Hello Anita,

Thanks as always for your insights. I thought a lot about the things you wrote, there is indeed a relationship between fear, anger and hurt. Then as a result of being fearful and angry, one can develop all sorts of issues, in my case, OCD + anxiety perhaps, and shame and guilt, feeling unworthy, considering all possible options of “why something happened to me” and choosing “the MOST hurtful option to me” . There must be a connection here and certainly there is a pattern in my life which is repeating itself. Possibly a pattern i acquired as a method of self-defence mechanism as a child.

The origin of fear being when the baby is born..brilliant. Would have never thought of it. I agree fear which comes to surface as a result of self protection is our survival instinct and only natural phenomena. Excessive fear or fear of things that don’t physically exist or maybe psychological fear is something what should be gone if one wants a peaceful life.

Regarding my mother’s upbringing methods- ofcourse so many things i KNOW were not OK. You know, I told you about my failed marriage. I know for a fact that it is no coincidence that the man i married gave me silent treatments and left without saying a word, treated me very harshly and I just accepted that. When my mom asked me WHY I took all that, I had no answer back then why. But when my marriage was over and my mom did the same things to me to me- I saw the connection. Her treatments were less intense, but this is exactly why i thought it was ok to take this behaviour from my ex- I have been used to it since I was a kid… did i tell her about this? no…i don’t want to hurt her that much.

I just kept wondering why i don’t hate or blame her any more or i don’t wish to hurt her. I know victims can  love their abuser and abuse is something which takes so many subtle and endless forms. It is not this simple though. When I was a kid I needed her love and I hated her at the same time. But that has changed, I just wonder why I no longer hate or fear her. I think partially because I hurt her back myself a lot with my harsh words or behaviour, or in many other different ways. . Also, because I know the good she did outweighed the bad. Also, I could really see why she is the way she is and this is the source of my compassion. She suffered a lot as well and didn’t understand or process her suffering, unknowingly passed it down to her children. She caused me pain in the past, and yes, this was why i hurt her back. But somebody or many other people hurt her also and I in my turn hurt many other people as a result of this pain… so where is the beginning or end of this endless circle of causing pain?

With compassion, there is no room for hate any more. It is just love and forgiveness. At the same time, i KNOW my sister is not where I am now with regard to her relationship to our mother and I know I just followed my mom’s steps and did her wrong too. She suffered much more than me too and I need to be a mother for her that she needed but didn’t always have.  I also see how as a result of multiple childhood traumas my sister got, she is traumatising her own little helpless child. I see the connection and see how suffering and traumas are passed down from mothers to children UNLESS someone stops this vicious circle of causing endless pain.

I also know one day I should find enough courage to have this talk with my mother. and explain to her how she made me feel throughout my childhood and adulthood.

About another new friend- you are right, I guess sometimes he was in a good mood and feeling chatty, other times not so much. It is natural, the reason why I can’t figure it out as I mentioned above I think often out of all possible scenarios and pick up the “most inconvenient or hurtful one for me” . The pattern is- obsessive thinking, anxiety or anger, letting my emotions get the best of me, considering all possible answers in my head, picking the worst, feeling bad about myself. Maybe this is part of OCD too.

Also perhaps, he doesn’t want to be in touch so often, maybe he prefers to have a call once a month or once a 2 months and its ok. I should respect that and give him his space. So, yes, i am not writing to him any more and feel like whenever he wants to catch up, he can get in touch himself. If he is not interested , that is ok, let it be the worst problem I have 🙂

• This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by Nar.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by Nar.