Dear Nar,

I’ve checked your older posts again, trying to get a clearer picture of what happened. You said:

“The issue is my OCD actually started developing strongly after 25”.

What happened at that time? You said you moved to the UK when you were 17, which was a shock for you, but you haven’t started developing OCD so strongly until you were about 25. So I was wondering if something happened that triggered those more frequent episodes?

You’ve also spoken about how you tend to get angry, and then you blame yourself for getting angry. You feel guilt and sorrow, and you’re judging yourself:

“My pattern is this- I get angry, then I beat myself up for getting angry, I feel sadness and disappointment. Then  I blame myself. I always blame myself for everything bad happening. … But I blame myself, beat myself up for what I did or didn’t do. Maybe I even think I deserved it. Remuneration, sorrow, guilt. I am very harsh with myself.”

“I know for a fact many times I am consciously not aware at the point when I use hurtful language towards my partner or my family.”

From the above I figure you get angry at your family or your partner, and then you blame yourself because you aren’t supposed to get angry, i.e. it’s not very mature or enlightened to get angry? So there’s an impulse that comes – something provokes you and you get angry, and you tend to lose your temper and say nasty things in the heat of an argument. Afterwards you regret it and start blaming yourself, and can’t stop thinking about it, thinking it was your fault. You start obsessively thinking about it and blaming yourself in the process. Is this what’s going on?

Regarding your question about whether I believe I am healed, yes, I believe I’ve managed to heal my biggest traumas: I’ve developed self-esteem and a sense of self-worth, I don’t feel helpless any more, I don’t feel I wouldn’t be able to survive without another person loving me and taking care of me. It was a long process of going to therapy, working on myself, learning about the human psyche, learning from my own mistakes, and most importantly, healing my inner child. It’s been years of work, and it’s still not over, because there are layers, one can always go deeper. But yes, I can say I’ve managed to remove the biggest blocks to my happiness.