
    anita
    Participant

    Dear JemJem:

    You wrote yesterday about having sex with married men: “My judgement is that it is wrong.. I have always been strongly against it”. A day later, in your most recent post, you wrote that if it wasn’t for the fact that your co-worker, who is a married man pursued another co-worker for sex, you wouldn’t want to stop having sex with him.

    Do you mean that your judgment has changed, and currently your judgment is that it is okay to have sex with a married man?

    anita

     

    #374719
    JemJem
    Participant

    My judgement has not changed. I know it’s wrong.

    #374720
    anita
    Participant

    Dear JemJem:

    For the purpose of not making your work  environment unnecessarily negative and complicated, I suggest that you (1) don’t mention the other female co-worker to the married man, (2) stop the sexual relationship with your male co-worker who is a married man.

    For the purpose of not living in conflict with yourself, I suggest that you adhere to what you value, which is to not engage in a sexual relationship with a married man.

    For the purpose of no longer being as lonely as you are, I suggest that you (1) attend psychotherapy /counseling so to address the anxiety, depression and low self esteem that stand in your way of having a healthy relationship with  a man, and (2) find a way to meet a single man with whom it is possible for you to have a healthy relationship.

    anita

     

    #374770
    BDC
    Participant

    “I’m scared it will cause friction and trouble in the work place between us all which I do not want”

    Kinda dislike myself for blundering in like this but…….you thought this would end well? At least he got a shag….good lad.

     

    #374925
    robbie
    Participant

    Hi Jem, The thing is while men can have casual sex or be “friends with benefits”, women simply do not work that way.  We simply are not wired that way (in my humble opinion).  Of course you’re offended by his pursuing other women, who wouldn’t be?  I’m fairly certain, in his mind, he’s doing nothing wrong.  Our hearts don’t work that way.  I hope this helps!  Good luck to you and never, ever would I judge 🙂

    #375722
    anita
    Participant

    Dear JemJem:

    I reread your thread and thought to comment a bit more: in your original post you shared that a married male co-worker pursued you for sex for a long time, and you “finally gave in and we started sleeping together. Please don’t judge”-

    – a judgment against you and against the man was formed in my mind the second I read “I finally gave in and we started sleeping together”. Your request to not be judged came too late.

    Another judging member posted to you: “At least he got a shag… good lad”- I had to google “shag”. The urban dictionary: “shag: a British slang term for sexual intercourse. Used by people who think the term ‘making love’ is too innocent and f*** is too coarse”.

    This means that this member, like me, formed a judgment against you and against the man, suggesting that the two of you are guilty of a “shag”, a physical activity that has nothing to do with love and everything to do with selfishness: satisfying one’s needs at the expense of others.

    Your co-worker wants to have sex with multiple women while married, to entertain himself this way- regardless of how his activity harms the women, including his wife, and his children. You wanted to feel better (“Having been so  isolated.. got lonely”), so you were willing to participate in harming his wife and his children.

    Here is my non-judgmental comment: your behavior with this married man does not define you if you stop this behavior with him and if you do not engage in sex with any married man now and in the future.

    There must be a way for you to get a relief from your isolation and loneliness in some other ways, ways that are not harmful to other people. Talking about harming others: non-harming is a central principle in Buddhist ethics. It is the ethical principle that comes before all others. While understanding how much suffering there is in the world, ours and others’, we need to aim at not creating more suffering for  others, even if our harming behavior (temporarily)  feels good.

    * As I type this post, I understand that non-harming (ahishma) is about not harming any living thing, not just people, and therefore, because I am not a vegetarian,  some vegetarians will judge me for harming animals, and may call me a hypocrite for having judged you.

    In general, when we judge others we need to scan our own behaviors, evaluate or re-evaluate this or that behavior so to determine if we hold ourselves to the same standards we hold others for. What do you think?

    anita

    #376637
    anita
    Participant

    Dear JemJem:

    How are you??

    anita

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