Hello Anita,
I had a feeling OCD is related to some trauma or most likely multiple traumas + fear of something. You say-
“(Dependence/attachment + Fear) is what gives birth to obsessive thinking. When we fear someone whom we don’t depend on and to whom we are not attached- we get away from that person and the problem is solved. When we fear someone on whom we depend and to whom we are attached- we can’t and will not get away from, therefore- the problem is not solved”
The issue is my OCD actually started developing strongly after 25. And i was already away from my mother for a long time. So leaving my family home didn’t solve the problem. I know this is somehow related to some fear i have, but I don’t know what fear. I remember even as a kid i was scared of a lot of things. Scared of darkness (which people say is normal), but I wanted to sleep with a light on. I remember my first nightmare and it was repeating in my dreams every night. Unfortunately, due to the times i was growing up, fear and uncertainty was something very common to most people, including my child self. I have a feeling my fear and OCD runs much deeper than just my mom’s behaviour or the way she brought me up.
I can’t blame everything that happened to me and issues i developed on my mother. Of-course it would be a very lucky life had my mom managed to deal with her hardships better or perhaps even had none of them, therefore nothing would have reflected back on us. But this is not the life that I have. I don’t even think such a life is possible. And it is ok.
My therapy is starting soon, and as i was keeping a diary I realise my OCD runs so deep and just takes so many forms. It is something that has been a dominating factor in my life since mid 20s. For example, in terms of thought patterns or objects of obsessions as i like to call it- you know already, i was obsessed with the problem about the girl i met at the retreat, as soon as this problem dropped-another thing came. Thinking obsessively over a new dilemma i have in my personal life. And it is NOT looking at it calmly, but literally being possessed by this issue. I feel like this thing inside me is just looking for something to latch on and obsess about.
I am also a little bit addictive person, which doesn’t help if you have OCD. Oh it is so very complicated and i hope i can find my way out of this labyrinth.
If there is any literature or anything at all you can recommend, would highly appreciate it! Thanks so much for your help, Anita! You are very kind 🙂
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