Well there’s a very fine line between being friends and being lovers and that is: sexual chemistry. If you don’t feel the sexual desire then you simply don’t. That’s normal, we are not all attracted to one another.

Although your Christian friend and you have a very strong foundation for a solid relationship you are missing a key element. You don’t have intimacy in some form whether that’s kissing or bumping uglies because that sexual urge or attraction for one another is lacking. Which is a shame! But it is what it is. You got to keep it 💯

With ‘B’ I have always felt a sexual desire even over other mediums and boy in person I couldn’t keep my hands off her. The issue for me was not being able to act on it fully because of her beliefs.

I contorted this in my mind due to insecurities and projected in a cruel manner. With maturity I see it for what it is a difference in that particular value and a need to compromise.

I was very much the all or nothing type too, believing in sparks – I thought based on my past relationship, without the home run or full physical side I wouldn’t develop a deep romantic attraction for someone.

I was wrong though. Romantic attraction requires time and work, continuous work. That’s what keeps the relationship 🔥

The connection and current levels of intimacy I share with ‘B’ is wonderful, with her I experience it on all levels; spiritually, intellectually, physically and emotionally. This no doubt will translate into the final physical act when the time comes.

This investment in this connection took a lot of reflection and growth to achieve. So don’t get caught up in this notion that my relationship appears as it is stuff of romantic fairy tales and all butterflies and rainbows.

It was very challenging and required patience and compromise. I honestly believe it was worth it all.

I don’t need to imagine if there’s someone better out there, I hurt her a lot after the initial 6 months or so. So I chose only to contact her once I had a new outlook, knew I was not going to ever feel GIG effect of what I’m “missing out” on and to be honest she was special, I always knew that from the way she saved me from drowning in darkness. ‘B’ is all I need i was just immature and hurt from my prev relationship to see it.

It’s quality over quantity, ‘B’ and I had a situationship from Summer 19 to just before Xmas 19. I took about 4 months to sort my shit out properly after breaking up with C so approached B in Nov 20 almost a year later and we’ve been together since. So a total of 9/10 months together.

No I don’t have doubts about choosing to marry her because I knew to be with her it would need to be a serious long term commitment. I’m still a work in progress so on the rare occasions still have some self doubts but they are just the old fears but I have open communication with ‘B’ and her emotional awareness is amazing.

Like I said it wasn’t a fairytale it took graft and reaching an impasse in life to realise who I was, what I needed, etc. I hurt people and wasn’t always the mature well adjusted individual i am now.

‘B’ inspired that change within me. I love the me I am with her. So I can’t wait (for more than one reason ahaha) to cement our union.

We have already given our notice to marry but would like to keep the date private but yes I’ll let you know once we’ve officially tied the knot.

It’s possible to increase your pool or re educate your attraction patterns – I don’t know if you can as you seem very stuck in your ways. I’m a very curious and reflective person so I took it upon myself to research and rectify my issues, maybe you need to try engage with a relationship coach or therapist?

Glossing over your needs in a relationship isn’t healthy either. It should be a relationship where you are both genuinely happy to step up for one another. That means you need someone who emotionally understands your needs and can work with you rather than demand things on their terms only! That is a trait of a selfish partner.

With the “in between man” – did he state he was looking for a serious relationship or even state his intentions?

It appears to be just your common fleeting holiday romance and the type of man who enjoys the chase itself.

Whereas maybe you got caught up in your own expectations, the idea of what you’ve imagined so automatically expect the other person to make that happen. That is something you can definitely work on. Not expect the same reactions from others.

Listening to your intuition helps you avoid unhealthy relationships and situations.  Your gut instinct is not infallible though especially if you’ve been hurt before. Those fears can make everything murky.

If you have doubts, the best advice I can give you is bring them up to your partner first. That will guide your feelings, how your partner reacts is very telling. A healthy relationship involves emotional growth and understanding, compassion and patience.

I’d also like to point out men if they are not looking to have a serious relationship will throw out those red flags, so don’t fall into the trap of overlooking those.

Often they throw out these phrases to appease their own guilt when they lead you on. No accountability required. Sign of an emotionally stunted man, so don’t let your own emotions cloud your judgement.

Remember not everyone is you (monogamous) and with sincere intent. There are many narcs, catfishers and snakes out there who will gladly use you for their own gains.

In summary, I kind of think analysing the situation with your B is sinking you further into that rabbit hole. So please do not be offended but I don’t think I should encourage the analysis any further.

It’s been such a long time, you need to decide is he someone you want to take a punt on?

If he is you’ll automatically throw caution to the wind and confront the man for answers and clarity. If he is what you believed then it will have a chance to prosper. If he is someone who just used you for an emotional affair then that’s a blessing too you finally can bury the past and move on.

As Sammy rightly said if you’re thoughts are transfixed on him you’ll never give another man a chance. So you are the only one who is standing in the way of your own happiness.

If you feel it’s unfinished, finish it. No excuses, its too early, it’s too x, y, z. At the end of it all if he wants you he will go for it. Just like ‘B’ did with me. It was a risk for her too but the feeling of wanting it clearly overpowered everything else.